Dear God,
Please help me to understand this baby lust that I'm having.
I will be waiting for an answer.
Love, Dawn

This is going to be incredibly personal, but I need some type of release. I want a baby. I've been feeling like this for a long time now. I don't know where it came from or how I'm supposed to resolve this, but the feeling has been growing progressively. I got the phrase "baby lust" from a book of short stories called Her Wild American Self. The story was about a woman, who was pregnant at an inopportune time in her life, miscarried and suddenly developed this "baby lust." She wanted to be pregnant again. I use this phrase, not because I was and now am not pregnant, but becauseI want to have a baby. I want to have a baby.

But you know what? I still live at home...I have no job...all the circumstances in my life say that I'm not ready.

Still...
I want to have a baby.

I spent the night in San Jose last night. I haven't done that in a while because a lot of the time I would bounce at like 11 or 12 just so Byron could get a good night's rest. But after what my mom told me as I came through the door at 10 this morning, I might just think twice about leaving any later than that. Apparently, one of her co-workers died in a head-on collision while driving home from work early Wednesday morning. Scary. You know what else sucks too? He husband found her. It just freaks me out how quickly life can pass like that. I would write something more profound to add to that, but shit, the bottom line is that life's fucking short and unfortunately we can't do anything about it.

Live it up, y'all.

Ahem...
I would like to take the time out to present some haikus by a very good friend of mine, who right now shall be nameless...but he said that later he wanted to be linked off my site as if a lot of people frequent my site, except Miah, Byron and Cheryll (and welcome to my insanity Cheryll...it's good to have you here). I found them absolutely hilarious, but I have this feeling that some other people might not. Just goes to show you how twisted my humor is in the right company.

the longanisa
glistening with oil and fat
on your breath all day

combos and cheez-its
raisins as ants on a log
some sorry ass hor doerves

chick won't stop eating
i think she's gonna explode
small children, beware

top ramen with cheese
rabbit cutting its own hair
that shit is CRAZY!

it's toonces the cat
driving off a cliff again
stupid cat can't drive

OH! OH! I WANNA TRY! I WANNA TRY!

i always wondered
what Justin looks like naked
will find out in june

That was fun!

Thought for the day:

It's a small world after all.

How fucking scary is that?

This is an email I wrote Byron a couple weeks back. I feel terrible everytime I do this to him, but I'm so grateful that he's strong enough to let me do it.

"I could go into everything that I'm feeling...but I won't. A problem I have is that I have a difficult time telling people what I want especially those closest to me. Instead it stays bottled up and the pressure builds to a point that I just can't take anymore...and I explode. I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier...and for any other time I took the irrational route by letting my emotions get the best of me. I'm writing you this email because its the next best thing to talking to you...and this way I know you won't interrupt me (that was a low blow...I know...I sorry). At the risk of sounding incredibly selfish, I want to tell you that there are days when I just want you to focus on me...just me...not anything else. You and I in an empty room...well, maybe a bed could be there, but that's it...I could just sit there and stare at you. Like I do when your sleeping and I just can't. I just can't because I want to cherish every single moment I have with you. I can't risk feeling like I took you for granted. I'll tell you I love you everyday just because I want you to hear me say it every day and it will never lose it's meaning. I'll do all these things because I want to...not to make you feel good about yourself...but to make me feel good because I need you. I've suddenly become incredibly dependent on talking to you everyday and seeing you almost everyday. It's like an addiction. You know how sometimes you feel so strongly about someone that it spawns insecurity...I'm not insecure about you leaving me for anyone."

Yeah. He's a keeper.

I can't believe how much more I can learn in one hour. I had no idea that my grandmother holds a master's degree in education. I learned my mother and grandmother's view on being bilingual.

GM: A child only should learn one language at a time.
M: But you'll be surprised how much a child can learn. They can learn both languages at once.
GM: In America, they can't be speaking in their native tongue. You need to speak English to be successful.
M: Now it's okay to speak two languages.

At that point, I was silent. I could easily argue for both sides. I was a product of this struggle. I wish I knew how to speak Ilocano or Tagalog. My Filipino-ness was questioned by a complete stranger because of this. You always want to place the blame on someone, but sometimes the only thing to blame is good intentions.

At least I know this now.

"How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb.
Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.

Now that I know what I'm without...you can't leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real...bring me to life."

I still love you BYRON!

Phillip's the bestest friend a girl could ever have!

What can I say? You're right. I run away. I don't know why I do this. Actually, I do. I have a hard time dealing with shit. I choose to leave and hope that it clears itself up. I can't keep running away like this. I test you. I'm not going to lie. I want to be chased after. I want to know that you'll work as hard at this relationship as I will. I have been hurt too many times...and I can't keep comparing you to them. I refuse to. You are in a class by yourself. I remember when we first started dating, I hoped that you were the one. Six months later...I know you are the one. I have entirely too much time on my hands. I'M SORRY.

Heard some good news today. One of my friends from way back when (meaning I've known him since the first grade) is getting married at the end of March. I'm really happy for him especially because...well...he's blind. Well, not completely blind...but it's not like he can drive a car or anything.

I admit, I was shocked...
...and part of me felt bad for being shocked.

Why wouldn't he fall in love and get married? It's times like those where you just don't realize how shallow you can be. Then I got to thinking about myself...when I was in high school, 23 seemed like a good age to get married and "start" my life. And here I am...jobless and not getting married anytime soon, although it happening within the next two years is a definite possibility :) But I'll say this like I do all the time...LIFE DOESN'T GO HOW YOU PLAN.

Congrats Adam...I'm truly happy for you!

I don't really like Dream, but the chorus part sums up the way that I'm feeling right now.

"You better see, we're different as can be. She and I are not alike, so don't compare her to me."

I can understand being traumatized by the past because there is not one person in this world that is apprehensive about something because of what happened before. Hell, I went through the same shit yesterday. But you know what's different about this one? It was resolved. And not just in an "I'm sorry babe, I'll never do that again" way, but in a "we are going to talk about this because we're both adults and hell naw I ain't gonna turn the other cheek like I always do" kind of way. I guess we're stronger than this. Wow, I actually got to say how I felt about everything. I actually didn't bottle it up like I usually do. Finally...PROGRESS.

Off subject: Why the fuck did Ja-rule and Ashanti use "Grease" as a theme for their new video? Could somebody please explain to me, like I'm fucking two years old, why would we do such a horrible thing? WHY GOD WHY?

Quote of the Day:

"Everything I needed to know I learned in pimp school."

-from my friend Phillip's T-shirt

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Honestly...we should be celebrating love everyday, but Hallmark deemed it necessary to create a day where couples could fall in love all over again and for the single people to be contemptuous and resentful.

Have a good one everyone.

Strolling down memory lane...with the visuals of my last 2 years in PCN glowing on my TV screen. I'm nostalgic yes, but I snap myself back to reality as soon as the tape runs out and my VCR shuts itself off. Hey Conan, I didn't know they replay your show again this late...oh wait, yeah I did...what else would keep me company at 3:30 in the morning as I busily type a 6-10 page paper for my sociology or asian american studies class that is due at 8 AM. Procrastination...I know you too well. Escape...escape...life has made a sharp turn into uncharted territory so the first thing you do is try to relive the past. Silly girl...don't you know that you left that life behind? I know its hard...and you want to remind yourself of what was and not of what is. Heck, I bet you want to hop in your car and buy a pack of cigarettes right now. That'll take you back. Back to Apt 30, back to the Arbor, back to the days of certainty and to the faces you remember. Where are you now? Good question. You are in the present. Remember your first two years? You couldn't stand it...how did that same place that you loathed become something you loved? This too will become familiar territory...you will remember the faces and the places. It will change. I promise.

Life is constantly changing, one moment can either prove more difficult than another or not. I have no job, I have much time on my hands. My sister is at high-risk for going into pre-term labor, meaning my nephew will be 4 months premature. It was hard to see my sister feel all those emotions. I could totally read her...like a book. Like I would be thinking the exact same thing if I was in her position. It's hard to put things in perspective especially since I don't know what she's going through. She can't get up out of her bed only to use the bathroom and to take a shower, so that means she can't work or take care of Taryn by herself. I guess it was a blessing in disguise that I quit my job. I'm totally willing to help my sister out. Although part of me can't help but feel a bit resentful. Some habits just don't die. But the bottom line is, I can't turn away from family...I hope we get through this.

I've been running for 20 minutes everyday for the past 4 days. I'm pretty proud of myself considering that I haven't really worked out like this since I was single. It's weird how my motivation to do things now has changed. Not that my actions have always been selfish and self-fulfilling, but I just realize that there are other people that I now share my life with. I don't know if this all makes sense, but I was thinking this when I was talking to my mom about my life. We talked about my current situation (I am jobless and have a boyfriend). Byron comes up in a lot of my conversations with both my mom and my sister. My mom asked me if Byron wanted to get married. I told her yes. She asked me if he wanted to marry me. I again said yes. My mom looked thoughtful for a minute and then told me that I before anything happens, I need to find a job and be stable. I don't know what to make of that. I guess I'll find out later.

I feel bad because lately I've been having a hard time telling the person that I love the most what I want. I feel bad because lately I've been so edgy and all I do is take it out on that same person. I feel bad because I can't seem to control my emotions anymore and that I have to start all over again learning who the fuck I am. Who am I? I just want to be assured that these mental breakdowns are allowed. I want to know that what I'm feeling is completely normal and that I am going to get through this. My horoscope told me that I should be looking into a new career and "don't settle for less than you deserve. See what you can find, and move toward a more fulfilling future." I guess Astrocenter.com wasn't aware of our current economic situation. *sighs* It's been 4 days since my last cigarette...and I haven't tried to kill anyone yet. Good times.

(THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE NO JOB AND ALL YOU DO ALL DAY IS THINK)
rational thinking makes me tired
it's so much easier to be irrational
i wish someone would listen to the stupid shit i have to say
no matter how dumb it sounds, just listen, and not judge
give thoughts, but not necessarily advise
i'd like to show weakness sometimes
i want to be human
i'm scared that people will give up on me
that i'm too much for them to handle
are you strong enough to stand by me?
i have this habit of keeping it in
wanting to cry over little things
the desire to scream and kick
and throw things across the room
i'm passionate about alot of things
i live from extreme to extreme
in a world of gray, i can only see black and white
does this make me blind?
oblivious to the obvious?
how do i become an optimist?
i've slowly become insane
i forgot what it was to be normal
everything is so much easier said than done
i can't keep pulling this weight if i expect to go further
i need someone to help me carry the burden or let it go all together
what's the deal with me?
i've hit rock bottom again
i'm never where i want to be
have i become what i fear?
insatiable...never satisfied
this world i've created...does anyone want to join me?
(I have too much time on my hands)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 26th BYRON!!!

Goddamn, you're old! Just kidding love! The first of many together...I know things have been stressful at work, but have a great day anyway! Hmm...I may make an appearance at your house later if you're up to it!
*wink, wink*
I love you so much!

"i'll be the embrace that keeps you warm, for you're the sun that breaks the storm." -Vanessa Carlton, Pretty Baby

The best things that happen in life are the ones that you don't expect. I have an incredibly long list of events in my life that I never would expect to happen. I didn't know that going to Santa Barbara for school would be the best experience of my life. I didn't know that joining a sorority would introduce me to the "girlfriends" that I never had since most of my really good friends are guys (but I don't consider Miah a guy or girl friend...more like a "diva-friend" hehe). Most importantly, I believe that the people closest to you, should be the people that anchor you. In my quest to become more rational, I've come to the conclusion that we are not rational people. We have our emotions and our biases that cloud our vision and we expect the people closest to us to bring us back down. I've never thought of it this way and I've been trying so hard to figure out everything on my own instead of allowing myself to ask for help. I'm thankful for each and everyone of you that has brought me back down...especially the ones that aren't afraid to "tell it like it is." Without you guys, I wouldn't know that it's okay to make mistakes...as long as you learn from them.

Miah: I want you to know that of all the things that I can remember and cherish about SB...you're the person that I miss the most. I hope that I can see you again REALLY soon because I'm just not a fag hag without my number one fag. *smiles* I'm glad to know that you're reading up on my shit. I love you!

My life has undergone some major changes lately. This weekend, I actually realized what those changes were. Some people may call it an epiphany...but I call it a slap in the face. Actually...make that a bitch slap in the face because no amount of warning or learning from others could have braced me for what was to come.

Picture this: a weekend trip to sunny Santa Barbara where you spent the last 5 years of your life making memories with the love of your life (and the dude you're gonna marry). Two worlds met this weekend...the past and the present. I guess I expected the same passion and emotion that I felt for this wonderful place to somehow be carried over to Byron because SB was home to me...for a long time. I did a lot of growing there, so of course I wanted to share this with him. I want to call his reaction indifference, but in reality it was just a trip. Like how I would feel going to Tahoe or Hawaii. No special meaning, just a get-away...a change of pace. I wanted him to feel as deeply for this place as I did, but when he didn't...it hurt.

After much soul-searching (within about 30 minutes time lying in bed), I came to terms with the fact that MY LIFE HAS CHANGED. I'm not the same woman I was a year ago. I'm not Dawn the Chi Delt...Dawn the girl you'd ditch class with to go shopping downtown with or have a cigarette with at the Arbor...Dawn the PCN Urban Queen...Dawn the friend that's always down to party...I'm just Dawn.

It was hard...but no one ever told me it was going to be easy.