I think that I've gotten pretty good at admitting I'm wrong...especially since until recently, I believed I was right about EVERYTHING...but after my monthly spaz-attack, Byron brought up a pretty good point:

"Don't ask what I used to do with whoever because it doesn't matter and you're just going to end up like this (i.e. crying like a lil bitch)."

So true. My response? He's right

Which brings me to my point...what makes us more human than wanting to know how, why and what makes us better than anyone that came before us? Damn it...why the hell do I care? I really don't. He doesn't mention anything about his past unless I bring it up, jokingly or not, and he's obviously more focused on the present/future than I am. It's just insecurity on my part, but how do I work through this? This is stupid high school/college shit. Geez Dawn...you're damn near 25 years old...we're living together, getting married (summer 2005), having kids (I'll keep you posted)...I'm stupid. I'm acting immature. I need to get over myself and stop tormenting the love of my life.

I hate it when I'm wrong...but I'm glad that I have someone that isn't afraid to let me know.

17 days until my birthday.

Along with all my college folks...I, too, will become 25.

My insurance gets lower...I don't have to pay extra to rent a car...I'm still alive...life is good.

Still want kids, still want to get married, still not settled on a career path.

Happy Birthday to me.

When you live with someone, it's very easy to take them for granted (whether intentional or not). It is also very easy to turn off your ears, especially when they say stuff that you really don't want to hear. I, for one, have always had some trouble with this...I get so darn defensive about shit I don't want to hear...and it ends up with me not listening and stewing in my anger.

Lately, I've been feeling very alone. I don't really see my friends as often as I like. My co-workers are cool, but damn, I see them 8 hours a day, 5 days a week...anymore than that and I just may go crazy. It's like pulling teeth to get my family to come out and see me (actually, anyone I know for that matter). So, all I have is Byron and I can't be all up in his grill all the time...he needs his space too. I hang out with Byron's friends a lot, but we all know my issue with that. I have become an island...

I understand that after college, life gets in the way. When I do see my friends or Byron's friends, it's always good times. Byron is very good to me and is always there when I need him. It's mostly my family right now that I'm having a hard time dealing with. They make all these plans and don't let me know about it. I invite them over and they don't come, so it hurts.

Byron actually brought up a very good point last night to me and I have to say, it was the most intelligent analysis of my current situation I have ever heard from him. Usually it's just "I don't know" or "What do you think you should do?" Basically, my family is going through some trying times right now. At this point, there are 9 people living at that house. My bro-in-law isn't making as much money as he used to. My sister is stressed out about the kids and money. My mom is crazy. My dad is losing his job in 1 month. My brother can't find a job because of his DUI. Byron kinda laid this all out for me and said that from an outsider's perspective, they're all going through a lot right now and that I shouldn't take it so personally. They've got other shit to think about and it's up to me if I want to bitch and complain or help them through it.

It made me feel so much better...especially since I actually had my ears turned on.

Me: "Will you love me forever?"
Babe: "I'll love you forever."
Me: "Okay. I'll love you forever too."

I stumbled on my very first "real" boyfriend's xanga (my first kiss...aw) and I read that he's getting married pretty soon. Congrats to him...I know the girl that he's marrying has been with him for a LONG time. It's nice to know that there are relationships that stand the test of time, growth and maturity. It's beautiful.

Then it got me thinking that I've been in and out relationships for about...oh...almost 12 years now and I must say that I've become a bit of an expert on the subject, well, psuedo-expert. I've learned a lot about myself...what I would do for love and what I wouldn't do, stuff like that. People have there own biases about relationships and love. I bet if you look back, there was a time where you loved being single and times when you hated being single, times when you wondered why you stayed with someone for so long, times when you were with someone and secretly wished that you were with someone else, times when you were afraid to move on because you didn't want to be alone, times when you wished that you tried harder and wanted a second chance, and times when you wished that someone would just sweep you off your feet.

I know how to love. We all do. But what took almost 12 years to learn was how to be loved.

I saw my aunt (my mom's younger sister) yesterday because her and my grandma are going to the PI for the next 3 weeks. So, you know what that means...pasalubong galore! I really wish that my aunt lived closer...everytime I see her we always talk. Me, my sister, my mom and my aunt just sit around the table and talk...and we laugh so loud too! I totally see my sister and my relationship in my mom and my aunt. I know that eventually, my sister's gonna move away and to know that my mom and my aunt can still maintain such as close relationship helps me to feel a little more at ease about that. Shoot...that's what growing up is about right?

Which brings me to another subject...my mom's side of the family is coming to California for Christmas and I found out that they were going to LA the week after to go amusment parking hopping. BUT I CAN'T FUCKING GO :( I have to work. I wish they told me sooner...but that's what they do...tell me shit last minute and get upset that I can't go. Nothing I can do about it now...

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas...ha!

I'm anxiously waiting the arrival of someone that is incredibly important to me...I consider her a best friend...but it's more accurate to call her a little sister. And I get to see her two cutie daughters...I'm very excited!

I'm content with my life so far...my job is treating me well and so is my boyfriend...I really feel like a part of the Evangelista clan and I'm actually comfortable talking to them. The only thing is...what do I call his parents? Auntie and Uncle are not right, especially if the plan is to marry into the family...but is it too much to call them Mom and Dad? I guess I'll just stick to addressing them directly, you know, like waiting for them to actually look at me in order to have a conversation. That's how it has been...I know his brother's girlfriends refer to them as Auntie and Uncle...but I just don't feel comfortable saying that. Sigh...

I'm always waiting for something to happen. I'm going to let my life take it's natural course again...I'm such an impatient person...

Here they come a knockin' again...and I've already opened the door...

We were supposed to go to to San Jose for a first birthday party, but thanks to miscommunication those plans fell through. I was upset at first, but today actually turned out really well. I spent the entire day with Byron shopping at Target, Walmart and Albertson's...and the day has yet to end. We rented "50 First Dates" and are going to watch it later tonight...

Whoa...I'm boring now. Damn.

It's sad that I give a damn...but I do.
It's unfortunate that I would take the time out of my day...but I do.
It sucks that I can't control this...and I know I can.

Fuck man...it's all here...all for me and only me.