I think that I want to get back into education again. Or at least some bastardized form of it.

We spent most of the day cleaning and organizing, but for some reason I was super sensitive to Byron's bossy, yet normal self. I felt bad, but I honestly don't know why today I just couldn't take his bossiness. But whatever, I know that it's not an ongoing thing...I'd like to think that I'm fairly understanding and pretty easy-going when it comes to suff like that. Just one of those days, I guess.

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

Hope the economy picks up by then...

Now I know...
It's meant to be.
It took awhile
But now I see...
Me for you,
You for me...

I LOVE YOU BYRON! MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!

Damn...I hate the way you know me...and Damn, you kill when you hold me like I'm your world, like this won't hurt, like a favorite cursing every nerve...Damn, I'm fightin' and I'm losin' it...Damn you, you're pullin' and a pushin'...I'm wrestlin with, I toss and twist...Baby, I give in...

Damn...

I'm beginning to think that I should actually have a life outside of my home...outside of just me & Byron because it could potentially ruin everything that I've worked so hard for. I dunno...I feel like a good portion of the time I'm trippin' over nothing and I honestly don't know why. I feel like I'm in HIGH SCHOOL because I have that same insecurity that I did back then and you would think that after 4 1/2 years of college and 2 in the real world would have snapped me out of it...but no...shit's still there.

It prolly stems from the fact that I've always felt so insignificant to EVERYONE especially my family, like nothing I'd do would really matter or just be overlooked in some way...but if I did something really terrible THEN it would turn some heads. I've been feeding off of negative attention for most of my life and lived by that "it feels so good to be so bad" mantra.

I hate this. I hate this about myself. I can't just let it go and move on. I have to take everything so personally and shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm a grown-ass woman and still able to throw little temper tantrums like a little bitch. I'm so disgusted with myself that it's not even funny.

SHIT. Maybe it'll look better tomorrow...

Compromise has got to be the most difficult verb in the English language. I'm telling you...it's not all flowers and sunshine no matter how much you love someone. I'm not saying that my relationship is in the dumps right now, but I swear to God I have the most terrible timing ever and unfortunately this is something I've been working on for the past 3 years. Ugh. Life is in no way perfect and I think that I got that yesterday. I remember when I was training for my old job, and I spoke to my supervisor about how I handle particular situations, like confrontation. To make a long story short, he likened me to a soda bottle capped very tightly. When confronted, the bottle is shaken and begins to build pressure. For the most part I can handle it, but it takes the slightest movement to just explode.

I wish there was a way I could stop the pressure from building. I try to talk about it, but as soon as I feel that whoever isn't listening, that bottle cap goes right back on and the pressure is back. I don't know where I got this mindset of neglect, like no one truly cares or is willing to bend over backwards for me. I try to tell myself it's not true, but sometimes you never know. I'd hate to think that I would be taken for granted and often wonder if anyone would truly miss me if I was gone. I know that in a universe so big (which I've actually learned over the past year that it actually is quite small, go figure) we all would like to feel significant, maybe not to every in their network of friends, but to someone that truly matters to them.

You always want to be important to the person that is most important to you.