This blogging thing has become instant therapy for me because (a) I can vent all I want without interruption and (b) I can go back and read my entries and figure out shit on my own. On my own...I feel like that's where I am for the most part. I don't like to consider myself a loner, but sometimes I feel like no one understands me. I just want to be heard and spoiled like hell. I'm tired of being that person that always gives in, that person that feels awful if I do something that would even be considered remotely selfish, that person whose patience is endless for the most part but as soon as it wears people notice and aren't afraid to point it out.

I wish I knew why I was like this. I wish I didn't feel like crying every night. I wish that Byron would realize that I'm not always trying to start a fight and to stop taking things so damn personally. I'm not trying to piss you off, I'm doing something that I was never able to do before I met you...

...I finally trust someone enough to tell them how I truly feel. I don't want to tiptoe around any issue because avoiding a fight isn't going to make anything go away.

I don't fucking know. I have no clue how to fix this. What happens when someone runs out of patience for you? Is it because you're testing them? Like...how much do you truly love me? What the hell man...I should just stop.

Easier said than done.

Aw SHiEt...another frickin' survey...

Time started: 11:10 pm
· Name: Dawn Marie Soria
· Birthdate : September 15, 1979
· Hometown: Union City
· High School: James Logan
· Siblings: Sister Zen, Brother Jimbo...(Soon to be)In Laws Ralph and Ernesto Jr.
· Righty/Lefty: Right

· ~~~~~Your Looks~~~~~
· Hair Colour : black with brown highlights
· Eye Colour : brown
· Contacts/Glasses: Nope
· Any Piercings: 4 unused ear holes

· Any Rings: Haha...you'd think with 2 "soon to be in laws"...but no.
· What Shoes Do You Wear: Pumas, please. Some Steve Maddens too...thanks.

· ~~~~~Just Lately~~~~~
· How are you today: illin' on my day off
· What shirt are you wearing: CDT Sweatshirt
· What does your hair look like now? tied back after a rousing hour of DDR
· What song are you listening to right now: nothing
· you ate: toast and chocolate milk
What is the weather right now: rain...i think
· The last person you talked to on the phone: Byron...right before I picked him up from work

· ~~~~~More About You~~~~~
· What are the last four digits of your phone? 8575 or 6406
· If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink
· Have you ever almost died: no...thank you Jesus
· Best advice anyone's given to you: There's a difference between being able to do something and wanting to do something. Hence my current career dilemmas.
· What sport do you hate the most? hockey...I just don't understand it.

· How many phones do you have in your house: 4...6 including mine and Byron's cell phones.
· Do you have your own phone line: um...besides my cell phone...yes
· Place for a dream house: Hawaii...but I like the one that I'm in now
· Who would you tell your dreams to: Byron...xcept the ones I want to come true
Who is the loudest friend: Hmm...I think I'm the loudest friend
Who is the quietest friend: Liza

· ~~~~~You and Love~~~~~
· Do you believe in love: yes...didn't for a while though
· Do you believe in love at first sight? yes...my niece Taryn and my nephew Royce
· Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? yes
· Did you send this to your crush: uh...what?
· What song do you want played at your funeral: what the hell kind of question is this
· Lights on/off: On...gotta see the O-face
· Do you like snow, sun, or rain: um...in moderation
· Summer or winter: winter
· White or chocolate milk: Both
· Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Jell-O...there's always room for Jell-O
· Skiing or boarding: boarding
· Day or night: night
· Cake or pie: I have to choose one?
· Diamond or pearl: diamond
· Sunset or sunrise: Sunrise = Dawn

Time finished: 11:22 pm

Kiddie Kandids

Pros:
Work with children, Workplace different everyday, Great colleagues

Cons:
Pay, Hours, Stupid-ass customers

Seneca Center

Pros:
Work with children, Workplace different everyday, Great colleagues, Use of my BA

Cons:
Pay, Hours, Unwanted emotional stress

I need a career where I can work with children, the workplace is different everyday, have great colleagues and makes use of my BA.

Well...doesn't everybody?

Well...y'all need to fucking congratulate me because I started something today that I haven't done in 2 years.

Tae Bo, baby.

So what if I couldn't completely make it through the entire video. It just goes to show how not in shape I am. Well, I am a shape, but it's more of a round one.

In totally unrelated news, I found my Britney Spears CD. Good times.

Byron brought a bowl of popcorn up to me and said, "Here...I don't want to be selfish."

I'm starting to realize alot about myself that I thought I already had figured out. I'm knowing my limitations and what I will and won't do...I have a difficult time with just living day to day. I like to plan. I don't know why. I think that I get it from my mom. Actually, I think that I am becoming my mom.

I should just stop.

"...a dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep..."

I'm going to refrain from telling you what my dream was about last night, since most of me wants for it to come true. I've been super sensitive to Byron lately, just being outright irrational and what-not. I wish that sometimes I wasn't this way. I think because of my discontent with my life at this point, that I take it out on someone very close to me...someone who I love to no end...someone that understands me. And he just kinda sits there and takes it. I appreciate him so much for that, especially since this has been something that I've been looking for since I graduated college.

"...no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing...the dream that you wish will come true..."

I think that I may have figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I know that I love to work with kids. I know that I am a business savvy woman.

Let's attempt to put those 2 things together...Pre-school Director.

I feel that this would be a good time for me to go back to school because (a) it's been 2 years since I received my BA and (b) I'm WAAAAAY more focused than I was before. It might be age or the fact that I really just want to be happy with what I do. I realized at Seneca and Kiddie Kandids that I absolutely adore kids. I also realized that I love running a business. I think that my need to have a baby has a lot to do with the fact that I need kids in my life. Does that make sense?

Bottom line is that I just want to be happy and if I have to work from the ground up...so be it.

It's times like this when I'm happy that I stopped buying cigarettes. That's like $40 a month extra that I have. I'm gonna need it.

From Cheryll. Miss you too!

[ x ] Spell your first name backwards - nwad
[ x ] The story behind your lj/xanga/blogger username – Hawaiian Name
[ x ] Are you a lesbian – No. Strictly dick-ly
[ x ] Where do you live – In sin with the boyfriend...at Mountain House.
[ x ] Wallet – Kenneth Cole (discounted from Ross)
[ x ] Hairbrush – I have two.
[ x ] Toothbrush – That too.
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily – None...yet.
[ x ] Blanket – King sized, fought over nightly with another blanket hog.
[ x ] Coffee cup – Blue Cobalt.
[ x ] Sunglasses – I lost them. How sad.
[ x ] Underwear – Nope.
[ x ] Shoes – Comfortable ones since I'm on my feet all day.
[ x ] Handbag – Fake Gucci and Burberry
[ x ] Favorite top – I don't have a favorite so much as a top I where all the time...aka my Kiddie Kandids Shirts.
[ x ] Cologne/Perfume – Velocity by MK
[ x ] CD in stereo right now – One that Ben made so I can write songs to it.
[ x ] Tattoos – Butterfly on my back, low and to the left.
[ x ] Piercings – Um...four holes in my ears that I do not use.
[ x ] What you are wearing now – Again, Kiddie Kandids uniform.
[ x ] Hair – Long, Brown highlights, Rounded Layers (need haircut)
[ x ] Makeup – MK cuz I have so much of it.

WHO or WHAT (was/is/are)
[ x ] In my head – Who? Byron...What? Dreading work
[ x ] Wishing - I had a M-F, 9-5 job
[ x ] After this - Goin' back to work
[ x ] Talking to – No one...by myself :(
[ x ] Eating – WAS eating lunch
[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason – Can't think of anyone
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now – Byron...I won't see him 'til later tonight
[ x ] Is next to you – Conan O'Brien (on TV of course)
[ x ] Some of your favorite movies – Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Usual Suspects, Big Daddy, Deuce Bigalow...I could go on forever)
[ x ] Something you’re looking forward to in the upcoming month – My FAT-ASS BONUS
[ x ] The last thing you ate - Lunch
[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - Not having a baby
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die – Um...I want to be preserved like Ferdinand Marcos and displayed in my home.
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy – My thoughts....damn you thoughts!
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet what would it be? Daschund...the hot dog dog
[ x ] What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed up – Uh...24 hours baby...PCN 2k1
[ x ] Ever been to Belgium – can't say that I have
[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - Yeah...I have talent
[ x ] What are 5 cities you wouldn’t mind relocating to: Santa Barbara, San Diego, Honolulu, Miami, Manhattan
[ x ] What are some of your favorite pig out foods – Too many...but someone left pistachios at the house and we were eating that shit for days!
[ x ] What’s something that you wish people would understand - Their children and that life's fucking short
[ x ] What’s something you wish you could understand better - My desire to have a child
[ x ] Anyone you miss that you haven’t seen in a long time – Miah, Cheryll, Jenn, Heather, Tricia...so many to name...

I'm so excited.
And I just can't hide it.
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it.

Interview on Monday means new professional clothes. Can you say SHOPPING? Well, maybe not all out, prolly just a new blouse. And possibly a belt. Gonna stop talking about that because I don't want to jinx it...will let you know the status later.

I've decided that 2004 is the year for KIT. I have so many people that I just haven't talked to (or seen for that matter) in ages. I've already established a day of the week to talk with Miah and I plan to reach out to old skool Santa Barbarians in the near future. Oh, if we all blogged then we could really know what's goin' on. Oh well...

I've noticed that I'm not comfortable calling my boyfriend "babe" or "baby" or "love" or "honey." I was just never one for the terms of endearment, but the funny thing is I can hear myself saying it in my head to Byron, but his name comes out. Moded, huh? Maybe 2004 should be the year for that too...we shall see...

I'm so overwhelmed with everything. Do you ever feel like you have absolutely no control over anything that happens in your life? I think that at this point in my life, I'm just not happy. I'm not happy with certain aspects of my job (like pay and hours)and I'm not happy with the way I look (special thanks to holiday over-eating and my sedentary lifestyle)...Life for me is in the dumps right now. But not like "I'm so depressed...I'm needing to discover myself...I'm going to be so dramatic until this whole thing is over". I just need to get over myself and let the healing process begin.

Not happy with your job Dawn? Maybe you should find a new one. One new job application everyday. Something will happen.

Not happy with your looks/body Dawn? Eat better and exercise. You have that 3 day diet and look foward to those Tae-bo DVDs that you bought.

In the words of that famous shoe company's catch phrase: JUST DO IT.

Happy New Year everyone...I hope that you all have your resolutions all made up. As for me, I think that I will resolve to not make any resolutions and just take better care of myself both physically and emotionally.

And find my ass a better paying job while I'm at it.

I don't know about any of you out there...but I always thought that a college degree would open up this world of possibilities for me...like I'd be rolling in the dough right now...but it's just not that way. Don't get me wrong though...I do make enough money to support myself. Byron and I are not struggling (although Holidays did kick our ass, but we know better for next year), we're doing fine. We just want more work experience so we can get better paying jobs and make a baby (okay, maybe save up to get married first if we HAVE to do it in that order).

Anywho, I had a blast on NYE...my family was there and we all got drunk old skool style (3 people threw up...1 of them I had to take care of personally because we sleep in the same bed). I wonder what 2004 has in store...