I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. It was so unintentional and I want you to know that I would never hurt you like that on purpose. I've told you before that "I'm sorry" can only be said so many times before it loses its meaning...but I don't know what else to say. I love you so much and to know that something I did hurt you so much...well...it hurts too. I don't think you'll ever know how much I love you, how much I enjoy watching you move, how much I love talking to you, how much I savor every moment of you, how far I would go just to be with you...I'll spend the rest of my life showing you that you mean more to me than anything in the world. I never knew love like this before...I'm so happy that I do now.

I made a decision that altered my life forever. I decided to quit my job. I guess I just got tired of the spitting, the name-calling, the unwanted emotional stress. Do you know how hard it is to realize that you just can't help everyone? I don't want to help them this way. But I will miss my co-workers. If anything, that's what was keeping me there. It's time to be selfish and that time is now.

"These aren't laced are they? 'Cuz I don't wanna be lying on the floor later, making love to myself." -response from a man being offered a free lollipop at Mission Rock last night (1/4/03).

Clubbing @ Mission Rock + Food from Lucky Chances + friends you haven't hung out with in ages

...you do the math.

This is my favorite email that I've gotten and it totally describes the way I feel about stupid people...

"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ...oops ... never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side of the road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning....okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said,"Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

You are a work in progress.

You over-analyze and criticize everything that you do.Give yourself some credit.
You still have so much more to learn.
Remember that you have already learned alot.
You are afraid to take risks.
The ones that you did take ended up in your favor. *BPE*
You know that there are at least 5 people that love you so much that they are willing to die for you.
You are that same person to those 5 people.
You try not to make the same mistake twice.
Acknowledge that you are only human.

It will all work out.

It is the last day of 2002.

New Year's Eve is usually a day of reflection, a day to think about the things that you've done and the things that you will (or at least try to) do, but most of all it's a day to celebrate. I have much to celebrate for this year. I've accomplished so much and look forward to the coming year.

Dawn's Recap of 2002:
-Moved back to the Bay after 4 long (but incredibly memorable) years in Santa Barbara
-Found a job that consequently became a stepping stone for my career
-Started singing again!
-Got to go to VEGAS!
-Learned that "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"
-Fell in love with the man I'm going to marry...

I hope everyone has a safe and fun New Year's Eve!

An excerpt from my hand-written journal...

"My apologies for being so nosy. In all honesty, I don't really care about what you two went through, but unfortunately...I'm still inclined to find out."

I don't know why I do this. Why I take the time out to feed my curiousity...I think that it's still a faint remnant of what I used to be. I remember saying that the jealousy is a wasted emotion because nothing posititve ever comes of it. I have learned to let my jealous tendencies go and made a conscious effort to think rationally.

But the rationality of all this? Absolutely nothing. I must either be really obessive about something I had absolutely no control over or I'm just bored out of my mind.

I hope it's the second one.

Driving to and from work always gets me thinking and lost in my thoughts. Although, not too lost because I would have surely caused some sort of major accident. But I digress...lately, I've been reliving my middle school days. I guess it all started when I was driving down Alvarado Niles to my "other" job teaching colorguard. I started thinking about my eighth grade year...taking UC transit to visit my boyfriend at the other middle school, leaving my brother and cousin at Keystone to hang out with this boyfriend, riding in my mom's car to go to practice at Logan for "Marching On"...and I just remember a simpler time.

It's crazy to look back on just how much you've grown as a person. I've been through so much in these 23 years and strangely enough...that's what makes me who I am today.

Crazy? Yup. Ain't no doubt about that.

On a totally unrelated note...

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY TARYN! I love you baby girl!

indifference

I don't know why,
but there are so many things
I just don't know about you.
And the funny thing is...
I really don't care.

In all honesty,
it would take a lifetime...
Literally a lifetime...
to discover everything
and anything that I don't know already.

What is it going to change anyway?
Will it make it all so exciting?
Or so incredibly dull?
Why would I run that risk
especially since I hate gambling in the first place?

What tomorrow brings...
I'll just have to wait until then to find out.

What yesterday has left...
I'll just have to deal with it and move on.

And today...
I'll just be right here...
Next to you...
Just like it's supposed to be.

I've found that I have this facscination with people who, under any circumstance, would I never see on a daily basis. These people are movie stars, singers, famous chefs, etc. It's funny how we care way too much about people that really don't (and shouldn't) have any kind of effect on our lives. I wrote something about this in my personal journal (you know, the one that I hand write in, sometimes with poetry or with lists of shit I have to do), and it still amazes me how human nature leads us to be so...nosy.

Let me tell y'all a quick story...

Ex-factor
Once upon a time there was this girl that made the huge mistake of dating someone who had just broken up with his recent girlfriend. They talked, they dated and ended up being officially together. Things seemed to being going okay on the surface, but something was terribly wrong. The girl had a sneaking suspicion that something was going on, yet ignored her gut feeling and shrugged it off as insecurity. This insecurity had been the bane of her existence as well as the factor to her failed relationships. Until one day...the ex-factor materialized herself in the form of AIM, boasting about how the guy that she was seeing was still in love with her. The girl's heart sunk, hoping that this wasn't true, but once she confronted her "boyfriend" about it he didn't exactly deny it. For the next several months, the trust she already had a difficult time giving, faded away into nothingness and a questionable relationship opened her eyes to new opportunities.

I suppose I should thank this girl because if it wasn't for her...I wouldn't have seen him in different light and moved on to better things. However, that stupid bitch shouldn't have gotten in my business to begin with and I'm pretty hardheaded about that kind of stuff. It's amzing how people you hardly know can bring out the absolutely worst in you...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!

I'm thankful for such a wonderful loving family and great friends. I love Thanksgiving for one reason: stuffing. You just don't get to eat stuffing at any other time of year but this one. Yet, the only thing missing from this wonderful dinner? Stuffing. God damn it. All I really wanted was stuffing just for Thanksgiving, but my mom told me that since we weren't having a turkey that the stuffing just wasn't an option. My aunts, uncle, parents and brother were all here like they are supposed to be...but the stuffing just wasn't. I'm lucky that we had a Thanksgiving feast at my work with...stuffing...because if that shit didn't happen this would have been the WORST Thanksgivng ever. Seriously.

It's strange how this time of year brings out a certain side in me now. My first holiday season outside of school made me realize something. It's just not the same anymore. It's not necessarily a bad thing...just different. My mindset has changed dramatically. How do I know this? My brother was on the phone with one of our mutual friends talking about "who's house is cuts" to get drunk and high at. At this time for the past few years, I would jump at the chance...but now...I just wanna play it low-key, hang out at home, see my boyfriend. What a change.

That's what life's about, I guess.

I'm so glad (big, fat emphasis with neon lights on so) that I have a half day tomorrow that leads into this Thanksgiving break. One good thing about working in a school is that I get similar breaks to when I was in school. I suppose I'm just lucky compared to other college grads that enter the work force...I get two weeks off for winter, one week off in the spring and four weeks off in the summer. I never really considered myself "lucky" about this job at all until this moment of reflecting about the time that I get off.

I don't know about y'all...but tonight seems like a good night to just sit and do nothing.

And that's the plan :)

Ah...the burning question:

"Why would an indian chief hang out with a gay cowboy?"

I suppose I should preface this question by saying this I heard it on VH1 about the Village People. After my brother and I stopped laughing hysterically, I really thought about it. Why would an indian chief hang out with a gay cowboy? It made me think about other questions that one would ask when shit just didn't make any kind of sense. Of course, as I say this no question really comes to mind...which shows that I really shouldn't say anything without the proper shit to back it up. Oh well...

Something that most people don't know about me is that I write poetry. Yes, I write poetry...and songs. I write songs. In fact, I've written and recorded my own song. Believe it! I mean...it wasn't done in a "real" studio...unless singing in my sister's upstairs bathroom while my niece is asleep counts as a real studio...but I do have this on CD. It's weird when a friend that you haven't seen in ages (and when I say ages I mean I haven't seen her since 2 years after we graduated high school...and mind you, I graduated in 1997) says, "Hey, I heard your song and it's HELLA good!" Maybe it is...but I'll never admit that. I think that a problem I have with myself is that I just don't give myself enough credit.

I don't know exactly when that started...the habit of totally criticizing and nitpicking every single thing that I accomplish...but I know that it has plagued me for almost 20 years now. I'm in a constant search to better myself; to be this perfect person that everyone can depend on, the person that will bend over backwards to make sure that your needs are met before hers, the person that can't seem to understand that she needs to take care of herself in order to take care of others, etc. It's funny how I use the word "accomplish," like I know that I completed some thing postive and manage to find the negative in it. For example:

Situation: Dawn has graduated from college.

Normal response: "Congratulations! You must be so proud of yourself and all of your hard work!"
Abnormal response (aka Dawn's repsonse): "God damn it took you long enough...2.8? You could have done better than that! You need to find your ass a job now!"

Bad habits are hard to break...but I'm trying. I swear I am!

Big plans tonight.

I'm supposed to go to this "Ladies Night Out" for one of Byron's good friends who is getting married.

Anxious? Somewhat. These people have been in my life for about 2 months now. I guess I should feel good that I was invited and it's not like I'm not...but you know...I still have a right to feel a bit uncomfortable.

Excited? Not really. I have to wear all black and I'm having a HUGE issue with this. I hate wearing black bottoms...but the dress code calls for this. I had to go out and buy some black pants today!

Tired? Damn skippy. I feel like I've been running on empty for the past two weeks!

Wish me luck...full report tomorrow.

I have all this anxiety about EVERYTHING it seems like...more often than not. I know what I need to do...but the question that always lingers in my head is if I can do it. What if it all doesn't turn out the way I'd like it to? What if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life? If I can't handle this, what makes me think that I can handle anything? It's been six months since my "life" started. I'm going through so much turmoil right now...I am literally going crazy. I have no idea what's behind door #1 or #2 or #3 for that matter.

Damn, damn, damn.

Why can't I go back to when life was so much easier...when all I had to worry about was school. I'm mentally tired. I cry for no reason. I feel like a big failure when up until now I thought I was the biggest winner. This job is probably one of the most challenging jobs out there. But this is growing up right? This is what I've come to expect. Am I weak though? Do I give up that easily? Do I go with the gut feeling or with all the pressure that I've been feeling for as long as I can remember?

I need to know all the answers to these questions no one can really answer. Damn you real world. I'm not ready.

These are my choices:
A.) Grin and bear it...eventually grow resentful of everyone especially myself.
B.) Quit and hear it from my parents.
C.) Find some kind of alternative that would make myself and my parents happy.

The only problem with choice C is...I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!

I got a really good email today from one of my sorority sisters. It's excerpts from the Book "Quarter-Life Crisis"

"They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!"

I like to reminisce about my past experiences, especially college. Who knew at the time I would be so nostalgic, trying to reclaim my "youth" that I never really thought I'd ever lose. I enjoy having such chats with certain people (like Byron) and it makes me feel like what I'm experiencing and what I'm going through is not out of the ordinary. I have so many memories to share. Just thinking about this makes me think of an email that I got from one of my close girlfriends. It said "every woman should have...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age." I think that my college expereince is good enough. I'm content with everything at this point in my life. I am happy to be me...except I could use a better paying job.

Man. I really...REALLY need a new job.

Arrgh! I'm sick!

But I did get to have lunch with my baby...and picked up in my brother in San Jose. And yes, I'm going back there anyways within the next hour or so. It must sound like I really like driving. I was able to briefly chat with my good friend James...who, by the way, I've known forever through my cousins. He only recently re-entered my life by some weird twist of fate (and a search through the member directory of AOL). It's always nice talking to good friends:

D8082510 [5:08 PM]:Hey u
KaunaMaile [5:08 PM]: how ya been?
D8082510 [5:09 PM]: this takes me awhile because im on my palm pilot
KaunaMaile [5:09 PM]: dope!
D8082510 [5:10 PM]: Im good though and u
KaunaMaile [5:10 PM]: sick...but other than that...never been better
D8082510 [5:11 PM]: How is everyhing with the kids r u still sane
KaunaMaile [5:11 PM]: yup...haven't tried to kill myself yet

I'm feeling better...thanks to that Tylenol Cold I bought for myself earlier. But can I just say that waiting for it to kick in while in traffic sucks more than a hooker on a hot summer night in Vegas.

I want to blame someone for me being sick. When I figure out who it is, they may die.

Kids say the darndest things...

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I support the little kids group. What this means is that at my job, the kids have group therapy twice a week and I support the therapist for the little kids. My duty is to help with the behavior modification, but sometimes I get the really funny quotes from here.

"I'm gonna dress up kinda like a homeboy or gangster with a scary mask."

"I can't breathe...I broke my leg!"

"Dude, you've got like the biggest nostrils. I bet you could smell a fart in Afganistan."

(to a black man) "You just wanna see a white boy suffer, don't you?"

This is what's fun about my job :) hehehe...