I haven't been on Friendster for 5 days now.

I'm starting to twitch.

Must. stop. Friendster. more. addicting. than. smoking.

YIKES!

"What's this? You're gettin' fat there!"

THINK BEFORE SPEAKING.

Sometimes, I wish that YOU held ME until I fell asleep. Sometimes I wish that I didn't feel this way. Sometimes I wish that I could better articulae myself so you know exactly how I feel. Sometimes I wish that I didn't take so many things so personally. Sometimes I wish that you're world revolved mostly around me. Sometimes I wish that you could read my mind so the words wouldn't get in the way. Sometimes I wish you would understand that it's not what you say it's how yu say it. Sometimes I wish I could grow wings and fly away. Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and everything looked better in the morning. Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't have to always explain myself...sometimes it just hurts. Sometimes I want to be with the person you love most. Sometimes I want you to humor me and accept the fact that I do my best thinking at night. Sometimes I want them to remember that even though I am working this Saturday, I am still willing to drive 2 hours to Roseville. Sometimes I want you to think about how difficult it is to not tell my parents that I are moving. Sometimes I wish that the little things didn't hurt in such a big way.

"Hold on...Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why...
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell. But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see...a different side of me."

Last night, I made my boyfriend cry.

It's hard to have your feelings acknowledged when you are so concerned abot making someone you truly care about (and love so dearly) feel better. I'm going through some..."interesting" times right now. I hate the fact that my associates can be fucking morons and that because of them I had to work all 7 days this week. I hate the fact that now that I work in retail, I miss a lot of cool, fun stuff (or I show up late to it). I hate the fact that I've been hiding an important secret from my parents, but don't know how to tell them. I hate the fact that I often say "long time no see" to the family I live with. I hate the fact that I have to drive 30 minutes to see my boyfriend. I hate the fact that my idea of spending time with Byron completely differs from his. I hate the fact that I cried myself to sleep last night.

I don't hate my job or my associates (well, maybe one). I don't hate my family or my parents. I especially don't hate my boyfriend. If anything, I love these things more than anything in the world right now.

I just hate the crappy stuff that comes with it.

Doooood...

Justin Timberlake is fine as hell. FINE AS HELL. Jenn asked me if I would whore myself to him while we were driving to the concert and I replied, "This is just not the week for that." I can't even whore myself to my own boyfriend...how am I supposed to whore myself to JT? Let me just say that we were close enough to the stage that we were watching groupies talking to Johnny Wright (JT's manager) trying to...well...whore themselves to him. It was a fucking trip.

I didn't think that I would enjoy the Xtina portion of the show, but I did. I got to sing along with her old school shit and now I have a reason to buy her CD. Not as raunchy as I thought. I was always a fan of her singing...I love it when concerts make me a better fan.

I haven't really been myself lately and I don't know why. I think it's all the pressure that's building from moving out and the fact that I'm too chicken to tell my parents. I feel bad because I've been taking it out on Byron, but I usually try to apologize when I do that. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't think about how big this step is for the both of us.

Graduation time. Pomp and circumstance. Starting new chapters, ending old ones.

Remember when you thought you knew everything...but as time passed you learned that there's so much more out there than you thought? You thought you've discovered yourself, but then realize that there's so much more to learn about everything especially yourself? And when you thought you've conquered the difficult stuff only to realize that there's more conquering that lies ahead?

It's interesting to see this change in people and know I was once there. Time does change everything, whether we like it or not , and we just have to accept change as it comes. A wise person once told me "it's okay to think about it, but it's not okay to dwell on it."

Class of 2003...welcome to the next step.

I think Janet Jackson (and Joni Mitchell) put it best when they sang, "On and on we seem to go, but you don't know what you got 'til it's gone."

There is someone special in my life and for the past 2 weeks or so, I haven't been able to spend time with them the way that I want to. I feel partly to blame because I know they're hurting and I don't know if they know that I'm trying my best to right the situation. I don't want them to feel that I am negligent in any way, but that sometime life gets in the way of progress.

For those who know me best, you probably have already guessed that I'm talking about my car.

I drove her to San Jose this evening because she's supposed to get fixed. The part comes in on Thursday, so I'm crossing my fingers that she'll be ready by next week. I've already come to terms with the fact that this is all coming out of my pocket and I'm prolly never gonna find the fucker that did this to her.

I just want to have my car (and my freedom) back.