I haven't exactly been the best at updating this thang right here (but it's not like I have millions of adoring fans), but since I finally have some quiet time...I'd like to reflect on the past year's events.

I could just make some cheesy list like some people or try to find one word that encompasses the whole year (but I won't bite off Cheryll, she's much cooler and smarter than I am). But I won't. It'll prolly be more "deep thoughts"-ish...you know, like Jack Handey.

Or I could go on about how growth isn't necessarily measured by inches or years, but by the status of your life. Are you still living with Mom and Dad, or old college roommates? Are you still working your retail job that pays you about $7.50/ hr or have you found a career with full medical/dental benefits? Are you still trying to pay off college debt or putting a down on a brand new condo?

I could tell you what I did this year...worked full-time, moved into a house with Byron...what I longed for this year...financial independence, emotional stability, a baby...what I want for next year...a better paying job, unconditional support, a family.

Looks like it's gonna be an interesting year. Party safe everyone.

"I cannot stand still. I can't be this unsturdy. This cannot be happening..."

I feel like shit.

I feel like shit because I've been up since 5 this morning, braved a 1 1/2 commute to Fremont, then another 30 min to Dublin, 8 hours of bullshit from stupid ass parents, 2 hour commute back to Fremont, almost falling asleep on the way to San Jose, a boyfriend that asked the same question over and over because he wasn't listening the first, second or third time, the same boyfriend that doesn't think that laughing and pointing out a booger on my nose is in anyway mean or embarrassing and now I'm on the damn computer because I just can't go back to sleep.

"This is over my head, but underneath my feet 'cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat..."

I guess I should get used to this right? No acknowledgement like I've become some kind of permanent fixture...like I'm not supposed to take anything personally.

"And everything will be back to the way that it was...I wish that it was just that easy."
-Lifehouse, Somewhere In Between

you are deepskyblue #00BFFF

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I cannot wait until this week is over...and the funny thing is, I haven't even gone to work this week yet! HA! As you all may know, there are only 9 shopping days left until Christmas. I think that Byron and I have gotten about...oh...1/4 of it done and that was all last night! Man...we already knew that this Christmas was going to be tight being that we just moved out into our brand new house and are still trying to get used to all the bills (not to mention each other) as well as recover from that extravanganza we called a "housewarming." I know that B has been stressin' about money and bills and what-not and I'm trying not to be (too much of) a bitch. Work's got me stressin' and these 2 bounced checks...gosh that hasn't happened in YEARS...like COLLEGE YEARS.

It's funny how just when you think you have a handle on your money (whoa, that rhymed!), some other shit has to happen like a traffic ticket or unexpected payments (like house tax). One of my biggest fears when moving into this house was money. You know that money is the root of all evil and breaks up happy homes and marriages. I'm glad that we're getting through this together and hopefully it'll get easier as we get used to it...that's until we complicate it with a baby or something (haha). But for the most part, we're handling it and that's all that matters.

NOTE for NEXT YEAR: Parents, please don't wait til the last minute to take your pictures last minute and if you do, don't get mad 'cuz you have to wait. It's not Kiddie Kandids fault that y'all are LAZY PROCRASTINATORS.

The Holidays Suck.

The Holidays in Retail Suck Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Sucks Donkey Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Dealing with Children Sucks Big Donkey Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Dealing with Children and Their Retarded Parents SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY DICK.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS Y'ALL!

I feel like lately someone (or something) is trying to tell me something. My friend Lisa has a non-profit business that gives low-income mothers stuff like baby clothes that are donated by other people. She also spent most of her Thanksgiving at a food shelter with her family feeding the homeless. I called her a philanthropist and asked her where she gets the stregth to do all these good deeds.

She told me that God told her to do it.

So does that mean that God's trying to tell me something? If he is, speak clearer...I'm not sure that I understand.

It's weird how you could live with someone and never really get to spend "quality time" with them. I mean...you see them every freakin' day, they're the first person you see when you wake up and the last person you see when you fall asleep, yet there aren't many opportunities to just sit there and enjoy their company. It was like that when I lived at my parent's house and it's sorta like that now. Don't get me wrong...I love living at Mountain House and I love living with Byron (even though he REALLY knows how to PUSH MY BUTTONS) it's just that we get so caught up with our lives at work and truly forget to look around us and to enjoy the company of the ones you love. I thought that I learned so much about myself when I was away at school only to come back to the reality that I"M STILL LEARNING. There's so much more that I want to experience while knowing that I've experienced so much to this point in my life. Does that make sense? If it doesn't, forgive me...I worked 12 hours straight today.

I guess the point is...as adults we still grow. I don't think that I'll ever be the same person I was yesterday and tomorrow I won't be the same person I am today because I'm constantly wanting to know more about myself and about my life around me. How profound, huh? See what happens when you have about 30 minutes to yourself in the car alone speeding down the Altamont (sorry B, I know that scares you).

Hey! I'm going to Disneyland in T-minus 3 days! WOOHOO!

I was talking to a good friend of mine over IM today and I realized that I am now an adult. Not because I'm done with school...not because I'm working full time...not because I've moved out to live with my boyfriend...but because I was a part of a rather large event yesterday. There's so much planning involved and no matter how planned it is...it never goes the way you plan.

Not that I didn't think it was a huge success because it was. We were surrounded by loved ones and everyone was so great to each other and nothing broke...the walls were scratched up but that's pretty much it. It just made me think about the parties that happened when I was little, the hustle and bustle of the adults around me, talking to each other, the kids in one room playing together and I guess it just dawned on me...

I used to be one of those kids in the room and now I'm just an adult running around talking to everyone.

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you

You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a Black Celica.
You will marry Byron and have 5 kids.
You will be a District Manager in Santa Barbara.

-compliments of Play Mash

One day, I'll be able to handle everything that comes my way.

It's hard to be the stronger one when you feel weak yourself.

Stress is so unecessary, yet an essential part of life.

I'm worth more than they're paying me.

Byron said that we can have a baby next year.

I think that I want to get back into education again. Or at least some bastardized form of it.

We spent most of the day cleaning and organizing, but for some reason I was super sensitive to Byron's bossy, yet normal self. I felt bad, but I honestly don't know why today I just couldn't take his bossiness. But whatever, I know that it's not an ongoing thing...I'd like to think that I'm fairly understanding and pretty easy-going when it comes to suff like that. Just one of those days, I guess.

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

Hope the economy picks up by then...

Now I know...
It's meant to be.
It took awhile
But now I see...
Me for you,
You for me...

I LOVE YOU BYRON! MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!

Damn...I hate the way you know me...and Damn, you kill when you hold me like I'm your world, like this won't hurt, like a favorite cursing every nerve...Damn, I'm fightin' and I'm losin' it...Damn you, you're pullin' and a pushin'...I'm wrestlin with, I toss and twist...Baby, I give in...

Damn...

I'm beginning to think that I should actually have a life outside of my home...outside of just me & Byron because it could potentially ruin everything that I've worked so hard for. I dunno...I feel like a good portion of the time I'm trippin' over nothing and I honestly don't know why. I feel like I'm in HIGH SCHOOL because I have that same insecurity that I did back then and you would think that after 4 1/2 years of college and 2 in the real world would have snapped me out of it...but no...shit's still there.

It prolly stems from the fact that I've always felt so insignificant to EVERYONE especially my family, like nothing I'd do would really matter or just be overlooked in some way...but if I did something really terrible THEN it would turn some heads. I've been feeding off of negative attention for most of my life and lived by that "it feels so good to be so bad" mantra.

I hate this. I hate this about myself. I can't just let it go and move on. I have to take everything so personally and shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm a grown-ass woman and still able to throw little temper tantrums like a little bitch. I'm so disgusted with myself that it's not even funny.

SHIT. Maybe it'll look better tomorrow...

Compromise has got to be the most difficult verb in the English language. I'm telling you...it's not all flowers and sunshine no matter how much you love someone. I'm not saying that my relationship is in the dumps right now, but I swear to God I have the most terrible timing ever and unfortunately this is something I've been working on for the past 3 years. Ugh. Life is in no way perfect and I think that I got that yesterday. I remember when I was training for my old job, and I spoke to my supervisor about how I handle particular situations, like confrontation. To make a long story short, he likened me to a soda bottle capped very tightly. When confronted, the bottle is shaken and begins to build pressure. For the most part I can handle it, but it takes the slightest movement to just explode.

I wish there was a way I could stop the pressure from building. I try to talk about it, but as soon as I feel that whoever isn't listening, that bottle cap goes right back on and the pressure is back. I don't know where I got this mindset of neglect, like no one truly cares or is willing to bend over backwards for me. I try to tell myself it's not true, but sometimes you never know. I'd hate to think that I would be taken for granted and often wonder if anyone would truly miss me if I was gone. I know that in a universe so big (which I've actually learned over the past year that it actually is quite small, go figure) we all would like to feel significant, maybe not to every in their network of friends, but to someone that truly matters to them.

You always want to be important to the person that is most important to you.

.:LYRICAL GENIUS:.

10 things I hate about you
Number one, you've kept me on run
Number two, I never knew what to do
Number three, can't you see
You're making me go so crazy...

Why do you continue
To do what you do
I wish I never met you
I wish that it wasn't true

More to come...

.:LYRICAL GENIUS:.

I like how this thing gets updated like once a week. And the funny shit is, Blogger looks different everytime I try to post! Weird shit...

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since the first night we stayed at the Mountain House. I have to say that it is very interesting living with a significant other. I mean, I've had roommates and I know what it's like to live on your own, but this is so different. There's a lot of give and take...but most importantly, you get to see a side of that person that you've never seen before. I think that this is were most serious relationships fail. Some people are so set in their ways that they don't know how to bend. I know that my behavior at home is erratic (sorry hunny!), but at the same time, Byron has never lived with a girl (not even like a sister 'cuz mom don't count). I guess this post stems from an...uh...altercation that occured this morning.

Basically, I go to Union City on my day off in the week. So, I go to work with Byron in the morning and he picks me up when he gets off. This morning, Byron tries to leave at 6:30 am and woke me up at 6:12 am. That left me only enough time to wash my face and brush my teeth. Here's the conversation:

Byron: "Let's go."
Dawn: "I'm not ready you know."
Byron: "You have to put on make up still?"
Dawn: "Well, yeah!"
Byron: "I have to leave now! Just take it with you!"
Dawn: says nothing, just angrily puts stuff together

I was in a bad mood for the rest of the morning. I think I'm going to apologize for my behavior.

What kind of life are we leading, when we only know how to look towards the future? Today will mean yesterday, if we let it slip by us so quickly.

I don't know what made me think that, but I guess it's just me in anticipation of leaving work. My feet hurt and I'm tired. I'm hungry too, so guess who's looking forward to those leftovers I brought home from Mom's house yesterday.

RIP Mama Deling...9/9/91...I love you and miss you dearly.

This is the 4th night that Byron and I are living at Mountain House. I should re-cap what has happened over the past 4 days:

- The rails for our king size bed are too short. Instead of a Cal King, it's an Eastern King which is fine because now we have room at the foot of the bed for some kind of bench. Unfortunately, the mattress that was delivered was a Cal King. So, we've been hittin' it..er, sleeping...in one of the guest rooms, but that's only 'til the other mattress arrives.
- There are now 2 females trying to decorate this house.
- There is a gay ass strip of grass in the middle of the driveway. I'm proud to say that I ran over that and the front lawn. Tire marks commemerate the event.
- I discovered the biggest Safeway I've seen in my entire life. I could go crazy in there.
- It is difficult to shower with no blinds or curtains in your bathroom that looks right into your neighbor's bedroom.
- Byron scares easily ("what was that sound, babe?")
- My bamboo has grown 1/2 an inch and my money tree is starting to sprout more branches. My orchid still has flowers on it.
- Yesterday was the first time that I went out to eat at a restaurant with Byron's family. I also went to church with them that day and no, I did not burst into flames when I walked in.

But I think that the most important event was...Our (Byron and I) 1st year anniversary.