I wish that I could turn back the hands of time
And just erase the memory of you out of my mind

I think that my efforts to find a new job have been pretty much governed by one thing. No, it's not because I think my job sucks now or that I want a new career (well, maybe that's part of the reason). I've been actively searching for new work because I want to have a baby. Even though it has already been discussed that Byron's real reason for not being ready is mental and not financial, I still think that a better paying job equals having a baby.

I think that it's because that would be easier to fix. But what fixes someone that's not mentally ready?

Answer: TIME. Damn.

I don't like my body. I just don't feel motivated to do anything about it. SO who even knows if I'm going to do anything about it. I'm so tired when I get home...all I want to do is sleep.

I just finished writing a thank-you letter for that interview I had on Friday. She said that she didn't have an immediate opening, but she knew that she would need someone soon (I guess they're letting someone go or reconfiguring the department). She said that there is going to be at least 1 more interview and that she would be in contact with me by Wednesday.

Woo hoo. I get to close tonight. I hate closing. I hate retail. I don't mind talking to people and being nice and friendly to them, but I do mind being treated like shit and still have a smile on my face. Damn, I miss colleagues.

My allergies suck a big fat one...and I could only take one Benadryl because I need to stay up at work. Geez, I can't win today...although I did do pretty well at my interview this morning. It didn't suck royally like the other one did. I vibed really well with the hiring manager and smiled the whole time. And I was there for 2 frickin' hours. Now that's gotta be a good sign. She basically made it sound like she would have hired me on the spot if it was up to her, but she had to talk to her boss...so things are finally looking up. I think I may have another interview, so wish me the best and cross your fingers (all 7 of you, ha!)

Why is sex such a touchy subject for people? I mean...you do it or you don't...and I don't think there's such a thing as a "bad" lover...maybe an untrained/uneducated one (and I've had many, believe me)...so not all hope is lost. All you have to do is ask "what do you want?" and actually do it. A big part of a sexual relationship is actually getting off on the fact that your significant other is getting off. Like your girlfriend is screaming and moaning and your like "Dude, I'm making her do that!" Take pleasure in giving pleasure and trust me...your sex life will improve dramatically.

And that's the public service announcement for today.

I broke a plastic fork trying to eat my calzone...and it cut my finger. Son of a bitch.

Nobody should care about what I think or what I say...and if you do, I don't think that it's in your best interest to give me all of that power. I don't let anyone measure my worth, so why would anyone let me measure theirs? It just doesn't make any sense.

I'm gonna talk out of my ass like I always do with no apologies or regrets. I don't care about your life...so why care about mine?

Leave it alone...please. I'm too old for this shit.

I want the new (well, newer than Room for Squares) John Mayer CD! Why is he so tight? Why is he such a good singer/writer/musician? Why can't more guys be like him and Jason Mraz? Why?

Right now...
feelin' tired...wishin' that it was Tuesday...glad that I'm alive...excited about Friday...loved by many especially Byron...stuffed with McDonald's...watchin' the Simpsons...keepin' it real...

Exactly how I feel right now...

"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return."

-John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

Ugh...she didn't even come through yesterday (my boss that is), but she's coming today so I'll be seeing her in about and hour or so. If she's coming with the news that she's leaving, then I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll do. I feel like I always come to these crossroads and at the same time in the year too. I don't know if it's something about Spring and starting shit anew.

I got an unexpected call today...and now I have an in-person interview on Friday morning. I'm looking forward to it...but I'm not going to get my hopes up. Which leads me to my dilemma...if my boss comes in and says she's staying, it'll be all good...I could interview without the extra mental baggage. But what happens if she is leaving and they want to promote me? Do I really want to keep a job that impedes on my days off like it does now? Too much thinking makes me anxious...I'll just take it a day at a time.

Although...if I do *crosses fingers* get the job i interview for on Friday, babe & I would be at rival schools...now that's some funny shit.

I was creating a deadline calendar for my fellow managers (partly because I'm an over-achiever) and I usually add my boss' schedule on there so it's all on one calendar. She had sent out this month's and next month's and I was thinking Damn, she made a schedule for next month so I guess she's staying. I was really bummed out...but whatever I got over it. I didn't notice this before, but when I was looking at her next month's schedule and her name wasn't in the corner (and it usually is) and the notes section said "Subject to Change."

Hmm... I thought. Does that mean she's still may be going to Utah? She's supposed to come in today with my review...hopefully she comes in with different news too...

LOVE ME because I'm a selfless and caring person.
HATE ME because I'm highly-opinionated and will tell it like it is.
RESPECT ME because I'm intelligent and full of potential.
DISS ME because I'm better than you and you just can't handle it.

I lent Nelson some money today. It was strange that he asked and knowing the type of person he is, it must have swallowed alot of his pride to do it. But I know that if I was in the same situation, he would do it for me.

It's good to be friends with your ex.

"It's like being with your best friend everyday...and she let's you touch her boobs too!"
-Homer Simpson on being married

I don't know how I'm going to get through these next 2 weeks...ARGH! I saw an old associate from the Union City store when I was an MIT there for like 3 weeks (damn, that was like a year ago) and she asked me how long I was going to work here. I just looked at her and said, "I got a house payment...I just can't be up and leaving a job like that." As irritated and stressed out this job makes me, I know in my heart that it's going to lead to something good. I've always trusted my gut feeling and it's never led me astray...someone somewhere is gonna hook it up...so I'll just wait. You know that saying Good things come to those who wait is so fucking true that it's scary.

Byron and I went to the new model houses that opened up at Mountain House. There was one that we liked in particular and he said something to me that kinda took me by surprise.

(subject change) Okay, parents...I don't know why you people think that it's perfectly OKAY to touch my fucking props and come into my studio how ever the hell you please. The props are not toys and you are sending the message to your kids that it's OKAY to touch other people's things WITHOUT permission. Tak a goddamn parenting class. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK!(end subject change)

I'm too pissed off to continue...sorry y'all.

God damn...3 shits at work? Ha ha...I know that's TMI, but whatever. This is my blog dammit and I'll put whatever the hell I want. Been workin' like a mad woman and doing something that I never thought I'd do...work more than 40 hours a week! It's not like I'm hourly or anything, so after the 40 hours I'm basically working for free. Damn you salaried pay! *shakes fist*

I've been less edgy this week, which is a good thing (especially for Byron). Stressing out about shit I can't control has been the theme for the past couple months and now that I've figured out that it's just wasted energy, I've pretty much stopped. As much as I'd love to be promoted within the next 3 weeks, I can't hold my breath and I know my time will come. I've reached this sort of eerie calm lately, partly because I'm finally getting my store back to the way it was and I really don't mind the late hours because there is light at the end of the tunnel and I see it. I didn't see it before, but now I do and that's more than enough motivation to do well.

As for Byron and I...we'll be fine. We always seem to come out on top and the bottom line is that we come home to each other. I'm sorry for all the stupid fights that we've been having, but I guess that we've just hit that comfortable point in our relationship. We're just in dire need of a vacation...and June can't come soon enough.

Did You Know...

If I was living in SANDY, UT and making $40,000 per year...that would equal $63,136 in TRACY, CA. Can you believe that?

October 26, 2003...Dawn wrote:

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

There's a good chance of promotion happening very soon (within the next month or so) and I'm crossing my fingers that it's actually going to happen. As you can see my anniversary date of March 17 is quickly approaching...I'm not a regular church-goer (although I should be), but I'll be praying every night.

I hope that my boss doesn't change her mind.

I have much respect for people who don't take shit from anyone, have much to say even if it can be very unpopular and controversial, who take responsibility for their actions and that on top of all of that still have a sense of humor about it all.

Someone like me, I guess :)

My judgment is this...we're very similar people. Scary, huh?

I just have one more thing to add to my previous post. It has come to my attention, that some people just have a hard ass time letting shit go. I, for one have been guilty as charged, BUT guess what...I got over it. Did he beat you? Did he try to get you pregnant every chance he got just so you wouldn't leave? Did he try to kill himself in front of you, not once, but twice? Did he push you out of his car numerous times? Did he publicly embarrass you by pushing you into lockers and sucker punching the guy he thought you were cheating on him with? Did he cheat on you? Shit, this was my very first serious relationship...

Everyone's entitled to their own experiences...hell, I shouldn't be judging anyone...yet there are still more important things in this world. This is the first time I've ever talked about this particular guy.

And this will be the last. Let it go.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Your future occupation by meteoric
Your name
Your future occupation	Manager
Yearly income	$293,040
Hours per week you work	49
Education	College graduate
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

DAMMIT!

You're not going to be there forever. You're better than that. You have so much potential that it actually scares people. It will happen for you. It will happen.

Sometimes you need those daily affirmations...you know?

I want to talk about my relationship with Byron. I'm sitting at my parents house on my day off, listening to Taryn watch Teletubbies and I would like to talk about our relationship. At the age of 24, I feel that emotionally I've come full-circle...I'm definitely more patient and rational than I used to be, have a higher tolerance for certain behaviors, and have come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON. I understand that love is relative...it's not only this strong emotion that connects you to another person, but lifestyle as well. It's something that you grow into in time and you either fit or you don't. It's something that you're always working on and constantly making better...when you lose the desire to make it better then maybe it's really over. Love to me is a journey, not a destination. I used to think that I'd find love and that would pretty much be it for the rest of my life. I don't know if any of this is making sense and I could go on and on by comparing what I have now to what I had then, but what good would that bring? I know that what I felt at the time was what I thought was love AT THAT TIME. Who gives a fuck if I knew better or not at the time? I hate how people talk about "I wasted my time on him...blah blah blah." Okay, so you're obviously a completely different person than who you are now...shit, that's a part of growing. But you gotta remember that it was you BACK THEN that was in love, not the you NOW.

I'm happy because I've evolved into a person who is in love and will continue to be in love with Byron. I'm happy that I met him when I did because he evolved into a great guy too!