I have a bachelor's degree, a good job, a beautiful house, a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend/fiance, a close circle of friends, no huge problems... I'm so fufilled...

Looking back, I realized that there were moments in time when I would do things just for the drama. There are a lot of people in this world who swear up and down that they've got it harder than everyone else and that makes them "better." I'm admitting right now that I had a pretty easy time growing up. I had parents who supported everything I did from going to all the county fairs I used to sing at to all my winterguard shows (Dayton & Phoenix) to my crossover formal to graduation...and yes, I was handed almost everything on a silver platter. I'm lucky. I know.

There are too many people in the world who do things just for the drama...you're average...so what?

I never have money.

I always eat out for lunch, I pay $200/month for each credit card, I have student loans, I told my parents I'd start paying for my car, I joined a gym, I'm addicted to online shopping, I pay a mortgage, I give my sister money, I pay when my brother goes out...

Does it ever stop?

My dad wasn't even in Union City for Father's day...boo!

No matter though, I spent the morning with the in laws instead. We went to church then had dim sum in Milpitas. It's actually kind of funny because I feel like I go to church with their family more than my own. We spent the afternoon in Union City for some Father's Day bowling with my brother and the Reyes family. Damn...I suck at bowling. Byron made Taryn say "Happy Father's Day" to him because the priest at church said "Happy Father's Day" to the uncles too. Maybe next year babe, maybe next year.

I've had a lot of anxiety lately, mostly because of my job. You know those first couple of months when you really suck because you're still learning the ropes? Well...that's about where I am now, but I'm doing good. Lately I've been thinking about money a lot and I'm seriously considering going bakc to Kiddie Kandids (part-time and only taking pictures), but I don't know if I can negotiate getting paid more than $10/hour. That's really the only way it'll be worth it. We'll see...

I haven't seen Taryn and Royce for 2 weeks. That's TOO DAMN LONG. But that's okay 'cuz I'll see them Sunday.

Work is...work. I hate that first couple weeks when you feel like you don't know shit and it really shows. I know that in the beginning you should "be comfortable with being uncomfortable," so I'm dealing and trying not to think about it so much. After all, it is the weekend.

I'm seriously considering getting my license and selling insurance. What do you think?

NOT COOL: Sitting in my car with the AC blasting...and I'm still hella sweating.

OLDSKOOL vs. NEWSKOOL

What is the big deal? Why can't people move on? That goes for both parties...hate to break it to y'all...but no one gives a fuck about what you did in college. I held on to Chi Delts up until I left SB. I was Urban Coordinator for PCN until I left. I took away many positive attributes that help me today, but you don't see me all up in there business...goodness that was like 4 years ago. And even if they did say something back, does it make them look just so mature? Like they're ready for the bullshit that you encounter in the workplace? You don't see me going up to my manager and running my mouth about how they don't know how it is or that it's different now. NO...my ass would GET FIRED. It's great to have an opinion, but goddamn...choose the time and place...life's too short to be self-righteous about everything. All that shit don't matter in the end.

If you post something on the internet, it's there for everyone to see. If you respond to whatever's posted, then you just stoop to the level of the person who posted it before you. I've been a victim of guestbook tagging and berating, but what I've learned now is that shit won't matter when you're in the Real World. So they have something to say...don't we all? Geez, do us all a favor and grow the fuck up.

I will now welcome any comments, positive or negative.

I got to see my best friend from high school, who currently resides in NYC (Queens, to be exact) and it was great to see her as it always is and now there's plans for me to go for my 25th birthday! Yay me! I haven't been to NY since I was little and my family took a cross country road trip (all 2 months of it) so I'm very excited...hopefully, my supervisor will okay the time off since I'll prolly be one of those schmucks working during the holiday. I also found out that her parents live in Mountain House too! It was a trip being in another home that wasn't ours or the model homes.

Losing weight is like a 24 hour job and shit. I've been trying to be really careful about what I eat and stuff...but damn it's hard. I think the only reason why I lost weight in college was because I was too poor for food! How sad is that?

Every month I go through the same thing...and every month I'm depressed over something I want but can't have. Just because I'm understanding about it doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to have my on feelings about it. I'm starting to feel like there's no plan. There's nothing to look forward to in the future y'all, so let's just sit our asses back down and staring longingly at the past because that's what the focus is.

Or am I being unfair because I've lived away from the watchful eye of my parents? That I actually know what it feels like to live and budget on my own or *gasp* only pay the minimum balance on my credit cards? That I did a majority of my growing and found myself in sunny Santa Barbara? I'm just so fixated on this life I've idealized for myself...when I was done with school, where my "permanent address" isn't my parent's house anymore, when I found a job that didn't make me go crazy...all of this would somehow culminate into this marriage and family I've wanted so badly. I'm realizing that right now, I'm the only one that truly wants this and is ready for it RIGHT NOW.

It's so much easier to see it through the looking glass, but it sucks when you're looking at it alone.

Yes, it's Monday and I'm at home...sick. We had a BBQ yesterday with Byron's family and the girlfriends (Abby & Aimee), which led to me flaking on my mom and felt really bad about it later. We ate so much yesterday, but I feel like I'm the only one whose stomach was just not being good at all. I thought that it would only be a one day thing, but I'm here at home suffering. I'm scared to eat. I HATE THROWING UP, but luckily that hasn't happened yet. It could be a number of different things, but what I think it is...well, I've already said too much. I just needed to get it off my chest because it's been weighing on my mind for the past couple of weeks.

I found a letter that my mom and dad wrote me when I was a Freshman in High School. At that time, I was an ignorant and rebelious teenager, dating someone who my parents could have pressed charges for statutory rape, and just immature. I put my parents through alot that year and even made my dad cry. No one makes my dad cry...he barely did at his parents' funerals. Reading the letter brought me to tears, especially now that I am an adult that can have adult conversations with my parents. They've evolved from parents to people I can see eye to eye with...my friends.

It crazy how we now see what our parents were trying to do for us back then. They were just trying to prevent us from making mistakes and protecting us the best way they know how. Lying in my bed & in my own house made me realize that I'm ready to instill that in someone. This need for me to be married with a child keeps growing more and more everyday...