Yes, it's Monday and I'm at home...sick. We had a BBQ yesterday with Byron's family and the girlfriends (Abby & Aimee), which led to me flaking on my mom and felt really bad about it later. We ate so much yesterday, but I feel like I'm the only one whose stomach was just not being good at all. I thought that it would only be a one day thing, but I'm here at home suffering. I'm scared to eat. I HATE THROWING UP, but luckily that hasn't happened yet. It could be a number of different things, but what I think it is...well, I've already said too much. I just needed to get it off my chest because it's been weighing on my mind for the past couple of weeks.

I found a letter that my mom and dad wrote me when I was a Freshman in High School. At that time, I was an ignorant and rebelious teenager, dating someone who my parents could have pressed charges for statutory rape, and just immature. I put my parents through alot that year and even made my dad cry. No one makes my dad cry...he barely did at his parents' funerals. Reading the letter brought me to tears, especially now that I am an adult that can have adult conversations with my parents. They've evolved from parents to people I can see eye to eye with...my friends.

It crazy how we now see what our parents were trying to do for us back then. They were just trying to prevent us from making mistakes and protecting us the best way they know how. Lying in my bed & in my own house made me realize that I'm ready to instill that in someone. This need for me to be married with a child keeps growing more and more everyday...

AHHH...it's nice to have the weekend off.

On Friday, I watched CSUH'S PCN. I really didn't want to because I really want nothing to do with Byron's college life (except for his Alum heads that I hang out with now) and I knew that his ex was a coordinator (I'm being such an adult right now...har har), I just feel really uncomfortable being the only person in his life now that wasn't apart of his life before. It's weird because we know so many of the same people (it's pretty inevitable being that I lived in Union City for 18 years) yet we only really met by chance...you know, if he hadn't been sitting in that audience that fateful August afternoon, who knows how our life could have ended up.

But I digress...I don't know why it bothers me so much. I remember when we first started going out I would look through his billions of albums. He said he was hesitant to show me a few of them because it had pictures of his ex in there and I told him as long as you don't point out who she is, it'll be fine . And of course, his dumbass pointed her out on the first picture. I shut the book. I think now "ignorance is bliss," I wish she didn't have a face to me, I wish that I didn't know that all the stuff he kept from that relationship is in our home, I wish I didn't know anything altogether, but I do realize his past makes him the person he is today and there are so many things to look forward to and dwelling on that shit, whether intentional or not, is just so unhealthy and so not the person I am.

I know that I purposely get him mad whenever we hang out with this college friends because I feel really uncomfortable, regardless of the fact that they have accepted me with open arms and made me feel like family. I don't want to do this anymore...*sigh* something else to work on.

Anyway, the PCN was alright. The acting was FABULOUS...dancing and storyline was okay. I like last year's better.

BYRON: "The pauses are too long between scenes."
ME: "Maybe you should take up that issue with the coordinator."
BYRON: "Um yeah...I won't be doing that."

For all inquiring minds that want to know...I am training to become a Claims Adjuster for Allstate Insurance. If you know anyone that is currently looking for employment (and has a bachelor's degree) there are 3 (yes, 3) openings in our Livermore office. It would be a great opportunity for those who were thinking about moving up here (but I'm not gonna hold my breath!), so if you know anyone...please let me know!

Thanks for all the support guys...I labs you all!

Hello my peepoles!

I've done everything I said I was going to do...

New Job...got it!
New Body...joined a gym today, plan on going Mon-Sat for at least an hour

I am going to concentrate on myself for the next couple of months. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and not really knowing why...so if anyone wants to follow my lead, please do!

Yay! I have coworkers I can bullshit with now! My eyes are so tired from staring at the computer all day! I stopped by my old work today...I'm such a dork!

Stolen from BOS

Current mood - lethargic
Current music - VH1
Current taste - bathroom cleaner (bleh!)
Current hair - in a ponytail
Current clothes - blue sweatshorts & an old Chi Delt Rush shirt
Current annoyance - dishes that WEREN'T done last night
Current smell - bathroom cleaner
Current thing I ought to be doing - cleaning the bedroom now that the bathroom is clean
Current windows open - Blogger
Current desktop picture - that chick from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
Current favorite band - U2
Current book - The Da Vinci Code
Current cd in stereo - John Mayer
Current crush - the Arrowhead guy (haha!)
Current hate - cleaning my bathroom

DO I
Do drugs? no(t anymore)
Have a dream that keeps coming back? - yeah...about having babies
Read the newspaper? - on Sundays
Have any gay or lesbian friends? - look who you're asking
Believe in miracles? - will believe when I see
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? - yes
Consider yourself tolerant of others? - I was a manager that worked with kids AND parents all day. So, the answer is yes.
Consider love a mistake? - it might be a mistake, but it's worth making.
Like the taste of alcohol? - sure, why not?
Have a favorite candy? - Hugs
Believe in astrology? - not really...I just like to read that stuff
Believe in magic? - what kind of magic?
Believe in God? - I believe there is something out there bigger than all of us.
Have any pets? - does at my parents house count?
Go to or plan to go to college? - i just realized that I graduated 3 years ago. Where does the time go?
Have any piercings? - 2 holes in each ear.
Hate yourself - No
Have an obsession? - right now, it's online shopping
Have a secret crush? - uh...
Do they know yet? - uh...
Care about looks? - I care about my looks

LOVE LIFE
Ever been in love? - still am :)
Do you believe in love at first sight? - Taryn & Royce
Do you believe in "the one?" - I think I may have found him
Describe your ideal significant other - someone more like me that can put up with my shit.

JUICY STUFF
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing? - I don't like to call it a game so much as foreplay.
Have you ever been intoxicated? - If I had a nickel for everytime...

LAST THING YOU
Bought - clothes online yesterday
Ate - popcorn last night
Drank - fruit juice
Read - Miah's journal
Watched on tv - Ultrasound on MTV2

EITHER/ OR
club or houseparty - house party
drinks or shots - both
cats or dogs - dogs
pen or pencil - pencil
gloves or mittens - gloves
food or candy - both
cassette or cd - CD
coke or pepsi - water

LAST PERSON YOU
talked to - Byron
hugged - Byron
instant messaged - Jon

WHERE DO YOU
eat - wherever when the urge strikes
cry - in bed
wish you were - I usually say "at home" but that's where I am right now

HAVE YOU EVER
Dated one of your best friends? - yeah, in high school and most of college
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? - yes
Drank alcohol? - how many alcohol questions are on this thing anyway?
Done drugs? - Man, talk about repeating questions
Broken the law? - Moving violations count?
Run away from home? - naw
Broken a bone? - no, thank goodness
Played Truth Or Dare? - yes...back in seventh grade and shit.
Kissed someone you didn't know? - no, they kissed me though
Been in a fight? - not like a fist fight
Come close to dying? - no

WHAT IS
The most embarrassing CD in your collection? - I dunno
Your bedroom like? - So messy, it used to have a bunch of clean clothes in laundry baskets at the foot of the bed, but they were all folded and put away by yours truly.
Your favorite thing for breakfast? - coffee
Your favorite restaurant? - Chili's

RANDOM QUESTIONS
What's on your bedside table? - clock, phone, cell phone, night cream for my knees
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? - ice cream
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie? - Jerry Maguire
What is your biggest fear? - not having kids
What feature are you most insecure about? - my tummy
Do you ever have to beg? - like I'm gonna tell y'all
Are you a pyromaniac? - no
Do you know anyone famous? - no
Describe your bed - big with a dark man snoring on it
Spontaneous or plain? - I'm not spotaneous anymore, too old for that shit
Do you know how to play poker? - yes, but if I'm good at it is another question.
What do you carry with you at all times? - my cell phone
What do you miss most about being little? - not being an adult
Are you happy with your given name? - I didn't like it before, but you don't meet very many Filipinas named Dawn. It's more of a white name.
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year? - ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.
What color is your bedroom? - white
Do you talk a lot? - Sometimes I don't shut up
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? - Yes
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? - No
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? - For the most part, yes.
Do you spend more time with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your friends? - I spend alot of time with Byron by virtue of us living together.
Are you a tease? - I don't think so...at least, not anymore.
Make the first move? - If I'm tired of waiting...yes.

I'M FREEEEEEEE!

Officially umemployed until Monday!

Yay...Jasmine went home (I'm such a hater)!

I was on the damn phone last night for a good 2 hours trying to vote for Fantasia Barrino so that she could stay for the final and win that shit.

You'd think that 2 hours on the phone, I placed a vote....NOPE. I wish her all the luck in the world, but if the world was fair at all...Jasmine's ass would be on a plane back to Hawaii tonight.

commentary:
For all you Filipinos out there...STOP SUPPORTING JASMINE TRIAS. Seriously. I think we as a community have royally fucked ourselves by allowing this to continue. I'm all for seeing a pinay in the spotlight, but she has probably become the most hated contestant in AI history and the Filipino & Hawaiian community has ruined it all for us. Stop the madness...wote for someone you know is good, not someone you know is Filipina (but hasn't really mentioned that, but that's a whole other can of worms).

Thanks Regan

Name Four Bad Habits You Have :
1. picking scabs
2. eating junk food
3. not folding laundry after it's been washed & dried
4. not exercising

Name Four Things That You Wish You Had :
1. a baby (bet you saw that one coming)
2. more time in the day
3. the ability to to transport myself in the blink of an eye like in Star Trek
4. the body I had my senior year of high school

Name Four Scents You Love :
1. Byron after a shower
2. Rocyeeboy
3. Mango Body Butter
4. Grandma's cooking

Name Four Things You'd Never Wear :
1. Plaid golf pants
2. Ugly shoes
3. Cowboy hat (just doesn't look right)
4. Basketball jersey

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now :
1. What to cook for dinner
2. My last day tomorrow
3. Giving myself a foot treatment
4. Cleaning the oven (damn, it's like a 2 day project and shit)

Name Four Things That You Have Done Today :
1. Went to work
2. Bought lunch for Liz & Princeza
3. Talked to Byron about not going to his softball game
4. Checked other people's journals

Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought :
1. Clothes from Old Navy
2. Meat Calzone at Me & Ed's
3. Pepsi
4. Rice Krispy Treat

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink :
1. water
2. coffee
3. juice
4. soda

First Grade Teacher's Name:
Mrs. Hebel

Last Words You Said:
"Good Luck at your game tonight. I love you!"

Last Song You Sang:
”Oh Baby bring it all to me. Gimme your time, your love, your space, your energy.”

Last Person You Hugged:
Jimmy (one of my associates since I wasn't going to see him on my last day)

Last Thing You Laughed At:
Liz talking about her first ICP concert

Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It:
An hour ago

Last Time You Cried:
Sometime last week

What's In Your CD Player:
John Mayer - Room for Squares

What Color Socks Are You Wearing:
White ankle socks that are grey at the toe & heel

What's Under Your Bed:
Closet doors (don't ask)

What Time Did You Wake Up Today:
7:00 am

Current Taste:
Uh...I dunno.

Current Hair:
Just got a hair cut...cut about 3 inches off and it's layered with grown-out highlights.

Current Clothes:
Kiddie Kandids uniform

Current Annoyance:
The spot on my thumb where I pulled out a hangnail. It's pretty sore now.

Current Longing:
Read my journal and figure it out.

Current Desktop Picture:
That chick from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" on her hands and knees with a tank top and a thong on.

Current Worry:
My sister and my brother.

Current Hate:
Stupid ass parents.

Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex:
Hands...big hands mean...better massages.

Last CD You Bought:
Jason Mraz - Waiting for My Rocket to Come

Favorite Place To Be:
At home with Byron

Least Favorite Place:
Work

If You Could Play An Instrument:
Guitar, mos def

Favorite Color:
Right now, it's pink...may change later

Do You Believe In An Afterlife:
Yup

How Tall Are You :
5'3", but my license say 5'4"

Current Favorite Word/Saying:
Anything with "bitch" or "bitches" tagged to the end

Favorite Season:
Fall

One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To:
My Hallmates from UCSB

Favorite Day:
Sunday

Where Would You Like To Go:
Europe

What Is Your Career Going To Be Like:
not boring

How Many Kids Do You Want:
As many as I'm blessed with

Favorite Car:
2001 Celica GT named Lucky

A Random Lyric :
"I'm addicted to you...don't you know that you're toxic? And I love what you do...don't you know that it's toxic?" -Britney Spears

Identify Some Of The Things Surrounding Your Computer:
Checkbooks, Framed pictures, Bills, Can of Pens, Printer, Me

2 more days...

...and I am up out this bitch! I had lunch with Cindee (my boss) and Jose (BRU Manager), saw my girl Lisa (the new San Jose manager) and just enjoyed being here, which is something that I actually took for granted being that more than half the time I wanted to be somewhere else. But, like I said many, many times before, it's just time for me to move on, to have some kind of continuity in my life and to just focus on the important things that I've lost touch with along the way. Namely, my friends from college and MINDSTATE.

MINDSTATE...I miss those guys. I really do. So much has changed over the past 5 years and those guys truly showed me how to have fun and not take myself so seriously. I feel so out of touch with them and it's not like I can't pick up the phone and call...but with my fucked up schedule, I don't even know how I had time to breathe. Maybe it'll change...

I have this feeling a new challenge is on the horizon...and it has nothing to do with my job.

Time will tell if my gut feeling is right.

CHANGE

I always envisioned it to happen a different way and with this reflection I hope that things will only get more challenging for me. Even at 24 years I still am not sure where I fit in, but I know that everyday I get closer and closer to my place in life. The only constant thing in my life other than my family was change. In fact, looking back on the past year, that’s all I really knew. My job changed, my home changed, even my family changed. I moved out of my parent’s house to another permanent residence, unlike in college when I was just moving around from apartment to apartment. I changed jobs from something that was more along the lines of my major to something that had nothing to do with it at all. My family has become bigger, with Byron’s help. I’ve learned to embrace change and know that’s just the way it’s going to be.

  HAPPPY 1st BIRTHDAY ROYCEE BOY!

This time next week, I will no longer be employed with Kiddie Kandids. *teardrop* I get 4 fabulous days off (not to mention a fucking awesome last paycheck thanks to the saved up PTO) and start at Allstate on Monday. Yay DAWN!

I'll miss seeing babies everyday (now I'm just stuck to the weekends I see Princess Taryn & Roycedizzle), but maybe that'll snap me back to the reality that Byron's in or make the baby lust worse, who knows. My time at Kiddie Kandids was a good time...now it's time to move on.

Poor babe is sick 'cuz of his allegeries, so I came home to him snoring. I hope he feels better when he wakes up. These damn allergies are kicking my ass too.

Why don't people update! I'm bored y'all!

Stolen from ROB (I'm so bored!)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Not having kids
02 | Snakes
03 | Cockroaches (bleh!)
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Byron
02 | Jimbo & Tony
03 | Taryn & Royce
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | Byron
02 | My Family
03 | My Friends
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | Stupid People
02 | Rich, White Parents
03 | Not Getting What I Want
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | Byron
02 | Some Parents
03 | French
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 | Checkbooks
02 | Pictures of Me & Byron
03 | Computer
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | Doing Laundry
02 | Squirming 'cause my tailbone is sore
03 | Thinking about paying bills
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | Get married & Have a family
02 | Learn to cook like my grandma
03 | Record an entire album
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | Take Pictures of Babies
02 | Sing & Dance
03 | Make some BOMB-ASS spare ribs
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | Blunt
02 | Don't take shit from nobody
03 | Can't ask for what I want
--------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | Think of myself first
02 | Dance the way I did in High School
03 | Get up after 8am
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | Your Heart
02 | John Mayer
03 | Jason Mraz
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | What everyone else says
02 | George W. Bush
03 | J Lo
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | "What did I say?" (instead of "I told you so!")
02 | "Oh...my goodness"
03 | "Uh Oh!"
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Chocolate
02 | Cali Rolls with Tobiko
03 | Meat Calzones from Me & Eds
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 | How to change my oil
02 | How to play baseball correctly
03 | How to cook like my grandma
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | Water
02 | Coffee
03 | Coke or Pepsi
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | Full House
02 | Perfect Strangers
03 | Cosby Show
------------------------------------------------------------

COUNTDOWN TO LAST DAY:9 days

I hate this feeling. I know what needs to be done and I don't think that it's fair that everything rides on my shoulders. Am I expecting too much?

FRIENDS finale was exactly what I wanted it to be: Rachel and Ross together forever. Byron said it was too predictable, but I don't think that I would have wanted it to end any other way. *sigh* I need a new hobby for Thursday night.

Worked a 12 hour shift today, but I'm in a pretty good mood because I know that 11 days from now I'll be throwing a peace sign up to Kiddie Kandids and having a glorious 4 days off! The Rentar girls came in and I got to see my goddaughter. Byron was holding her the whole time and she didn't cry once. He must have felt really good about that...they were so cute together. One day man, ONE DAY... At least he's starting to break down...and the fact that I'm starting a new job helps alot too!

I put the comment thingy there for a reason...use it bitches! jk *smooches!*

I found out some shit yesterday that really pissed me off...up until today. Now, I'm just kinda hurt because the person who said this about me I respected in many ways, but not so much anymore.

Here's the story:
On Monday, I put my 2 weeks notice at my work because I got a job at Allstate (M-F; 8:30-5...woohoo!). I'm pretty tight with my boss so everything went really well and she wasn't as upset as I thought she would be. But then I get this call yesterday from my girl Meisha and she tells me that my boss was upset because I didn't tell her boss that I was looking for a new job. So I'm thinking What the fuck? I'm supposed to tell your boss that I'm looking for a new job? This was bullshit. I'm not contractually obligated to tell her boss shit, so she can kiss my ass. I've been totally honest with her about everything that I was feeling about Kiddie Kandids, she knew that I wasn't completely happy and that I was putting my resume out to see what hits I would get and she had that nerve to talk behind my back to a close friend of mine? How fucking professional is that? I thought that I had a good relationship with my boss up until that point and I have no desire to talk to her or see her, all I want to do is work my 2 weeks out and be up out of there.

What sucks even more is that it strained our relationship and I was hoping that we could hang out and shit even though I didn't work for her anymore. I'm not gonna talk to her about it because I don't think that I should have to. I'm fucking tired of being the bigger person and if she had issues she should have talked to me. Another one bites the dust, I guess.

I may be cynical, but I think that eldery people and gas stoves are a VERY BAD IDEA. Someone should have told my mom that before remodeling.

As a request from the reegsta, I have now placed link so you all can place comments. If you are a hater visiting my site, please don't leave negative comments annoymously. Just have some balls and leave your full name...spanks.

A couple of days ago, I was looking through my phonebook on my cell phone and I realized that I don't really speak to half of the people that I have numbers for. So, I decided to take some "friend inventory" which makes me think of who came into my life so quickly, impacted me for the time being and how easily some of those relationships slipped away. Needless to say, my phone book is not nearly as packed as it used to be and with every name I went through I noticed that I had some sort of memory about them. I had a bunch of old co-workers on my phone (from Seneca days), guys I used to talk to back in SB (I'm such a pimp...jk), classmates, high school folks, etc. I never realized how many people I knew and coming from someone who's felt more than alienated lately, it was kind of an ego boost. I know that I can make friends very easily and I know that I mean something to at least 5 people out there (not including my family or Byron). It makes me think that I don't really need people to tell me that their life is a horrible mess without me, but that they're at least better off for having known me.

I highly suggest to you all to look at your cell phones and erase the numbers that you don't call anymore. It'll make you realize that the people you do call mean that much more.

I hope that I'm not overreacting. I think that part of me may be and I'll admit it. But sometimes I feel taken for granted. I think about so much when I'm by myself, almost to the point of insanity, but I've gotten better at keeping it under wraps.

This wasn't the case this week.

Maybe it's because a new change is on the horizon or the fact that I'm truly feeling tired and burnt out from work, but whatever the reason, I feel like it's gonna take some time before this feeling goes away. How do you ask for something that you need and actually get it? I've been trying to figure that out for days and for days I've been going crazy because the answer isn't as clear as I'd like it to be. For a long time, I've felt like something was missing. There is a void that needs to be filled and I don't know how or what to fill it with. I think a much needed vacation is due, some time for me and only me. I was talking to my friend Tricia today (the first Evangelista I've lived with..ha) and I told her that. She said, "But Dawn, you're not." I'm in denial about alot of things, and I'm starting to realize that whatever I feel, I'm creating for myself. Lately, I've been feeling like someone is putting himself WAY before me and being incredibly selfish with his time. I don't know how to get over this. I haven't talked to him since I left this morning, but it's not like he tried to call me either.

MIAH: Thanks for calling and checking in with me. Miss you mucho!

*hee hee* I'm soooo excited!

I don't even really give a fuck that my one of my associates is gonna be late!

"I'm up out this bitch!"

-Me to one of the BRU managers as I was checking out

I'm sad.

I'm sad because I talked to my lil sis Margarita...and I truly realized how much I miss her to the point where it actually hurts. Some people just don't know how lucky they are to see their college friends on the regular and bullshit with them whenever they please. Damn, I remember when I used to be able to do that, but now it requires so much planning to just even see them for a few days (like when Miah came to see me LAST MAY). Shit. I suppose that was the down side of me moving away from home to go to school, but the memories will last a lifetime...

At least I can say, "Hey, remember when..." or "Dood we did some stupid ass-shit when..." I cherish my memories as much as my true friends, but in a time where I don't see my friends as much as I'd like...

*sigh* The memories will just have to do.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that my thoughts can potentially kill me if I'm not careful. ACK...I better than that. I come up with the most stupid shit sometimes and in addition to that I become WAY insecure. I think that I've gotten a handle on not taking stuff personally, but when it rains it pours.

Do you ever feel like your being watched...or like someone's keeping tabs on you? I dunno man...people are prolly reading my shit, but then again maybe not.

There are a few people that you cross paths with who makes you feel so much better for having known them. For me, that's my MIT Liz. I love this girl, I swear she's just like a skinny white version of me. Just knowing her for the past 3 weeks has made me a better person. I've always been afraid of letting people down, putting their needs before mine and just thinking of others beside myself. Liz has taught me that it's more than just okay to put yourself first, it's something you have to do.

With that, I pray that it all goes well for me tomorrow. I would like the opportunity to start the life that I want to have: M-F, 9-5 job, marriage, & kids...

I can't wait 'til I can have sex again...sheesh 24 more hours.

When you were little, possibly 1st or 2nd grade, you said, "When I grow up, I wanna be __________." Here I am, 24 years old and I still can't fill in the blank. I know that there are alot of things that I like to do, but no real desire to work towards something. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that hasn't got a clue of where I envision myself. Right now, all I'm sure of is that I want a Monday to Friday, 9 to 5 job. Retail hours fucking suck. Props to those who can do it, but I just can't anymore. About the only thing besides my family that I know is going to be there for the long haul is Byron. I'm going to marry this man and have babies with him. Maybe that's all I really wanted for myself...to be loved and to give that same love right back.

"For once in my life, I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Would make my dreams come true

For once in my life, I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before
For once, I have something I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore

For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, i have someone who needs me"

-Stevie Wonder, For Once In My Life

I gotta lose some weight...even Byron's parents said something today :(

I went to church on Good Friday and Easter Sunday only to realize that I really should start going again. I think that I'm at a place in my life where I'm ready for my faith again. I just need the right kind of parish/church and I think that we found it today. When I was little, I did the whole "Raise a Catholic Child" thing - baptism, confession, communion, youth ministry, confirmation - which led to me never going through college (not even on the major Christian holidays). I knew too much about Catholicism and the real world. I just didn't fit in anymore. I think that the best way to sum it up was a line from Dogma: "Faith is like a glass. When you're small, the glass is small and it doesn't take much to fill it. As you get older, the glass gets bigger and it takes a bit more to fill." I'm not saying that I completely agree with all aspects of Catholicism, but if it taught me anything important, it was how to have faith.

I've always been envious of those whose faith is so strong and unfettered. I longed for that, but didn't know how to get there. Looking back on it all, it was just a matter of time. And the time is now.

I need this all to some how end up the way that I want it to.

Dawn Marie Ramirez Soria

The first name of Dawn leads you to assume considerable responsibility and to prefer to work independently, without direction or interference from others because you have very definite ideas of your own. Your mind is quick to comprehend and you can be depended upon to do any job well. Because you tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist, you might insist on doing too many things yourself instead of delegating jobs to others who might do less satisfactory work. This name does make you quite direct and straight-to-the-point.

Your name of Marie has created a practical, responsible, stable nature, and you desire to direct the efforts of others rather than to take order or ask permission. You have a determined, self-reliant, capable nature and resent any interference, although in your desire to help you are inclined to become involved in the lives and decisions of other people. You like to make your own decisions and to be the master of your domain. You feel a limitation in your own expression when it is necessary to reach another through tact and understanding.

Your name of Ramirez makes you very idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others. You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry. Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines. You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones.

Your name of Soria has created a deep, sensitive, refined nature with an intelligent mind. As you are particularly clever along business lines, and have mathematical ability and a keen appreciation of material values, you are inclined towards the business world. You would do well in a managerial position, as you have executive ability and a poised manner able to take charge and see that procedures are followed. You appreciate the finer things of life and look for quality in your material possessions. Your sensitivity and rather reserved manner make it very difficult for people really to know you.

Cool man. What does your name mean?

I'm full from lunch with Mr. Rentar and all I wanna do is sleep. Man, only 2 more hours then I get to go home...woohoo! I'm still waiting to hear back from UOP and I have an interview with US Bank on Tuesday. Yay. I get to drive up to Sac.

I was kinda surprised that Ron wanted to have lunch today, but then again I'm not. After all, I am his youngest daughter's ninang. Geez, kids grow up so fast. I look at Taryn and I still remember the day she was born. She was so tiny. She's still pretty petite, but that girl can talk your ear off if you let her. It's funny how time flies...

I wish that I could turn back the hands of time
And just erase the memory of you out of my mind

I think that my efforts to find a new job have been pretty much governed by one thing. No, it's not because I think my job sucks now or that I want a new career (well, maybe that's part of the reason). I've been actively searching for new work because I want to have a baby. Even though it has already been discussed that Byron's real reason for not being ready is mental and not financial, I still think that a better paying job equals having a baby.

I think that it's because that would be easier to fix. But what fixes someone that's not mentally ready?

Answer: TIME. Damn.

I don't like my body. I just don't feel motivated to do anything about it. SO who even knows if I'm going to do anything about it. I'm so tired when I get home...all I want to do is sleep.

I just finished writing a thank-you letter for that interview I had on Friday. She said that she didn't have an immediate opening, but she knew that she would need someone soon (I guess they're letting someone go or reconfiguring the department). She said that there is going to be at least 1 more interview and that she would be in contact with me by Wednesday.

Woo hoo. I get to close tonight. I hate closing. I hate retail. I don't mind talking to people and being nice and friendly to them, but I do mind being treated like shit and still have a smile on my face. Damn, I miss colleagues.

My allergies suck a big fat one...and I could only take one Benadryl because I need to stay up at work. Geez, I can't win today...although I did do pretty well at my interview this morning. It didn't suck royally like the other one did. I vibed really well with the hiring manager and smiled the whole time. And I was there for 2 frickin' hours. Now that's gotta be a good sign. She basically made it sound like she would have hired me on the spot if it was up to her, but she had to talk to her boss...so things are finally looking up. I think I may have another interview, so wish me the best and cross your fingers (all 7 of you, ha!)

Why is sex such a touchy subject for people? I mean...you do it or you don't...and I don't think there's such a thing as a "bad" lover...maybe an untrained/uneducated one (and I've had many, believe me)...so not all hope is lost. All you have to do is ask "what do you want?" and actually do it. A big part of a sexual relationship is actually getting off on the fact that your significant other is getting off. Like your girlfriend is screaming and moaning and your like "Dude, I'm making her do that!" Take pleasure in giving pleasure and trust me...your sex life will improve dramatically.

And that's the public service announcement for today.

I broke a plastic fork trying to eat my calzone...and it cut my finger. Son of a bitch.

Nobody should care about what I think or what I say...and if you do, I don't think that it's in your best interest to give me all of that power. I don't let anyone measure my worth, so why would anyone let me measure theirs? It just doesn't make any sense.

I'm gonna talk out of my ass like I always do with no apologies or regrets. I don't care about your life...so why care about mine?

Leave it alone...please. I'm too old for this shit.

I want the new (well, newer than Room for Squares) John Mayer CD! Why is he so tight? Why is he such a good singer/writer/musician? Why can't more guys be like him and Jason Mraz? Why?

Right now...
feelin' tired...wishin' that it was Tuesday...glad that I'm alive...excited about Friday...loved by many especially Byron...stuffed with McDonald's...watchin' the Simpsons...keepin' it real...

Exactly how I feel right now...

"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return."

-John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

Ugh...she didn't even come through yesterday (my boss that is), but she's coming today so I'll be seeing her in about and hour or so. If she's coming with the news that she's leaving, then I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll do. I feel like I always come to these crossroads and at the same time in the year too. I don't know if it's something about Spring and starting shit anew.

I got an unexpected call today...and now I have an in-person interview on Friday morning. I'm looking forward to it...but I'm not going to get my hopes up. Which leads me to my dilemma...if my boss comes in and says she's staying, it'll be all good...I could interview without the extra mental baggage. But what happens if she is leaving and they want to promote me? Do I really want to keep a job that impedes on my days off like it does now? Too much thinking makes me anxious...I'll just take it a day at a time.

Although...if I do *crosses fingers* get the job i interview for on Friday, babe & I would be at rival schools...now that's some funny shit.

I was creating a deadline calendar for my fellow managers (partly because I'm an over-achiever) and I usually add my boss' schedule on there so it's all on one calendar. She had sent out this month's and next month's and I was thinking Damn, she made a schedule for next month so I guess she's staying. I was really bummed out...but whatever I got over it. I didn't notice this before, but when I was looking at her next month's schedule and her name wasn't in the corner (and it usually is) and the notes section said "Subject to Change."

Hmm... I thought. Does that mean she's still may be going to Utah? She's supposed to come in today with my review...hopefully she comes in with different news too...

LOVE ME because I'm a selfless and caring person.
HATE ME because I'm highly-opinionated and will tell it like it is.
RESPECT ME because I'm intelligent and full of potential.
DISS ME because I'm better than you and you just can't handle it.

I lent Nelson some money today. It was strange that he asked and knowing the type of person he is, it must have swallowed alot of his pride to do it. But I know that if I was in the same situation, he would do it for me.

It's good to be friends with your ex.

"It's like being with your best friend everyday...and she let's you touch her boobs too!"
-Homer Simpson on being married

I don't know how I'm going to get through these next 2 weeks...ARGH! I saw an old associate from the Union City store when I was an MIT there for like 3 weeks (damn, that was like a year ago) and she asked me how long I was going to work here. I just looked at her and said, "I got a house payment...I just can't be up and leaving a job like that." As irritated and stressed out this job makes me, I know in my heart that it's going to lead to something good. I've always trusted my gut feeling and it's never led me astray...someone somewhere is gonna hook it up...so I'll just wait. You know that saying Good things come to those who wait is so fucking true that it's scary.

Byron and I went to the new model houses that opened up at Mountain House. There was one that we liked in particular and he said something to me that kinda took me by surprise.

(subject change) Okay, parents...I don't know why you people think that it's perfectly OKAY to touch my fucking props and come into my studio how ever the hell you please. The props are not toys and you are sending the message to your kids that it's OKAY to touch other people's things WITHOUT permission. Tak a goddamn parenting class. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK!(end subject change)

I'm too pissed off to continue...sorry y'all.

God damn...3 shits at work? Ha ha...I know that's TMI, but whatever. This is my blog dammit and I'll put whatever the hell I want. Been workin' like a mad woman and doing something that I never thought I'd do...work more than 40 hours a week! It's not like I'm hourly or anything, so after the 40 hours I'm basically working for free. Damn you salaried pay! *shakes fist*

I've been less edgy this week, which is a good thing (especially for Byron). Stressing out about shit I can't control has been the theme for the past couple months and now that I've figured out that it's just wasted energy, I've pretty much stopped. As much as I'd love to be promoted within the next 3 weeks, I can't hold my breath and I know my time will come. I've reached this sort of eerie calm lately, partly because I'm finally getting my store back to the way it was and I really don't mind the late hours because there is light at the end of the tunnel and I see it. I didn't see it before, but now I do and that's more than enough motivation to do well.

As for Byron and I...we'll be fine. We always seem to come out on top and the bottom line is that we come home to each other. I'm sorry for all the stupid fights that we've been having, but I guess that we've just hit that comfortable point in our relationship. We're just in dire need of a vacation...and June can't come soon enough.

Did You Know...

If I was living in SANDY, UT and making $40,000 per year...that would equal $63,136 in TRACY, CA. Can you believe that?

October 26, 2003...Dawn wrote:

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

There's a good chance of promotion happening very soon (within the next month or so) and I'm crossing my fingers that it's actually going to happen. As you can see my anniversary date of March 17 is quickly approaching...I'm not a regular church-goer (although I should be), but I'll be praying every night.

I hope that my boss doesn't change her mind.

I have much respect for people who don't take shit from anyone, have much to say even if it can be very unpopular and controversial, who take responsibility for their actions and that on top of all of that still have a sense of humor about it all.

Someone like me, I guess :)

My judgment is this...we're very similar people. Scary, huh?

I just have one more thing to add to my previous post. It has come to my attention, that some people just have a hard ass time letting shit go. I, for one have been guilty as charged, BUT guess what...I got over it. Did he beat you? Did he try to get you pregnant every chance he got just so you wouldn't leave? Did he try to kill himself in front of you, not once, but twice? Did he push you out of his car numerous times? Did he publicly embarrass you by pushing you into lockers and sucker punching the guy he thought you were cheating on him with? Did he cheat on you? Shit, this was my very first serious relationship...

Everyone's entitled to their own experiences...hell, I shouldn't be judging anyone...yet there are still more important things in this world. This is the first time I've ever talked about this particular guy.

And this will be the last. Let it go.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Your future occupation by meteoric
Your name
Your future occupation	Manager
Yearly income	$293,040
Hours per week you work	49
Education	College graduate
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

DAMMIT!

You're not going to be there forever. You're better than that. You have so much potential that it actually scares people. It will happen for you. It will happen.

Sometimes you need those daily affirmations...you know?

I want to talk about my relationship with Byron. I'm sitting at my parents house on my day off, listening to Taryn watch Teletubbies and I would like to talk about our relationship. At the age of 24, I feel that emotionally I've come full-circle...I'm definitely more patient and rational than I used to be, have a higher tolerance for certain behaviors, and have come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON. I understand that love is relative...it's not only this strong emotion that connects you to another person, but lifestyle as well. It's something that you grow into in time and you either fit or you don't. It's something that you're always working on and constantly making better...when you lose the desire to make it better then maybe it's really over. Love to me is a journey, not a destination. I used to think that I'd find love and that would pretty much be it for the rest of my life. I don't know if any of this is making sense and I could go on and on by comparing what I have now to what I had then, but what good would that bring? I know that what I felt at the time was what I thought was love AT THAT TIME. Who gives a fuck if I knew better or not at the time? I hate how people talk about "I wasted my time on him...blah blah blah." Okay, so you're obviously a completely different person than who you are now...shit, that's a part of growing. But you gotta remember that it was you BACK THEN that was in love, not the you NOW.

I'm happy because I've evolved into a person who is in love and will continue to be in love with Byron. I'm happy that I met him when I did because he evolved into a great guy too!

I absolutely despise certain white people. Whatever, man. Call me a racist if you want, but I have no respect or tolerance for those white people who feel that they have established an "alternative" way to raise their children. These same people allow their 3-year-old to make a decision...if you ask them if they want to take a picture, they're gonna say no...they also do not how to properly give a time-out...just ignore them people...and they allow their children to run a muck and destroy other epole's property. What kind of child-rearing is that?

Some people just shouldn't be parents...

"Wasn't it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not for me. All things were gonna happen naturally. Oh, taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side and balancing the whole thing. But often times those words, get tangled up in the lines and the bright light turns to night..."

*Sigh* When is it gonna happen for me...

Anxiety has become a familiar feeling to me. That sucks. But on the bright side...my ad went on Craiglist today and hopefully I will have a sleu of applicants pouring in. Maybe in 2 weeks I'll have a full staff along with an MIT.

Babe's so cute...he wanted to make adobo tonight but decided on tomorrow instead. I told him that I would be home and could make it for him and he said, "No. I want to make it myself." He kinda messed up the last time, so he was asking me in the car if we had all the ingredients. I also reminded him that he needed equal parts of soy & vinegar, you know, just to make sure he's successful this time around. Aw...what a sweetie.

I love you. Thanks for putting up with me.

It's not about YOU, it's about ME.

It's like the kettle calling the pot black...

Sad, ain't it?

Me: Lisa's quitting. Her last day is the 27th.
Babe: Aw...for real?
Me: Yeah. Dude, I feel like my right arm's been ripped off.
Babe: What? What happened? Did you hurt yourself? Is it like stinging or something?
Me: No! It's like a metaphor!
Babe: Ohh...I get it.

Don't laugh. My boss said the same shit too. But it is sad because I love Lisa so much and I've become so accustomed to seeing her everyday (she's my manager-in-training). I don't want her to become one of those friends that I lose contact with...but that's up to me right?

So...if you know anyone that's looking to go in management...HOLLA!

People in Dublin are so snobby. Especially the older women, you know, the grandmothers that come in buying all sorts of baby items for their grandchildren knowing full well that the child will not be small long enough to use all the items. It's those same women that tend to look down on me, making me feel like anyone can do my job and as they turn their noses up and look away, their grandchild gives me the hugest smile that only I could get out of them. And it's those same women, who drool over each picture and thank me endlessly for perfectly catching a "moment." Those women look forward to our next visit and I can only hope that they feel like shit for the way they treated me when they first walked in.

And all I can do is smile.

I suck because I'm fucking working on my day off.

No matter though...I'm getting off early on Saturday! We'll actually make it to a baby shower on time...yay!

"You and I both loved...
What you and I spoke of...
And others just read of...
And if you could see me now...
Well...I'm already finally out of words."

Must. survive. 2. more. hours. of. work.

And this is how I spent my Valentine's Day.

I had a good conversation yesterday. It was probably the most Byron has opened up and said to me in a long time. I feel good and I didn't really cringe while he was talking about his exes (well, ex). I guess it's true that some people can't stay friends or be friends with their exes. But for me, there are just some people I can't see not in my life, regardless of the evolution of our relationship.

Go figure :P

Is it so fucking hard to do something for someone else without caring about if it'll fuckin' benefit them or not? I am impatient because I just don't have the energy to be patient anymore.

I have needs too...DAMN IT!

I've been away from home too long. Instead of going home like everyone else did after the District Meetings, guess where I am...that's right...work. Although I do have to say that my motivation has come back slightly. I can't make my life go the way I want it to, so I'm just gonna sit back and let it all unfold the way it's supposed to. I'm tired of being stressed out for no reason, tired of being depressed over shit I can't control, and tired of just being a little bitch all together. There's so much more to life then this...and I'm just gonna live it.

Now...if only time could move faster so I can see my Byron.

"Today you may find yourself wondering about some questions, DAWN, but it will be hard to put them into words. You're concerned about your emotional security, as it is not very well defined in your life at the moment. However, it will probably be impossible to resolve anything completely today. Wait a few days. Your feelings will be a lot clearer, and the answers to your questions will be all the more obvious to you."

compliments of Astrocenter.com

I don't know what irritates me more...
People that don't listen...or people that make it excruciatingly obvious that they aren't listening.

On a different note, I will be spending 2 nights away from my bed partner. *Sigh* I miss him already.

I don't know if I could do the long distance relationship thing again. It was hard on me the first time (leading to its subsequent break-up) and difficult the second time (I cheated, damn). It's not even an option anymore...and I hardly think a job is worth all that trouble. I mean the opportunity is there and pretty much guaranteed, but something in my gut and my heart is telling me that it's just not worth it.

Even though I'm unhappy at work, I'm happy at home. As much as I'd love both, moving away could lead me to be unhappy with everything.

And the job search continues...

Here I am at a crossroads again. I feel like I'm never truly satisfied with what I have. I feel like I've been applying everywhere and haven't heard anything. It's hard to be positive when nothing positive has really happened. I wish that I had one of those Magic 8 balls to tell me that everything will be O.K. and that I shouldn't be stressing over what I can't control.

It's funny how I depend on something and/or someone else to validate my feelings when I can totally do it on my own.

Here I am at work again...closing for the 2nd time this week. I have this eerie feeling that I may be by myself tomorrow...I hate that feeling. Ugh. I try to keep a positive outlook on life, hoping that someday something will fall into my lap. Did you ever wish that you had a crystal ball that could look into the future so you could see if things would go you're way or not? I wish I did right now. ugh...

The last hour of work always drags...damn.

15 more minutes and I get to clean up. This night seemed like it dragged on forever...I hate closing sometimes because a minute feels like an hour and and hour feels like an eternity. I've lost alot of motivation here. Sad. I should be getting pulls or calling birthday club, but no...I'm blogging away and filling out job applications. Tomorrow, I'm going to Pleasanton to drop it off and hopefully be able to speak to whoever is doing the hiring. Sounds like an interesting position...I've always had an interest in HR...and it would be for a college district. Sounds very appealing...I think that I would do well. I'm perfectly qualified. Kiddie Kandids and Seneca Center has taught me how to deal with stressful situations and come out cool as a cucumber.

Damn, will the time ever go faster? Back to the applications...

How fucking boring and lame is my life right now? I'm sitting here at work, it's 2:35 pm and no one wants to take a picture. What the hell is wrong with you people? It's just a free 8x10. Thank god I told Lisa to go out marketing. I'm just not in the mood to be bitched out by my boss, not that she would really...she likes me too much. Sometimes it's a good thing, but I'm beginning to think that it's not. I should be doing some kind of work...but no...I'm lazy.

Is it bad that I don't do much at work or at least I don't feel like I do?

In the words of Miah...BLAH.

Do you ever not feel like yourself and kinda wish that you were in someone else's skin, even just for a while? I feel like I've been like that for at least a week now and I don't really know what to do. It's affecting my life and my relationship...I'm way too hard on Byron and I just need to let up. I'm so unhappy with my job right now and I take it out on him. I really wish I had something else that would take my mind off it, but then my cell phone rings and guess who the fuck it is...that's right...work.

Revelations come in strange forms. Yesterday, one of my associates was about to call out and I just flat out said, "I can't stay after 5, so you either need to be here or somebody else does." I just couldn't take it anymore. A job shouldn't impede on your life. A career maybe, but not a fucking job. Which is what Kiddie Kandids is for me right now. I'm scared that I'll just get trapped. I just want to be happy and proud of what I do. There ain't no fucking prestige in being a manager. You're just the person they bitch at if your associates fuck up. I want my life to turn around now and if I talk to anyone about this they'll tell me to be patient. Fuck. I have a hard ass time being fucking patient. I just want it to happen for me.

I envy Byron because even though he has to sit in traffic for 2-3 hours, he still is so happy to wake up in the morning. Even though it's just work, he looks forward to it. I hella want that. He's so lucky that he found that, but he always tells me, "It'll happen for you too, just wait. In the mean time, keep looking." He's right. It will happen for me, I just wish it would happen soon.

This blogging thing has become instant therapy for me because (a) I can vent all I want without interruption and (b) I can go back and read my entries and figure out shit on my own. On my own...I feel like that's where I am for the most part. I don't like to consider myself a loner, but sometimes I feel like no one understands me. I just want to be heard and spoiled like hell. I'm tired of being that person that always gives in, that person that feels awful if I do something that would even be considered remotely selfish, that person whose patience is endless for the most part but as soon as it wears people notice and aren't afraid to point it out.

I wish I knew why I was like this. I wish I didn't feel like crying every night. I wish that Byron would realize that I'm not always trying to start a fight and to stop taking things so damn personally. I'm not trying to piss you off, I'm doing something that I was never able to do before I met you...

...I finally trust someone enough to tell them how I truly feel. I don't want to tiptoe around any issue because avoiding a fight isn't going to make anything go away.

I don't fucking know. I have no clue how to fix this. What happens when someone runs out of patience for you? Is it because you're testing them? Like...how much do you truly love me? What the hell man...I should just stop.

Easier said than done.

Aw SHiEt...another frickin' survey...

Time started: 11:10 pm
· Name: Dawn Marie Soria
· Birthdate : September 15, 1979
· Hometown: Union City
· High School: James Logan
· Siblings: Sister Zen, Brother Jimbo...(Soon to be)In Laws Ralph and Ernesto Jr.
· Righty/Lefty: Right

· ~~~~~Your Looks~~~~~
· Hair Colour : black with brown highlights
· Eye Colour : brown
· Contacts/Glasses: Nope
· Any Piercings: 4 unused ear holes

· Any Rings: Haha...you'd think with 2 "soon to be in laws"...but no.
· What Shoes Do You Wear: Pumas, please. Some Steve Maddens too...thanks.

· ~~~~~Just Lately~~~~~
· How are you today: illin' on my day off
· What shirt are you wearing: CDT Sweatshirt
· What does your hair look like now? tied back after a rousing hour of DDR
· What song are you listening to right now: nothing
· you ate: toast and chocolate milk
What is the weather right now: rain...i think
· The last person you talked to on the phone: Byron...right before I picked him up from work

· ~~~~~More About You~~~~~
· What are the last four digits of your phone? 8575 or 6406
· If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink
· Have you ever almost died: no...thank you Jesus
· Best advice anyone's given to you: There's a difference between being able to do something and wanting to do something. Hence my current career dilemmas.
· What sport do you hate the most? hockey...I just don't understand it.

· How many phones do you have in your house: 4...6 including mine and Byron's cell phones.
· Do you have your own phone line: um...besides my cell phone...yes
· Place for a dream house: Hawaii...but I like the one that I'm in now
· Who would you tell your dreams to: Byron...xcept the ones I want to come true
Who is the loudest friend: Hmm...I think I'm the loudest friend
Who is the quietest friend: Liza

· ~~~~~You and Love~~~~~
· Do you believe in love: yes...didn't for a while though
· Do you believe in love at first sight? yes...my niece Taryn and my nephew Royce
· Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? yes
· Did you send this to your crush: uh...what?
· What song do you want played at your funeral: what the hell kind of question is this
· Lights on/off: On...gotta see the O-face
· Do you like snow, sun, or rain: um...in moderation
· Summer or winter: winter
· White or chocolate milk: Both
· Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Jell-O...there's always room for Jell-O
· Skiing or boarding: boarding
· Day or night: night
· Cake or pie: I have to choose one?
· Diamond or pearl: diamond
· Sunset or sunrise: Sunrise = Dawn

Time finished: 11:22 pm

Kiddie Kandids

Pros:
Work with children, Workplace different everyday, Great colleagues

Cons:
Pay, Hours, Stupid-ass customers

Seneca Center

Pros:
Work with children, Workplace different everyday, Great colleagues, Use of my BA

Cons:
Pay, Hours, Unwanted emotional stress

I need a career where I can work with children, the workplace is different everyday, have great colleagues and makes use of my BA.

Well...doesn't everybody?

Well...y'all need to fucking congratulate me because I started something today that I haven't done in 2 years.

Tae Bo, baby.

So what if I couldn't completely make it through the entire video. It just goes to show how not in shape I am. Well, I am a shape, but it's more of a round one.

In totally unrelated news, I found my Britney Spears CD. Good times.

Byron brought a bowl of popcorn up to me and said, "Here...I don't want to be selfish."

I'm starting to realize alot about myself that I thought I already had figured out. I'm knowing my limitations and what I will and won't do...I have a difficult time with just living day to day. I like to plan. I don't know why. I think that I get it from my mom. Actually, I think that I am becoming my mom.

I should just stop.

"...a dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep..."

I'm going to refrain from telling you what my dream was about last night, since most of me wants for it to come true. I've been super sensitive to Byron lately, just being outright irrational and what-not. I wish that sometimes I wasn't this way. I think because of my discontent with my life at this point, that I take it out on someone very close to me...someone who I love to no end...someone that understands me. And he just kinda sits there and takes it. I appreciate him so much for that, especially since this has been something that I've been looking for since I graduated college.

"...no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing...the dream that you wish will come true..."

I think that I may have figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I know that I love to work with kids. I know that I am a business savvy woman.

Let's attempt to put those 2 things together...Pre-school Director.

I feel that this would be a good time for me to go back to school because (a) it's been 2 years since I received my BA and (b) I'm WAAAAAY more focused than I was before. It might be age or the fact that I really just want to be happy with what I do. I realized at Seneca and Kiddie Kandids that I absolutely adore kids. I also realized that I love running a business. I think that my need to have a baby has a lot to do with the fact that I need kids in my life. Does that make sense?

Bottom line is that I just want to be happy and if I have to work from the ground up...so be it.

It's times like this when I'm happy that I stopped buying cigarettes. That's like $40 a month extra that I have. I'm gonna need it.

From Cheryll. Miss you too!

[ x ] Spell your first name backwards - nwad
[ x ] The story behind your lj/xanga/blogger username – Hawaiian Name
[ x ] Are you a lesbian – No. Strictly dick-ly
[ x ] Where do you live – In sin with the boyfriend...at Mountain House.
[ x ] Wallet – Kenneth Cole (discounted from Ross)
[ x ] Hairbrush – I have two.
[ x ] Toothbrush – That too.
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily – None...yet.
[ x ] Blanket – King sized, fought over nightly with another blanket hog.
[ x ] Coffee cup – Blue Cobalt.
[ x ] Sunglasses – I lost them. How sad.
[ x ] Underwear – Nope.
[ x ] Shoes – Comfortable ones since I'm on my feet all day.
[ x ] Handbag – Fake Gucci and Burberry
[ x ] Favorite top – I don't have a favorite so much as a top I where all the time...aka my Kiddie Kandids Shirts.
[ x ] Cologne/Perfume – Velocity by MK
[ x ] CD in stereo right now – One that Ben made so I can write songs to it.
[ x ] Tattoos – Butterfly on my back, low and to the left.
[ x ] Piercings – Um...four holes in my ears that I do not use.
[ x ] What you are wearing now – Again, Kiddie Kandids uniform.
[ x ] Hair – Long, Brown highlights, Rounded Layers (need haircut)
[ x ] Makeup – MK cuz I have so much of it.

WHO or WHAT (was/is/are)
[ x ] In my head – Who? Byron...What? Dreading work
[ x ] Wishing - I had a M-F, 9-5 job
[ x ] After this - Goin' back to work
[ x ] Talking to – No one...by myself :(
[ x ] Eating – WAS eating lunch
[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason – Can't think of anyone
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now – Byron...I won't see him 'til later tonight
[ x ] Is next to you – Conan O'Brien (on TV of course)
[ x ] Some of your favorite movies – Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Usual Suspects, Big Daddy, Deuce Bigalow...I could go on forever)
[ x ] Something you’re looking forward to in the upcoming month – My FAT-ASS BONUS
[ x ] The last thing you ate - Lunch
[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - Not having a baby
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die – Um...I want to be preserved like Ferdinand Marcos and displayed in my home.
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy – My thoughts....damn you thoughts!
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet what would it be? Daschund...the hot dog dog
[ x ] What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed up – Uh...24 hours baby...PCN 2k1
[ x ] Ever been to Belgium – can't say that I have
[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - Yeah...I have talent
[ x ] What are 5 cities you wouldn’t mind relocating to: Santa Barbara, San Diego, Honolulu, Miami, Manhattan
[ x ] What are some of your favorite pig out foods – Too many...but someone left pistachios at the house and we were eating that shit for days!
[ x ] What’s something that you wish people would understand - Their children and that life's fucking short
[ x ] What’s something you wish you could understand better - My desire to have a child
[ x ] Anyone you miss that you haven’t seen in a long time – Miah, Cheryll, Jenn, Heather, Tricia...so many to name...

I'm so excited.
And I just can't hide it.
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it.

Interview on Monday means new professional clothes. Can you say SHOPPING? Well, maybe not all out, prolly just a new blouse. And possibly a belt. Gonna stop talking about that because I don't want to jinx it...will let you know the status later.

I've decided that 2004 is the year for KIT. I have so many people that I just haven't talked to (or seen for that matter) in ages. I've already established a day of the week to talk with Miah and I plan to reach out to old skool Santa Barbarians in the near future. Oh, if we all blogged then we could really know what's goin' on. Oh well...

I've noticed that I'm not comfortable calling my boyfriend "babe" or "baby" or "love" or "honey." I was just never one for the terms of endearment, but the funny thing is I can hear myself saying it in my head to Byron, but his name comes out. Moded, huh? Maybe 2004 should be the year for that too...we shall see...

I'm so overwhelmed with everything. Do you ever feel like you have absolutely no control over anything that happens in your life? I think that at this point in my life, I'm just not happy. I'm not happy with certain aspects of my job (like pay and hours)and I'm not happy with the way I look (special thanks to holiday over-eating and my sedentary lifestyle)...Life for me is in the dumps right now. But not like "I'm so depressed...I'm needing to discover myself...I'm going to be so dramatic until this whole thing is over". I just need to get over myself and let the healing process begin.

Not happy with your job Dawn? Maybe you should find a new one. One new job application everyday. Something will happen.

Not happy with your looks/body Dawn? Eat better and exercise. You have that 3 day diet and look foward to those Tae-bo DVDs that you bought.

In the words of that famous shoe company's catch phrase: JUST DO IT.

Happy New Year everyone...I hope that you all have your resolutions all made up. As for me, I think that I will resolve to not make any resolutions and just take better care of myself both physically and emotionally.

And find my ass a better paying job while I'm at it.

I don't know about any of you out there...but I always thought that a college degree would open up this world of possibilities for me...like I'd be rolling in the dough right now...but it's just not that way. Don't get me wrong though...I do make enough money to support myself. Byron and I are not struggling (although Holidays did kick our ass, but we know better for next year), we're doing fine. We just want more work experience so we can get better paying jobs and make a baby (okay, maybe save up to get married first if we HAVE to do it in that order).

Anywho, I had a blast on NYE...my family was there and we all got drunk old skool style (3 people threw up...1 of them I had to take care of personally because we sleep in the same bed). I wonder what 2004 has in store...

I haven't exactly been the best at updating this thang right here (but it's not like I have millions of adoring fans), but since I finally have some quiet time...I'd like to reflect on the past year's events.

I could just make some cheesy list like some people or try to find one word that encompasses the whole year (but I won't bite off Cheryll, she's much cooler and smarter than I am). But I won't. It'll prolly be more "deep thoughts"-ish...you know, like Jack Handey.

Or I could go on about how growth isn't necessarily measured by inches or years, but by the status of your life. Are you still living with Mom and Dad, or old college roommates? Are you still working your retail job that pays you about $7.50/ hr or have you found a career with full medical/dental benefits? Are you still trying to pay off college debt or putting a down on a brand new condo?

I could tell you what I did this year...worked full-time, moved into a house with Byron...what I longed for this year...financial independence, emotional stability, a baby...what I want for next year...a better paying job, unconditional support, a family.

Looks like it's gonna be an interesting year. Party safe everyone.

"I cannot stand still. I can't be this unsturdy. This cannot be happening..."

I feel like shit.

I feel like shit because I've been up since 5 this morning, braved a 1 1/2 commute to Fremont, then another 30 min to Dublin, 8 hours of bullshit from stupid ass parents, 2 hour commute back to Fremont, almost falling asleep on the way to San Jose, a boyfriend that asked the same question over and over because he wasn't listening the first, second or third time, the same boyfriend that doesn't think that laughing and pointing out a booger on my nose is in anyway mean or embarrassing and now I'm on the damn computer because I just can't go back to sleep.

"This is over my head, but underneath my feet 'cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat..."

I guess I should get used to this right? No acknowledgement like I've become some kind of permanent fixture...like I'm not supposed to take anything personally.

"And everything will be back to the way that it was...I wish that it was just that easy."
-Lifehouse, Somewhere In Between

you are deepskyblue #00BFFF

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I cannot wait until this week is over...and the funny thing is, I haven't even gone to work this week yet! HA! As you all may know, there are only 9 shopping days left until Christmas. I think that Byron and I have gotten about...oh...1/4 of it done and that was all last night! Man...we already knew that this Christmas was going to be tight being that we just moved out into our brand new house and are still trying to get used to all the bills (not to mention each other) as well as recover from that extravanganza we called a "housewarming." I know that B has been stressin' about money and bills and what-not and I'm trying not to be (too much of) a bitch. Work's got me stressin' and these 2 bounced checks...gosh that hasn't happened in YEARS...like COLLEGE YEARS.

It's funny how just when you think you have a handle on your money (whoa, that rhymed!), some other shit has to happen like a traffic ticket or unexpected payments (like house tax). One of my biggest fears when moving into this house was money. You know that money is the root of all evil and breaks up happy homes and marriages. I'm glad that we're getting through this together and hopefully it'll get easier as we get used to it...that's until we complicate it with a baby or something (haha). But for the most part, we're handling it and that's all that matters.

NOTE for NEXT YEAR: Parents, please don't wait til the last minute to take your pictures last minute and if you do, don't get mad 'cuz you have to wait. It's not Kiddie Kandids fault that y'all are LAZY PROCRASTINATORS.

The Holidays Suck.

The Holidays in Retail Suck Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Sucks Donkey Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Dealing with Children Sucks Big Donkey Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Dealing with Children and Their Retarded Parents SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY DICK.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS Y'ALL!

I feel like lately someone (or something) is trying to tell me something. My friend Lisa has a non-profit business that gives low-income mothers stuff like baby clothes that are donated by other people. She also spent most of her Thanksgiving at a food shelter with her family feeding the homeless. I called her a philanthropist and asked her where she gets the stregth to do all these good deeds.

She told me that God told her to do it.

So does that mean that God's trying to tell me something? If he is, speak clearer...I'm not sure that I understand.

It's weird how you could live with someone and never really get to spend "quality time" with them. I mean...you see them every freakin' day, they're the first person you see when you wake up and the last person you see when you fall asleep, yet there aren't many opportunities to just sit there and enjoy their company. It was like that when I lived at my parent's house and it's sorta like that now. Don't get me wrong...I love living at Mountain House and I love living with Byron (even though he REALLY knows how to PUSH MY BUTTONS) it's just that we get so caught up with our lives at work and truly forget to look around us and to enjoy the company of the ones you love. I thought that I learned so much about myself when I was away at school only to come back to the reality that I"M STILL LEARNING. There's so much more that I want to experience while knowing that I've experienced so much to this point in my life. Does that make sense? If it doesn't, forgive me...I worked 12 hours straight today.

I guess the point is...as adults we still grow. I don't think that I'll ever be the same person I was yesterday and tomorrow I won't be the same person I am today because I'm constantly wanting to know more about myself and about my life around me. How profound, huh? See what happens when you have about 30 minutes to yourself in the car alone speeding down the Altamont (sorry B, I know that scares you).

Hey! I'm going to Disneyland in T-minus 3 days! WOOHOO!

I was talking to a good friend of mine over IM today and I realized that I am now an adult. Not because I'm done with school...not because I'm working full time...not because I've moved out to live with my boyfriend...but because I was a part of a rather large event yesterday. There's so much planning involved and no matter how planned it is...it never goes the way you plan.

Not that I didn't think it was a huge success because it was. We were surrounded by loved ones and everyone was so great to each other and nothing broke...the walls were scratched up but that's pretty much it. It just made me think about the parties that happened when I was little, the hustle and bustle of the adults around me, talking to each other, the kids in one room playing together and I guess it just dawned on me...

I used to be one of those kids in the room and now I'm just an adult running around talking to everyone.

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you

You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a Black Celica.
You will marry Byron and have 5 kids.
You will be a District Manager in Santa Barbara.

-compliments of Play Mash

One day, I'll be able to handle everything that comes my way.

It's hard to be the stronger one when you feel weak yourself.

Stress is so unecessary, yet an essential part of life.

I'm worth more than they're paying me.

Byron said that we can have a baby next year.

I think that I want to get back into education again. Or at least some bastardized form of it.

We spent most of the day cleaning and organizing, but for some reason I was super sensitive to Byron's bossy, yet normal self. I felt bad, but I honestly don't know why today I just couldn't take his bossiness. But whatever, I know that it's not an ongoing thing...I'd like to think that I'm fairly understanding and pretty easy-going when it comes to suff like that. Just one of those days, I guess.

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

Hope the economy picks up by then...

Now I know...
It's meant to be.
It took awhile
But now I see...
Me for you,
You for me...

I LOVE YOU BYRON! MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!

Damn...I hate the way you know me...and Damn, you kill when you hold me like I'm your world, like this won't hurt, like a favorite cursing every nerve...Damn, I'm fightin' and I'm losin' it...Damn you, you're pullin' and a pushin'...I'm wrestlin with, I toss and twist...Baby, I give in...

Damn...

I'm beginning to think that I should actually have a life outside of my home...outside of just me & Byron because it could potentially ruin everything that I've worked so hard for. I dunno...I feel like a good portion of the time I'm trippin' over nothing and I honestly don't know why. I feel like I'm in HIGH SCHOOL because I have that same insecurity that I did back then and you would think that after 4 1/2 years of college and 2 in the real world would have snapped me out of it...but no...shit's still there.

It prolly stems from the fact that I've always felt so insignificant to EVERYONE especially my family, like nothing I'd do would really matter or just be overlooked in some way...but if I did something really terrible THEN it would turn some heads. I've been feeding off of negative attention for most of my life and lived by that "it feels so good to be so bad" mantra.

I hate this. I hate this about myself. I can't just let it go and move on. I have to take everything so personally and shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm a grown-ass woman and still able to throw little temper tantrums like a little bitch. I'm so disgusted with myself that it's not even funny.

SHIT. Maybe it'll look better tomorrow...

Compromise has got to be the most difficult verb in the English language. I'm telling you...it's not all flowers and sunshine no matter how much you love someone. I'm not saying that my relationship is in the dumps right now, but I swear to God I have the most terrible timing ever and unfortunately this is something I've been working on for the past 3 years. Ugh. Life is in no way perfect and I think that I got that yesterday. I remember when I was training for my old job, and I spoke to my supervisor about how I handle particular situations, like confrontation. To make a long story short, he likened me to a soda bottle capped very tightly. When confronted, the bottle is shaken and begins to build pressure. For the most part I can handle it, but it takes the slightest movement to just explode.

I wish there was a way I could stop the pressure from building. I try to talk about it, but as soon as I feel that whoever isn't listening, that bottle cap goes right back on and the pressure is back. I don't know where I got this mindset of neglect, like no one truly cares or is willing to bend over backwards for me. I try to tell myself it's not true, but sometimes you never know. I'd hate to think that I would be taken for granted and often wonder if anyone would truly miss me if I was gone. I know that in a universe so big (which I've actually learned over the past year that it actually is quite small, go figure) we all would like to feel significant, maybe not to every in their network of friends, but to someone that truly matters to them.

You always want to be important to the person that is most important to you.

.:LYRICAL GENIUS:.

10 things I hate about you
Number one, you've kept me on run
Number two, I never knew what to do
Number three, can't you see
You're making me go so crazy...

Why do you continue
To do what you do
I wish I never met you
I wish that it wasn't true

More to come...

.:LYRICAL GENIUS:.

I like how this thing gets updated like once a week. And the funny shit is, Blogger looks different everytime I try to post! Weird shit...

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since the first night we stayed at the Mountain House. I have to say that it is very interesting living with a significant other. I mean, I've had roommates and I know what it's like to live on your own, but this is so different. There's a lot of give and take...but most importantly, you get to see a side of that person that you've never seen before. I think that this is were most serious relationships fail. Some people are so set in their ways that they don't know how to bend. I know that my behavior at home is erratic (sorry hunny!), but at the same time, Byron has never lived with a girl (not even like a sister 'cuz mom don't count). I guess this post stems from an...uh...altercation that occured this morning.

Basically, I go to Union City on my day off in the week. So, I go to work with Byron in the morning and he picks me up when he gets off. This morning, Byron tries to leave at 6:30 am and woke me up at 6:12 am. That left me only enough time to wash my face and brush my teeth. Here's the conversation:

Byron: "Let's go."
Dawn: "I'm not ready you know."
Byron: "You have to put on make up still?"
Dawn: "Well, yeah!"
Byron: "I have to leave now! Just take it with you!"
Dawn: says nothing, just angrily puts stuff together

I was in a bad mood for the rest of the morning. I think I'm going to apologize for my behavior.

What kind of life are we leading, when we only know how to look towards the future? Today will mean yesterday, if we let it slip by us so quickly.

I don't know what made me think that, but I guess it's just me in anticipation of leaving work. My feet hurt and I'm tired. I'm hungry too, so guess who's looking forward to those leftovers I brought home from Mom's house yesterday.

RIP Mama Deling...9/9/91...I love you and miss you dearly.