I gotta lose some weight...even Byron's parents said something today :(

I went to church on Good Friday and Easter Sunday only to realize that I really should start going again. I think that I'm at a place in my life where I'm ready for my faith again. I just need the right kind of parish/church and I think that we found it today. When I was little, I did the whole "Raise a Catholic Child" thing - baptism, confession, communion, youth ministry, confirmation - which led to me never going through college (not even on the major Christian holidays). I knew too much about Catholicism and the real world. I just didn't fit in anymore. I think that the best way to sum it up was a line from Dogma: "Faith is like a glass. When you're small, the glass is small and it doesn't take much to fill it. As you get older, the glass gets bigger and it takes a bit more to fill." I'm not saying that I completely agree with all aspects of Catholicism, but if it taught me anything important, it was how to have faith.

I've always been envious of those whose faith is so strong and unfettered. I longed for that, but didn't know how to get there. Looking back on it all, it was just a matter of time. And the time is now.

I need this all to some how end up the way that I want it to.

Dawn Marie Ramirez Soria

The first name of Dawn leads you to assume considerable responsibility and to prefer to work independently, without direction or interference from others because you have very definite ideas of your own. Your mind is quick to comprehend and you can be depended upon to do any job well. Because you tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist, you might insist on doing too many things yourself instead of delegating jobs to others who might do less satisfactory work. This name does make you quite direct and straight-to-the-point.

Your name of Marie has created a practical, responsible, stable nature, and you desire to direct the efforts of others rather than to take order or ask permission. You have a determined, self-reliant, capable nature and resent any interference, although in your desire to help you are inclined to become involved in the lives and decisions of other people. You like to make your own decisions and to be the master of your domain. You feel a limitation in your own expression when it is necessary to reach another through tact and understanding.

Your name of Ramirez makes you very idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others. You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry. Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines. You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones.

Your name of Soria has created a deep, sensitive, refined nature with an intelligent mind. As you are particularly clever along business lines, and have mathematical ability and a keen appreciation of material values, you are inclined towards the business world. You would do well in a managerial position, as you have executive ability and a poised manner able to take charge and see that procedures are followed. You appreciate the finer things of life and look for quality in your material possessions. Your sensitivity and rather reserved manner make it very difficult for people really to know you.

Cool man. What does your name mean?

I'm full from lunch with Mr. Rentar and all I wanna do is sleep. Man, only 2 more hours then I get to go home...woohoo! I'm still waiting to hear back from UOP and I have an interview with US Bank on Tuesday. Yay. I get to drive up to Sac.

I was kinda surprised that Ron wanted to have lunch today, but then again I'm not. After all, I am his youngest daughter's ninang. Geez, kids grow up so fast. I look at Taryn and I still remember the day she was born. She was so tiny. She's still pretty petite, but that girl can talk your ear off if you let her. It's funny how time flies...

I wish that I could turn back the hands of time
And just erase the memory of you out of my mind

I think that my efforts to find a new job have been pretty much governed by one thing. No, it's not because I think my job sucks now or that I want a new career (well, maybe that's part of the reason). I've been actively searching for new work because I want to have a baby. Even though it has already been discussed that Byron's real reason for not being ready is mental and not financial, I still think that a better paying job equals having a baby.

I think that it's because that would be easier to fix. But what fixes someone that's not mentally ready?

Answer: TIME. Damn.

I don't like my body. I just don't feel motivated to do anything about it. SO who even knows if I'm going to do anything about it. I'm so tired when I get home...all I want to do is sleep.

I just finished writing a thank-you letter for that interview I had on Friday. She said that she didn't have an immediate opening, but she knew that she would need someone soon (I guess they're letting someone go or reconfiguring the department). She said that there is going to be at least 1 more interview and that she would be in contact with me by Wednesday.

Woo hoo. I get to close tonight. I hate closing. I hate retail. I don't mind talking to people and being nice and friendly to them, but I do mind being treated like shit and still have a smile on my face. Damn, I miss colleagues.

My allergies suck a big fat one...and I could only take one Benadryl because I need to stay up at work. Geez, I can't win today...although I did do pretty well at my interview this morning. It didn't suck royally like the other one did. I vibed really well with the hiring manager and smiled the whole time. And I was there for 2 frickin' hours. Now that's gotta be a good sign. She basically made it sound like she would have hired me on the spot if it was up to her, but she had to talk to her boss...so things are finally looking up. I think I may have another interview, so wish me the best and cross your fingers (all 7 of you, ha!)

Why is sex such a touchy subject for people? I mean...you do it or you don't...and I don't think there's such a thing as a "bad" lover...maybe an untrained/uneducated one (and I've had many, believe me)...so not all hope is lost. All you have to do is ask "what do you want?" and actually do it. A big part of a sexual relationship is actually getting off on the fact that your significant other is getting off. Like your girlfriend is screaming and moaning and your like "Dude, I'm making her do that!" Take pleasure in giving pleasure and trust me...your sex life will improve dramatically.

And that's the public service announcement for today.

I broke a plastic fork trying to eat my calzone...and it cut my finger. Son of a bitch.

Nobody should care about what I think or what I say...and if you do, I don't think that it's in your best interest to give me all of that power. I don't let anyone measure my worth, so why would anyone let me measure theirs? It just doesn't make any sense.

I'm gonna talk out of my ass like I always do with no apologies or regrets. I don't care about your life...so why care about mine?

Leave it alone...please. I'm too old for this shit.

I want the new (well, newer than Room for Squares) John Mayer CD! Why is he so tight? Why is he such a good singer/writer/musician? Why can't more guys be like him and Jason Mraz? Why?

Right now...
feelin' tired...wishin' that it was Tuesday...glad that I'm alive...excited about Friday...loved by many especially Byron...stuffed with McDonald's...watchin' the Simpsons...keepin' it real...

Exactly how I feel right now...

"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return."

-John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

Ugh...she didn't even come through yesterday (my boss that is), but she's coming today so I'll be seeing her in about and hour or so. If she's coming with the news that she's leaving, then I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll do. I feel like I always come to these crossroads and at the same time in the year too. I don't know if it's something about Spring and starting shit anew.

I got an unexpected call today...and now I have an in-person interview on Friday morning. I'm looking forward to it...but I'm not going to get my hopes up. Which leads me to my dilemma...if my boss comes in and says she's staying, it'll be all good...I could interview without the extra mental baggage. But what happens if she is leaving and they want to promote me? Do I really want to keep a job that impedes on my days off like it does now? Too much thinking makes me anxious...I'll just take it a day at a time.

Although...if I do *crosses fingers* get the job i interview for on Friday, babe & I would be at rival schools...now that's some funny shit.

I was creating a deadline calendar for my fellow managers (partly because I'm an over-achiever) and I usually add my boss' schedule on there so it's all on one calendar. She had sent out this month's and next month's and I was thinking Damn, she made a schedule for next month so I guess she's staying. I was really bummed out...but whatever I got over it. I didn't notice this before, but when I was looking at her next month's schedule and her name wasn't in the corner (and it usually is) and the notes section said "Subject to Change."

Hmm... I thought. Does that mean she's still may be going to Utah? She's supposed to come in today with my review...hopefully she comes in with different news too...

LOVE ME because I'm a selfless and caring person.
HATE ME because I'm highly-opinionated and will tell it like it is.
RESPECT ME because I'm intelligent and full of potential.
DISS ME because I'm better than you and you just can't handle it.

I lent Nelson some money today. It was strange that he asked and knowing the type of person he is, it must have swallowed alot of his pride to do it. But I know that if I was in the same situation, he would do it for me.

It's good to be friends with your ex.

"It's like being with your best friend everyday...and she let's you touch her boobs too!"
-Homer Simpson on being married

I don't know how I'm going to get through these next 2 weeks...ARGH! I saw an old associate from the Union City store when I was an MIT there for like 3 weeks (damn, that was like a year ago) and she asked me how long I was going to work here. I just looked at her and said, "I got a house payment...I just can't be up and leaving a job like that." As irritated and stressed out this job makes me, I know in my heart that it's going to lead to something good. I've always trusted my gut feeling and it's never led me astray...someone somewhere is gonna hook it up...so I'll just wait. You know that saying Good things come to those who wait is so fucking true that it's scary.

Byron and I went to the new model houses that opened up at Mountain House. There was one that we liked in particular and he said something to me that kinda took me by surprise.

(subject change) Okay, parents...I don't know why you people think that it's perfectly OKAY to touch my fucking props and come into my studio how ever the hell you please. The props are not toys and you are sending the message to your kids that it's OKAY to touch other people's things WITHOUT permission. Tak a goddamn parenting class. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK!(end subject change)

I'm too pissed off to continue...sorry y'all.

God damn...3 shits at work? Ha ha...I know that's TMI, but whatever. This is my blog dammit and I'll put whatever the hell I want. Been workin' like a mad woman and doing something that I never thought I'd do...work more than 40 hours a week! It's not like I'm hourly or anything, so after the 40 hours I'm basically working for free. Damn you salaried pay! *shakes fist*

I've been less edgy this week, which is a good thing (especially for Byron). Stressing out about shit I can't control has been the theme for the past couple months and now that I've figured out that it's just wasted energy, I've pretty much stopped. As much as I'd love to be promoted within the next 3 weeks, I can't hold my breath and I know my time will come. I've reached this sort of eerie calm lately, partly because I'm finally getting my store back to the way it was and I really don't mind the late hours because there is light at the end of the tunnel and I see it. I didn't see it before, but now I do and that's more than enough motivation to do well.

As for Byron and I...we'll be fine. We always seem to come out on top and the bottom line is that we come home to each other. I'm sorry for all the stupid fights that we've been having, but I guess that we've just hit that comfortable point in our relationship. We're just in dire need of a vacation...and June can't come soon enough.

Did You Know...

If I was living in SANDY, UT and making $40,000 per year...that would equal $63,136 in TRACY, CA. Can you believe that?

October 26, 2003...Dawn wrote:

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

There's a good chance of promotion happening very soon (within the next month or so) and I'm crossing my fingers that it's actually going to happen. As you can see my anniversary date of March 17 is quickly approaching...I'm not a regular church-goer (although I should be), but I'll be praying every night.

I hope that my boss doesn't change her mind.

I have much respect for people who don't take shit from anyone, have much to say even if it can be very unpopular and controversial, who take responsibility for their actions and that on top of all of that still have a sense of humor about it all.

Someone like me, I guess :)

My judgment is this...we're very similar people. Scary, huh?

I just have one more thing to add to my previous post. It has come to my attention, that some people just have a hard ass time letting shit go. I, for one have been guilty as charged, BUT guess what...I got over it. Did he beat you? Did he try to get you pregnant every chance he got just so you wouldn't leave? Did he try to kill himself in front of you, not once, but twice? Did he push you out of his car numerous times? Did he publicly embarrass you by pushing you into lockers and sucker punching the guy he thought you were cheating on him with? Did he cheat on you? Shit, this was my very first serious relationship...

Everyone's entitled to their own experiences...hell, I shouldn't be judging anyone...yet there are still more important things in this world. This is the first time I've ever talked about this particular guy.

And this will be the last. Let it go.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Your future occupation by meteoric
Your name
Your future occupation	Manager
Yearly income	$293,040
Hours per week you work	49
Education	College graduate
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

DAMMIT!

You're not going to be there forever. You're better than that. You have so much potential that it actually scares people. It will happen for you. It will happen.

Sometimes you need those daily affirmations...you know?

I want to talk about my relationship with Byron. I'm sitting at my parents house on my day off, listening to Taryn watch Teletubbies and I would like to talk about our relationship. At the age of 24, I feel that emotionally I've come full-circle...I'm definitely more patient and rational than I used to be, have a higher tolerance for certain behaviors, and have come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON. I understand that love is relative...it's not only this strong emotion that connects you to another person, but lifestyle as well. It's something that you grow into in time and you either fit or you don't. It's something that you're always working on and constantly making better...when you lose the desire to make it better then maybe it's really over. Love to me is a journey, not a destination. I used to think that I'd find love and that would pretty much be it for the rest of my life. I don't know if any of this is making sense and I could go on and on by comparing what I have now to what I had then, but what good would that bring? I know that what I felt at the time was what I thought was love AT THAT TIME. Who gives a fuck if I knew better or not at the time? I hate how people talk about "I wasted my time on him...blah blah blah." Okay, so you're obviously a completely different person than who you are now...shit, that's a part of growing. But you gotta remember that it was you BACK THEN that was in love, not the you NOW.

I'm happy because I've evolved into a person who is in love and will continue to be in love with Byron. I'm happy that I met him when I did because he evolved into a great guy too!

I absolutely despise certain white people. Whatever, man. Call me a racist if you want, but I have no respect or tolerance for those white people who feel that they have established an "alternative" way to raise their children. These same people allow their 3-year-old to make a decision...if you ask them if they want to take a picture, they're gonna say no...they also do not how to properly give a time-out...just ignore them people...and they allow their children to run a muck and destroy other epole's property. What kind of child-rearing is that?

Some people just shouldn't be parents...

"Wasn't it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not for me. All things were gonna happen naturally. Oh, taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side and balancing the whole thing. But often times those words, get tangled up in the lines and the bright light turns to night..."

*Sigh* When is it gonna happen for me...

Anxiety has become a familiar feeling to me. That sucks. But on the bright side...my ad went on Craiglist today and hopefully I will have a sleu of applicants pouring in. Maybe in 2 weeks I'll have a full staff along with an MIT.

Babe's so cute...he wanted to make adobo tonight but decided on tomorrow instead. I told him that I would be home and could make it for him and he said, "No. I want to make it myself." He kinda messed up the last time, so he was asking me in the car if we had all the ingredients. I also reminded him that he needed equal parts of soy & vinegar, you know, just to make sure he's successful this time around. Aw...what a sweetie.

I love you. Thanks for putting up with me.

It's not about YOU, it's about ME.

It's like the kettle calling the pot black...

Sad, ain't it?

Me: Lisa's quitting. Her last day is the 27th.
Babe: Aw...for real?
Me: Yeah. Dude, I feel like my right arm's been ripped off.
Babe: What? What happened? Did you hurt yourself? Is it like stinging or something?
Me: No! It's like a metaphor!
Babe: Ohh...I get it.

Don't laugh. My boss said the same shit too. But it is sad because I love Lisa so much and I've become so accustomed to seeing her everyday (she's my manager-in-training). I don't want her to become one of those friends that I lose contact with...but that's up to me right?

So...if you know anyone that's looking to go in management...HOLLA!

People in Dublin are so snobby. Especially the older women, you know, the grandmothers that come in buying all sorts of baby items for their grandchildren knowing full well that the child will not be small long enough to use all the items. It's those same women that tend to look down on me, making me feel like anyone can do my job and as they turn their noses up and look away, their grandchild gives me the hugest smile that only I could get out of them. And it's those same women, who drool over each picture and thank me endlessly for perfectly catching a "moment." Those women look forward to our next visit and I can only hope that they feel like shit for the way they treated me when they first walked in.

And all I can do is smile.

I suck because I'm fucking working on my day off.

No matter though...I'm getting off early on Saturday! We'll actually make it to a baby shower on time...yay!

"You and I both loved...
What you and I spoke of...
And others just read of...
And if you could see me now...
Well...I'm already finally out of words."

Must. survive. 2. more. hours. of. work.

And this is how I spent my Valentine's Day.

I had a good conversation yesterday. It was probably the most Byron has opened up and said to me in a long time. I feel good and I didn't really cringe while he was talking about his exes (well, ex). I guess it's true that some people can't stay friends or be friends with their exes. But for me, there are just some people I can't see not in my life, regardless of the evolution of our relationship.

Go figure :P

Is it so fucking hard to do something for someone else without caring about if it'll fuckin' benefit them or not? I am impatient because I just don't have the energy to be patient anymore.

I have needs too...DAMN IT!

I've been away from home too long. Instead of going home like everyone else did after the District Meetings, guess where I am...that's right...work. Although I do have to say that my motivation has come back slightly. I can't make my life go the way I want it to, so I'm just gonna sit back and let it all unfold the way it's supposed to. I'm tired of being stressed out for no reason, tired of being depressed over shit I can't control, and tired of just being a little bitch all together. There's so much more to life then this...and I'm just gonna live it.

Now...if only time could move faster so I can see my Byron.

"Today you may find yourself wondering about some questions, DAWN, but it will be hard to put them into words. You're concerned about your emotional security, as it is not very well defined in your life at the moment. However, it will probably be impossible to resolve anything completely today. Wait a few days. Your feelings will be a lot clearer, and the answers to your questions will be all the more obvious to you."

compliments of Astrocenter.com

I don't know what irritates me more...
People that don't listen...or people that make it excruciatingly obvious that they aren't listening.

On a different note, I will be spending 2 nights away from my bed partner. *Sigh* I miss him already.

I don't know if I could do the long distance relationship thing again. It was hard on me the first time (leading to its subsequent break-up) and difficult the second time (I cheated, damn). It's not even an option anymore...and I hardly think a job is worth all that trouble. I mean the opportunity is there and pretty much guaranteed, but something in my gut and my heart is telling me that it's just not worth it.

Even though I'm unhappy at work, I'm happy at home. As much as I'd love both, moving away could lead me to be unhappy with everything.

And the job search continues...

Here I am at a crossroads again. I feel like I'm never truly satisfied with what I have. I feel like I've been applying everywhere and haven't heard anything. It's hard to be positive when nothing positive has really happened. I wish that I had one of those Magic 8 balls to tell me that everything will be O.K. and that I shouldn't be stressing over what I can't control.

It's funny how I depend on something and/or someone else to validate my feelings when I can totally do it on my own.

Here I am at work again...closing for the 2nd time this week. I have this eerie feeling that I may be by myself tomorrow...I hate that feeling. Ugh. I try to keep a positive outlook on life, hoping that someday something will fall into my lap. Did you ever wish that you had a crystal ball that could look into the future so you could see if things would go you're way or not? I wish I did right now. ugh...

The last hour of work always drags...damn.

15 more minutes and I get to clean up. This night seemed like it dragged on forever...I hate closing sometimes because a minute feels like an hour and and hour feels like an eternity. I've lost alot of motivation here. Sad. I should be getting pulls or calling birthday club, but no...I'm blogging away and filling out job applications. Tomorrow, I'm going to Pleasanton to drop it off and hopefully be able to speak to whoever is doing the hiring. Sounds like an interesting position...I've always had an interest in HR...and it would be for a college district. Sounds very appealing...I think that I would do well. I'm perfectly qualified. Kiddie Kandids and Seneca Center has taught me how to deal with stressful situations and come out cool as a cucumber.

Damn, will the time ever go faster? Back to the applications...

How fucking boring and lame is my life right now? I'm sitting here at work, it's 2:35 pm and no one wants to take a picture. What the hell is wrong with you people? It's just a free 8x10. Thank god I told Lisa to go out marketing. I'm just not in the mood to be bitched out by my boss, not that she would really...she likes me too much. Sometimes it's a good thing, but I'm beginning to think that it's not. I should be doing some kind of work...but no...I'm lazy.

Is it bad that I don't do much at work or at least I don't feel like I do?

In the words of Miah...BLAH.

Do you ever not feel like yourself and kinda wish that you were in someone else's skin, even just for a while? I feel like I've been like that for at least a week now and I don't really know what to do. It's affecting my life and my relationship...I'm way too hard on Byron and I just need to let up. I'm so unhappy with my job right now and I take it out on him. I really wish I had something else that would take my mind off it, but then my cell phone rings and guess who the fuck it is...that's right...work.

Revelations come in strange forms. Yesterday, one of my associates was about to call out and I just flat out said, "I can't stay after 5, so you either need to be here or somebody else does." I just couldn't take it anymore. A job shouldn't impede on your life. A career maybe, but not a fucking job. Which is what Kiddie Kandids is for me right now. I'm scared that I'll just get trapped. I just want to be happy and proud of what I do. There ain't no fucking prestige in being a manager. You're just the person they bitch at if your associates fuck up. I want my life to turn around now and if I talk to anyone about this they'll tell me to be patient. Fuck. I have a hard ass time being fucking patient. I just want it to happen for me.

I envy Byron because even though he has to sit in traffic for 2-3 hours, he still is so happy to wake up in the morning. Even though it's just work, he looks forward to it. I hella want that. He's so lucky that he found that, but he always tells me, "It'll happen for you too, just wait. In the mean time, keep looking." He's right. It will happen for me, I just wish it would happen soon.

This blogging thing has become instant therapy for me because (a) I can vent all I want without interruption and (b) I can go back and read my entries and figure out shit on my own. On my own...I feel like that's where I am for the most part. I don't like to consider myself a loner, but sometimes I feel like no one understands me. I just want to be heard and spoiled like hell. I'm tired of being that person that always gives in, that person that feels awful if I do something that would even be considered remotely selfish, that person whose patience is endless for the most part but as soon as it wears people notice and aren't afraid to point it out.

I wish I knew why I was like this. I wish I didn't feel like crying every night. I wish that Byron would realize that I'm not always trying to start a fight and to stop taking things so damn personally. I'm not trying to piss you off, I'm doing something that I was never able to do before I met you...

...I finally trust someone enough to tell them how I truly feel. I don't want to tiptoe around any issue because avoiding a fight isn't going to make anything go away.

I don't fucking know. I have no clue how to fix this. What happens when someone runs out of patience for you? Is it because you're testing them? Like...how much do you truly love me? What the hell man...I should just stop.

Easier said than done.

Aw SHiEt...another frickin' survey...

Time started: 11:10 pm
· Name: Dawn Marie Soria
· Birthdate : September 15, 1979
· Hometown: Union City
· High School: James Logan
· Siblings: Sister Zen, Brother Jimbo...(Soon to be)In Laws Ralph and Ernesto Jr.
· Righty/Lefty: Right

· ~~~~~Your Looks~~~~~
· Hair Colour : black with brown highlights
· Eye Colour : brown
· Contacts/Glasses: Nope
· Any Piercings: 4 unused ear holes

· Any Rings: Haha...you'd think with 2 "soon to be in laws"...but no.
· What Shoes Do You Wear: Pumas, please. Some Steve Maddens too...thanks.

· ~~~~~Just Lately~~~~~
· How are you today: illin' on my day off
· What shirt are you wearing: CDT Sweatshirt
· What does your hair look like now? tied back after a rousing hour of DDR
· What song are you listening to right now: nothing
· you ate: toast and chocolate milk
What is the weather right now: rain...i think
· The last person you talked to on the phone: Byron...right before I picked him up from work

· ~~~~~More About You~~~~~
· What are the last four digits of your phone? 8575 or 6406
· If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink
· Have you ever almost died: no...thank you Jesus
· Best advice anyone's given to you: There's a difference between being able to do something and wanting to do something. Hence my current career dilemmas.
· What sport do you hate the most? hockey...I just don't understand it.

· How many phones do you have in your house: 4...6 including mine and Byron's cell phones.
· Do you have your own phone line: um...besides my cell phone...yes
· Place for a dream house: Hawaii...but I like the one that I'm in now
· Who would you tell your dreams to: Byron...xcept the ones I want to come true
Who is the loudest friend: Hmm...I think I'm the loudest friend
Who is the quietest friend: Liza

· ~~~~~You and Love~~~~~
· Do you believe in love: yes...didn't for a while though
· Do you believe in love at first sight? yes...my niece Taryn and my nephew Royce
· Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? yes
· Did you send this to your crush: uh...what?
· What song do you want played at your funeral: what the hell kind of question is this
· Lights on/off: On...gotta see the O-face
· Do you like snow, sun, or rain: um...in moderation
· Summer or winter: winter
· White or chocolate milk: Both
· Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Jell-O...there's always room for Jell-O
· Skiing or boarding: boarding
· Day or night: night
· Cake or pie: I have to choose one?
· Diamond or pearl: diamond
· Sunset or sunrise: Sunrise = Dawn

Time finished: 11:22 pm

Kiddie Kandids

Pros:
Work with children, Workplace different everyday, Great colleagues

Cons:
Pay, Hours, Stupid-ass customers

Seneca Center

Pros:
Work with children, Workplace different everyday, Great colleagues, Use of my BA

Cons:
Pay, Hours, Unwanted emotional stress

I need a career where I can work with children, the workplace is different everyday, have great colleagues and makes use of my BA.

Well...doesn't everybody?

Well...y'all need to fucking congratulate me because I started something today that I haven't done in 2 years.

Tae Bo, baby.

So what if I couldn't completely make it through the entire video. It just goes to show how not in shape I am. Well, I am a shape, but it's more of a round one.

In totally unrelated news, I found my Britney Spears CD. Good times.

Byron brought a bowl of popcorn up to me and said, "Here...I don't want to be selfish."

I'm starting to realize alot about myself that I thought I already had figured out. I'm knowing my limitations and what I will and won't do...I have a difficult time with just living day to day. I like to plan. I don't know why. I think that I get it from my mom. Actually, I think that I am becoming my mom.

I should just stop.

"...a dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep..."

I'm going to refrain from telling you what my dream was about last night, since most of me wants for it to come true. I've been super sensitive to Byron lately, just being outright irrational and what-not. I wish that sometimes I wasn't this way. I think because of my discontent with my life at this point, that I take it out on someone very close to me...someone who I love to no end...someone that understands me. And he just kinda sits there and takes it. I appreciate him so much for that, especially since this has been something that I've been looking for since I graduated college.

"...no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing...the dream that you wish will come true..."

I think that I may have figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I know that I love to work with kids. I know that I am a business savvy woman.

Let's attempt to put those 2 things together...Pre-school Director.

I feel that this would be a good time for me to go back to school because (a) it's been 2 years since I received my BA and (b) I'm WAAAAAY more focused than I was before. It might be age or the fact that I really just want to be happy with what I do. I realized at Seneca and Kiddie Kandids that I absolutely adore kids. I also realized that I love running a business. I think that my need to have a baby has a lot to do with the fact that I need kids in my life. Does that make sense?

Bottom line is that I just want to be happy and if I have to work from the ground up...so be it.

It's times like this when I'm happy that I stopped buying cigarettes. That's like $40 a month extra that I have. I'm gonna need it.

From Cheryll. Miss you too!

[ x ] Spell your first name backwards - nwad
[ x ] The story behind your lj/xanga/blogger username – Hawaiian Name
[ x ] Are you a lesbian – No. Strictly dick-ly
[ x ] Where do you live – In sin with the boyfriend...at Mountain House.
[ x ] Wallet – Kenneth Cole (discounted from Ross)
[ x ] Hairbrush – I have two.
[ x ] Toothbrush – That too.
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily – None...yet.
[ x ] Blanket – King sized, fought over nightly with another blanket hog.
[ x ] Coffee cup – Blue Cobalt.
[ x ] Sunglasses – I lost them. How sad.
[ x ] Underwear – Nope.
[ x ] Shoes – Comfortable ones since I'm on my feet all day.
[ x ] Handbag – Fake Gucci and Burberry
[ x ] Favorite top – I don't have a favorite so much as a top I where all the time...aka my Kiddie Kandids Shirts.
[ x ] Cologne/Perfume – Velocity by MK
[ x ] CD in stereo right now – One that Ben made so I can write songs to it.
[ x ] Tattoos – Butterfly on my back, low and to the left.
[ x ] Piercings – Um...four holes in my ears that I do not use.
[ x ] What you are wearing now – Again, Kiddie Kandids uniform.
[ x ] Hair – Long, Brown highlights, Rounded Layers (need haircut)
[ x ] Makeup – MK cuz I have so much of it.

WHO or WHAT (was/is/are)
[ x ] In my head – Who? Byron...What? Dreading work
[ x ] Wishing - I had a M-F, 9-5 job
[ x ] After this - Goin' back to work
[ x ] Talking to – No one...by myself :(
[ x ] Eating – WAS eating lunch
[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason – Can't think of anyone
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now – Byron...I won't see him 'til later tonight
[ x ] Is next to you – Conan O'Brien (on TV of course)
[ x ] Some of your favorite movies – Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Usual Suspects, Big Daddy, Deuce Bigalow...I could go on forever)
[ x ] Something you’re looking forward to in the upcoming month – My FAT-ASS BONUS
[ x ] The last thing you ate - Lunch
[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - Not having a baby
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die – Um...I want to be preserved like Ferdinand Marcos and displayed in my home.
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy – My thoughts....damn you thoughts!
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet what would it be? Daschund...the hot dog dog
[ x ] What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed up – Uh...24 hours baby...PCN 2k1
[ x ] Ever been to Belgium – can't say that I have
[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - Yeah...I have talent
[ x ] What are 5 cities you wouldn’t mind relocating to: Santa Barbara, San Diego, Honolulu, Miami, Manhattan
[ x ] What are some of your favorite pig out foods – Too many...but someone left pistachios at the house and we were eating that shit for days!
[ x ] What’s something that you wish people would understand - Their children and that life's fucking short
[ x ] What’s something you wish you could understand better - My desire to have a child
[ x ] Anyone you miss that you haven’t seen in a long time – Miah, Cheryll, Jenn, Heather, Tricia...so many to name...

I'm so excited.
And I just can't hide it.
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it.

Interview on Monday means new professional clothes. Can you say SHOPPING? Well, maybe not all out, prolly just a new blouse. And possibly a belt. Gonna stop talking about that because I don't want to jinx it...will let you know the status later.

I've decided that 2004 is the year for KIT. I have so many people that I just haven't talked to (or seen for that matter) in ages. I've already established a day of the week to talk with Miah and I plan to reach out to old skool Santa Barbarians in the near future. Oh, if we all blogged then we could really know what's goin' on. Oh well...

I've noticed that I'm not comfortable calling my boyfriend "babe" or "baby" or "love" or "honey." I was just never one for the terms of endearment, but the funny thing is I can hear myself saying it in my head to Byron, but his name comes out. Moded, huh? Maybe 2004 should be the year for that too...we shall see...

I'm so overwhelmed with everything. Do you ever feel like you have absolutely no control over anything that happens in your life? I think that at this point in my life, I'm just not happy. I'm not happy with certain aspects of my job (like pay and hours)and I'm not happy with the way I look (special thanks to holiday over-eating and my sedentary lifestyle)...Life for me is in the dumps right now. But not like "I'm so depressed...I'm needing to discover myself...I'm going to be so dramatic until this whole thing is over". I just need to get over myself and let the healing process begin.

Not happy with your job Dawn? Maybe you should find a new one. One new job application everyday. Something will happen.

Not happy with your looks/body Dawn? Eat better and exercise. You have that 3 day diet and look foward to those Tae-bo DVDs that you bought.

In the words of that famous shoe company's catch phrase: JUST DO IT.

Happy New Year everyone...I hope that you all have your resolutions all made up. As for me, I think that I will resolve to not make any resolutions and just take better care of myself both physically and emotionally.

And find my ass a better paying job while I'm at it.

I don't know about any of you out there...but I always thought that a college degree would open up this world of possibilities for me...like I'd be rolling in the dough right now...but it's just not that way. Don't get me wrong though...I do make enough money to support myself. Byron and I are not struggling (although Holidays did kick our ass, but we know better for next year), we're doing fine. We just want more work experience so we can get better paying jobs and make a baby (okay, maybe save up to get married first if we HAVE to do it in that order).

Anywho, I had a blast on NYE...my family was there and we all got drunk old skool style (3 people threw up...1 of them I had to take care of personally because we sleep in the same bed). I wonder what 2004 has in store...

I haven't exactly been the best at updating this thang right here (but it's not like I have millions of adoring fans), but since I finally have some quiet time...I'd like to reflect on the past year's events.

I could just make some cheesy list like some people or try to find one word that encompasses the whole year (but I won't bite off Cheryll, she's much cooler and smarter than I am). But I won't. It'll prolly be more "deep thoughts"-ish...you know, like Jack Handey.

Or I could go on about how growth isn't necessarily measured by inches or years, but by the status of your life. Are you still living with Mom and Dad, or old college roommates? Are you still working your retail job that pays you about $7.50/ hr or have you found a career with full medical/dental benefits? Are you still trying to pay off college debt or putting a down on a brand new condo?

I could tell you what I did this year...worked full-time, moved into a house with Byron...what I longed for this year...financial independence, emotional stability, a baby...what I want for next year...a better paying job, unconditional support, a family.

Looks like it's gonna be an interesting year. Party safe everyone.

"I cannot stand still. I can't be this unsturdy. This cannot be happening..."

I feel like shit.

I feel like shit because I've been up since 5 this morning, braved a 1 1/2 commute to Fremont, then another 30 min to Dublin, 8 hours of bullshit from stupid ass parents, 2 hour commute back to Fremont, almost falling asleep on the way to San Jose, a boyfriend that asked the same question over and over because he wasn't listening the first, second or third time, the same boyfriend that doesn't think that laughing and pointing out a booger on my nose is in anyway mean or embarrassing and now I'm on the damn computer because I just can't go back to sleep.

"This is over my head, but underneath my feet 'cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat..."

I guess I should get used to this right? No acknowledgement like I've become some kind of permanent fixture...like I'm not supposed to take anything personally.

"And everything will be back to the way that it was...I wish that it was just that easy."
-Lifehouse, Somewhere In Between

you are deepskyblue #00BFFF

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I cannot wait until this week is over...and the funny thing is, I haven't even gone to work this week yet! HA! As you all may know, there are only 9 shopping days left until Christmas. I think that Byron and I have gotten about...oh...1/4 of it done and that was all last night! Man...we already knew that this Christmas was going to be tight being that we just moved out into our brand new house and are still trying to get used to all the bills (not to mention each other) as well as recover from that extravanganza we called a "housewarming." I know that B has been stressin' about money and bills and what-not and I'm trying not to be (too much of) a bitch. Work's got me stressin' and these 2 bounced checks...gosh that hasn't happened in YEARS...like COLLEGE YEARS.

It's funny how just when you think you have a handle on your money (whoa, that rhymed!), some other shit has to happen like a traffic ticket or unexpected payments (like house tax). One of my biggest fears when moving into this house was money. You know that money is the root of all evil and breaks up happy homes and marriages. I'm glad that we're getting through this together and hopefully it'll get easier as we get used to it...that's until we complicate it with a baby or something (haha). But for the most part, we're handling it and that's all that matters.

NOTE for NEXT YEAR: Parents, please don't wait til the last minute to take your pictures last minute and if you do, don't get mad 'cuz you have to wait. It's not Kiddie Kandids fault that y'all are LAZY PROCRASTINATORS.

The Holidays Suck.

The Holidays in Retail Suck Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Sucks Donkey Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Dealing with Children Sucks Big Donkey Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Dealing with Children and Their Retarded Parents SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY DICK.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS Y'ALL!

I feel like lately someone (or something) is trying to tell me something. My friend Lisa has a non-profit business that gives low-income mothers stuff like baby clothes that are donated by other people. She also spent most of her Thanksgiving at a food shelter with her family feeding the homeless. I called her a philanthropist and asked her where she gets the stregth to do all these good deeds.

She told me that God told her to do it.

So does that mean that God's trying to tell me something? If he is, speak clearer...I'm not sure that I understand.

It's weird how you could live with someone and never really get to spend "quality time" with them. I mean...you see them every freakin' day, they're the first person you see when you wake up and the last person you see when you fall asleep, yet there aren't many opportunities to just sit there and enjoy their company. It was like that when I lived at my parent's house and it's sorta like that now. Don't get me wrong...I love living at Mountain House and I love living with Byron (even though he REALLY knows how to PUSH MY BUTTONS) it's just that we get so caught up with our lives at work and truly forget to look around us and to enjoy the company of the ones you love. I thought that I learned so much about myself when I was away at school only to come back to the reality that I"M STILL LEARNING. There's so much more that I want to experience while knowing that I've experienced so much to this point in my life. Does that make sense? If it doesn't, forgive me...I worked 12 hours straight today.

I guess the point is...as adults we still grow. I don't think that I'll ever be the same person I was yesterday and tomorrow I won't be the same person I am today because I'm constantly wanting to know more about myself and about my life around me. How profound, huh? See what happens when you have about 30 minutes to yourself in the car alone speeding down the Altamont (sorry B, I know that scares you).

Hey! I'm going to Disneyland in T-minus 3 days! WOOHOO!

I was talking to a good friend of mine over IM today and I realized that I am now an adult. Not because I'm done with school...not because I'm working full time...not because I've moved out to live with my boyfriend...but because I was a part of a rather large event yesterday. There's so much planning involved and no matter how planned it is...it never goes the way you plan.

Not that I didn't think it was a huge success because it was. We were surrounded by loved ones and everyone was so great to each other and nothing broke...the walls were scratched up but that's pretty much it. It just made me think about the parties that happened when I was little, the hustle and bustle of the adults around me, talking to each other, the kids in one room playing together and I guess it just dawned on me...

I used to be one of those kids in the room and now I'm just an adult running around talking to everyone.

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you

You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a Black Celica.
You will marry Byron and have 5 kids.
You will be a District Manager in Santa Barbara.

-compliments of Play Mash

One day, I'll be able to handle everything that comes my way.

It's hard to be the stronger one when you feel weak yourself.

Stress is so unecessary, yet an essential part of life.

I'm worth more than they're paying me.

Byron said that we can have a baby next year.

I think that I want to get back into education again. Or at least some bastardized form of it.

We spent most of the day cleaning and organizing, but for some reason I was super sensitive to Byron's bossy, yet normal self. I felt bad, but I honestly don't know why today I just couldn't take his bossiness. But whatever, I know that it's not an ongoing thing...I'd like to think that I'm fairly understanding and pretty easy-going when it comes to suff like that. Just one of those days, I guess.

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

Hope the economy picks up by then...

Now I know...
It's meant to be.
It took awhile
But now I see...
Me for you,
You for me...

I LOVE YOU BYRON! MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!

Damn...I hate the way you know me...and Damn, you kill when you hold me like I'm your world, like this won't hurt, like a favorite cursing every nerve...Damn, I'm fightin' and I'm losin' it...Damn you, you're pullin' and a pushin'...I'm wrestlin with, I toss and twist...Baby, I give in...

Damn...

I'm beginning to think that I should actually have a life outside of my home...outside of just me & Byron because it could potentially ruin everything that I've worked so hard for. I dunno...I feel like a good portion of the time I'm trippin' over nothing and I honestly don't know why. I feel like I'm in HIGH SCHOOL because I have that same insecurity that I did back then and you would think that after 4 1/2 years of college and 2 in the real world would have snapped me out of it...but no...shit's still there.

It prolly stems from the fact that I've always felt so insignificant to EVERYONE especially my family, like nothing I'd do would really matter or just be overlooked in some way...but if I did something really terrible THEN it would turn some heads. I've been feeding off of negative attention for most of my life and lived by that "it feels so good to be so bad" mantra.

I hate this. I hate this about myself. I can't just let it go and move on. I have to take everything so personally and shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm a grown-ass woman and still able to throw little temper tantrums like a little bitch. I'm so disgusted with myself that it's not even funny.

SHIT. Maybe it'll look better tomorrow...

Compromise has got to be the most difficult verb in the English language. I'm telling you...it's not all flowers and sunshine no matter how much you love someone. I'm not saying that my relationship is in the dumps right now, but I swear to God I have the most terrible timing ever and unfortunately this is something I've been working on for the past 3 years. Ugh. Life is in no way perfect and I think that I got that yesterday. I remember when I was training for my old job, and I spoke to my supervisor about how I handle particular situations, like confrontation. To make a long story short, he likened me to a soda bottle capped very tightly. When confronted, the bottle is shaken and begins to build pressure. For the most part I can handle it, but it takes the slightest movement to just explode.

I wish there was a way I could stop the pressure from building. I try to talk about it, but as soon as I feel that whoever isn't listening, that bottle cap goes right back on and the pressure is back. I don't know where I got this mindset of neglect, like no one truly cares or is willing to bend over backwards for me. I try to tell myself it's not true, but sometimes you never know. I'd hate to think that I would be taken for granted and often wonder if anyone would truly miss me if I was gone. I know that in a universe so big (which I've actually learned over the past year that it actually is quite small, go figure) we all would like to feel significant, maybe not to every in their network of friends, but to someone that truly matters to them.

You always want to be important to the person that is most important to you.

.:LYRICAL GENIUS:.

10 things I hate about you
Number one, you've kept me on run
Number two, I never knew what to do
Number three, can't you see
You're making me go so crazy...

Why do you continue
To do what you do
I wish I never met you
I wish that it wasn't true

More to come...

.:LYRICAL GENIUS:.

I like how this thing gets updated like once a week. And the funny shit is, Blogger looks different everytime I try to post! Weird shit...

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since the first night we stayed at the Mountain House. I have to say that it is very interesting living with a significant other. I mean, I've had roommates and I know what it's like to live on your own, but this is so different. There's a lot of give and take...but most importantly, you get to see a side of that person that you've never seen before. I think that this is were most serious relationships fail. Some people are so set in their ways that they don't know how to bend. I know that my behavior at home is erratic (sorry hunny!), but at the same time, Byron has never lived with a girl (not even like a sister 'cuz mom don't count). I guess this post stems from an...uh...altercation that occured this morning.

Basically, I go to Union City on my day off in the week. So, I go to work with Byron in the morning and he picks me up when he gets off. This morning, Byron tries to leave at 6:30 am and woke me up at 6:12 am. That left me only enough time to wash my face and brush my teeth. Here's the conversation:

Byron: "Let's go."
Dawn: "I'm not ready you know."
Byron: "You have to put on make up still?"
Dawn: "Well, yeah!"
Byron: "I have to leave now! Just take it with you!"
Dawn: says nothing, just angrily puts stuff together

I was in a bad mood for the rest of the morning. I think I'm going to apologize for my behavior.

What kind of life are we leading, when we only know how to look towards the future? Today will mean yesterday, if we let it slip by us so quickly.

I don't know what made me think that, but I guess it's just me in anticipation of leaving work. My feet hurt and I'm tired. I'm hungry too, so guess who's looking forward to those leftovers I brought home from Mom's house yesterday.

RIP Mama Deling...9/9/91...I love you and miss you dearly.

This is the 4th night that Byron and I are living at Mountain House. I should re-cap what has happened over the past 4 days:

- The rails for our king size bed are too short. Instead of a Cal King, it's an Eastern King which is fine because now we have room at the foot of the bed for some kind of bench. Unfortunately, the mattress that was delivered was a Cal King. So, we've been hittin' it..er, sleeping...in one of the guest rooms, but that's only 'til the other mattress arrives.
- There are now 2 females trying to decorate this house.
- There is a gay ass strip of grass in the middle of the driveway. I'm proud to say that I ran over that and the front lawn. Tire marks commemerate the event.
- I discovered the biggest Safeway I've seen in my entire life. I could go crazy in there.
- It is difficult to shower with no blinds or curtains in your bathroom that looks right into your neighbor's bedroom.
- Byron scares easily ("what was that sound, babe?")
- My bamboo has grown 1/2 an inch and my money tree is starting to sprout more branches. My orchid still has flowers on it.
- Yesterday was the first time that I went out to eat at a restaurant with Byron's family. I also went to church with them that day and no, I did not burst into flames when I walked in.

But I think that the most important event was...Our (Byron and I) 1st year anniversary.

what do they really think of you by purple
lj name
sex
age
your best friend thinks	you're hot hot hot
your family think	you sing like an angel
strangers think	you'll sleep with them
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Dude...this totally makes my day.

Sometimes I think about how great it would be if I had a ring, but then I think that I may be putting too much pressure on the person I love most. I mean, it hasn't even been a year yet and I'm thinking marriage?

But then again I have to look at the nature of our relationship and its evolution. After all, he did tell me that he loved me the day we got together. Everything happens for a reason and I was surprised that such a declaration would have had me throwing up the peace sign and never calling him ever again. But alas, we spent so much time together. Sporting events, dinners, family parties, trips, clubbing...all the stuff that couples do. We are attached at the hip it seems, but in a good way. I dunno...everything was so whirlwind and even until today I can't believe how happy I am and how happy I have been since Byron came into my life.

I have approximately 3 more days here in Union City. I just realized that...now I'm kinda sad.

ARGH! My associates are a bunch of flaky morons.

This fucking sucks!

Got the keys, got the remote for the garage...

It's now official...I'm Byron's new roommate.

We had a very informal BBQ today, mostly to show off the house to our immediate family. I read something on Rose's Xanga today and it really stuck in my head. For those of you that have been religiously reading my blog, you know that I talk extensively about my relationship, how well it's going, where it's leading (marriage, kids, the whole sha-bang), etc. She put this excerpt about marriage and how love is just not enough and that there are 5 golden rules to relationships. I learned that "love just isn't enough" the hard way, yet I'm glad I learned that because it helped me to be more selective about who I enter relationships with. I am a hopeless romantic, but I know that there is more to life-long relationships than just love or sex (yeah, don't act like y'all don't know what I'm talkin' 'bout).

There's that mutual feeling of respect, sharing the same or similar values, being able to give and take, accepting the good with the bad...

...and there's nothing like them being the first thing you see in the morning and the last before you go to sleep.

It's funny how someone can say something that just sparks thoughts. My colleague's husband came to my work today and I asked him how he would feel if I sent my colleague over to Reno for a week. He said he would be sad and disappointed, but if it's for work she's gotta do what she's gotta do. It actually made my day because he's so supportive of her and her endeavours. I love it.

Then that got me thinking about my current situation. I'm proud to say that everything is going my way. I'm not so scared of what the future holds since shit happens, but I think that I'm prepared and calm enough to handle it. I'll have my brief moment of irrational, but can snap back out of it. I'm finally growing up and all that other shit is a thing of the past.

Don't worry babe. We'll get through this. But most importantly, we'll get through this together.

Yay! I'm officially a ninang. I am so privileged to be asked to be a part of someone's life like that. It's crazy since I've only been in Byron's friends lives for a little less than a year, but they feel close enough to me to ask me to be a godparent. When they asked me I thought I was gonna cry! But I guess that just goes to show you that you just don't know what kind of impact you have on someone's life until something like that happens...

It kinda makes me think about what other kind of impact I have on other people's lives. You ever get that feeling that you don't really feel like you're doing much, but in reality you are? I'm the type of person that has no idea how I must look to other people. I just go on thinking that I'm just like everyone else, trying to get by with what I do and believing that I'm no one truly spectacular. Then someone goes and makes me a ninang or tells me that I'm impressing the big wigs in my company or saying that they wouldn't mind woking for me if I was DM. I don't know if I should call it being humble or oblivious.

Or maybe I'm just the BOMB.

I think that I'm one of the few people that actually remembers their dreams. It's weird because more often than not, I wake up feeling like it was so vivid and that it actually happened.

Last night, I dreamt that Byron got my friend Rowena (who happens to be my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend, but that's another story for later) PREGNANT. It was like Byron and I were a month in our relationship and he told me that he had a baby on the way. It was so fucked up. I was crying so hard in the dream and I felt like someone just ripped my heart in half. In the dream, Byron was really excited about having a baby, but was trying to reassure me that Rowena meant nothing and that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course in my dream I wasn't trying to hear it and being so incredibly irrational that finally I just blurted out, "I'm hurt because it's not me that's having your kid."

I hate dreams like that because I end up calling Byron as soon as I wake up just to tell him. I have this theory that if I talk about the dreams that I don't want to come true then they won't.

Go ahead. Call me crazy. I don't mind.

I love Tuesdays.

I love them because I work late and I get to sleep at Byron's house on Monday night. I love them because the next day is my day off. I love them because I get to sleep in. I love them because I don't have to deal with traffic on my way to work and back.

I hate Tuesdays.

I hate them because I have to work late. I hate them because I can't do anything afterwards because I'm so tired. I hate them because I rarely get to see my boyfriend after work. I hate them because I wake up from sleeping in, only to realize that I have to go to work.

damn.

I work at Kiddie Kandids located in the Babies R Us at Hacienda Crossings in Dublin. I pretty much see the same people everyday, day in, day out, and I tend to notice things.

There's this one Babies R Us associate that I think is really beautiful. I get kinda embarrassed because I catch myself staring at her. Not just looking, like when you glance at someone, but really staring. Sometimes, she looks in my direction and she just smiles at me. I didn't see her for a few days and I was kinda bummed. Does this make me...GAY?

No, it doesn't. I'll explain.

I've had few lesbian encounters. I've kissed girls. I've been put in a situation to have sex with a girl (2 of them actually). I was even propositioned by my high school best friend to be in a threesome with her and her then-boyfriend. I'm happy with who I am with now and honestly, I wouldn't want go out with a girl for 2 reasons: (1) girls are drama and (2) they have smaller hands than me.

I guess my point is that I'm pretty tired of labelling and profiling. I'm tired of people trying to fit a category or saying, "well, if your not, then what are you?" Both my college majors devoted so much time into figuring out why this is so. I'm just really over it.

Do you ever have those mornings, where even though you really aren't that tired anymore, you still want to stay in bed? Not in bed for depression, not in bed cuz you're trying to catch up on your sleep, but just because it's comfortable and you are wrapped warmly in your comforter. I had one of those mornings and it made me think about when I started sleeping over Byron's house.

It was normally on a Saturday night, I don't know why it happened to be that night regardless of the fact that this was when I had the entire weekend off. I loved waking up next to him as I still do now. But the difference is that we would actually just chill in bed, watch some football (since it was football season) and I wouldn't get home until about 2 or 3 just to shower/change and head back to his house again.

I still sleep there, sometimes more often than I used to (I think the most I've slept at his house was like 3 nights in a row), but our lives have picked up the pace a bit. Now he wakes me up because he has to leave for work, and when I'm there on a Sunday we usually have a schedule and long list of things to do. We get tired more easily and honestly, I think we just get tired of driving back and forth between San Jose and Union City. And it's not even about if it's worth driving the distance because it always is (at least for me anyway, but I'm sure it is for him too), it's just that suddenly I've reached a new place in my life where I don't go out like I used to and I really only muster up enough energy to see my boyfriend and end up sleeping there anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I'm 26 or 27, and I'm beginning to forget that I'm only 23.

Oh well, it's not like I ever knew how to act my age in the first place.

I made the mistake of eating ice cream before I go to sleep. For those of you that know me best, I tend to have some fucked up ass dreams when I eat before I go to sleep.

Kinda scared, y'all.

"Sometimes you just have to let it go...
Let it go, let it go...
Leaving all my fears to burn down...
Push them all away so I can move on...
Closer to my dreams..."

I wish that all my insecurities would just go away. I realized today that there are so many times when I am so much talk and that I don't practice what I preach. Geez...how do you kow when to change? Why am I so concerned with being perfect? Why can't I just accept the fact that shit happens, nobody is perfect (especially me) and that I can't truly live my life to the fullest if I am tiptoeing around everything?

I'm tired...tomorrow's a new day.

Do you ever have that weird feeling in your stomach, like you know what will make you feel better but unfortantely it is not there at the moment? Or how about that feeling when you listen to your parents yell at you at length about something you were totally wrong about and all you can think about is how your going to make it up to them? How about that feeling that you just don't belong where you are and that you are counting down the days when you can just up and leave? What about feeling like you just want to sit there and do nothing? Or how about that feeling that you get when your boyfriend talks about something he did with his ex and regardless of the fact that you know in your heart that you have nothing to worry about and that he's yours forever, you can't help but still feel a little uncomfortable with a slight bit of jealousy?

I hope this is a good day.

It is so nice to have 4 days off in a row. I think that I should do this more often. Well, not too often. I'm finally getting used to this working thing now.

I don't know why I've been acting like I'm going to wake up one morning and everything will be gone...and then wondering why everyone else doesn't act the same way. I wish that I would just be happy with what I have...not that I'm not because I truly am...and just allowing whatever to happen...happen. As much as I would like to control everything, I must realize first that it you can't control life period. I keep saying that everything happens for a reason and up until now it's still so true.

I remember having a conversation with my friend Phillip. We were talking about the difference between guys and girls' approaches to relationships. He said that for girls, it's the right person and for guys it's the right time. I think that if you meet the right person at the right time, then you are one of the lucky ones. But for the most part, timing is everything.

I'M ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES. :)

Lately, I've gotten on this whole "how do you know?" tip with Byron. I've never found someone like him. He truly is "something else." I guess I just need to be reassured a lot of the time. I'm scared that this will go so totally wrong and I wouldn't know what to do if it all fell apart. He seems to get upset when I do stuff like that, but it's just me, you know? How does he know and why isn't he trippin'? But I guess it's pretty much set now...they close escrow on August 28...move in weekend is the weekend of the 29th...we already spent like $3200 on our bedroom and family room...and everytime we go to any store we're always looking for stuff for the house.

"We'll make it through and I hope you are the one I share my life with...
and I wish that you could be the one I die with...
and I'm praying you're the one I build my home with...

...I hope I love you all my life."

-Daniel Bedingfield, "If You're Not The One"

"The remedy is the experience...it is a dangerous liason...I says the comedy that is serious...Which is a strange enough nw play on words...I said the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your life with the light on...So shine the light on all of your friends...When it all amounts to nothing in the end...I won't worry my life away..." -Jason Mraz, "The Remedy"

I love this song! He's so cute!

I told my parents that I'm moving out.

My parents are pretty understanding people considering that they've had a lot of shit thrown at them for the past 4 years. I didn't think it would kill them that their daughter who has her degree and a stable job was going to move out of the house. They didn't yell. They didn't get angry. They didn't even go into how our family looks to other people. All they care about is that Byron and I understand that this is a big step and we should be committed to each other.

I was trippin' for nothing.

I haven't been on Friendster for 5 days now.

I'm starting to twitch.

Must. stop. Friendster. more. addicting. than. smoking.

YIKES!

"What's this? You're gettin' fat there!"

THINK BEFORE SPEAKING.

Sometimes, I wish that YOU held ME until I fell asleep. Sometimes I wish that I didn't feel this way. Sometimes I wish that I could better articulae myself so you know exactly how I feel. Sometimes I wish that I didn't take so many things so personally. Sometimes I wish that you're world revolved mostly around me. Sometimes I wish that you could read my mind so the words wouldn't get in the way. Sometimes I wish you would understand that it's not what you say it's how yu say it. Sometimes I wish I could grow wings and fly away. Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and everything looked better in the morning. Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't have to always explain myself...sometimes it just hurts. Sometimes I want to be with the person you love most. Sometimes I want you to humor me and accept the fact that I do my best thinking at night. Sometimes I want them to remember that even though I am working this Saturday, I am still willing to drive 2 hours to Roseville. Sometimes I want you to think about how difficult it is to not tell my parents that I are moving. Sometimes I wish that the little things didn't hurt in such a big way.

"Hold on...Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why...
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell. But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see...a different side of me."

Last night, I made my boyfriend cry.

It's hard to have your feelings acknowledged when you are so concerned abot making someone you truly care about (and love so dearly) feel better. I'm going through some..."interesting" times right now. I hate the fact that my associates can be fucking morons and that because of them I had to work all 7 days this week. I hate the fact that now that I work in retail, I miss a lot of cool, fun stuff (or I show up late to it). I hate the fact that I've been hiding an important secret from my parents, but don't know how to tell them. I hate the fact that I often say "long time no see" to the family I live with. I hate the fact that I have to drive 30 minutes to see my boyfriend. I hate the fact that my idea of spending time with Byron completely differs from his. I hate the fact that I cried myself to sleep last night.

I don't hate my job or my associates (well, maybe one). I don't hate my family or my parents. I especially don't hate my boyfriend. If anything, I love these things more than anything in the world right now.

I just hate the crappy stuff that comes with it.

Doooood...

Justin Timberlake is fine as hell. FINE AS HELL. Jenn asked me if I would whore myself to him while we were driving to the concert and I replied, "This is just not the week for that." I can't even whore myself to my own boyfriend...how am I supposed to whore myself to JT? Let me just say that we were close enough to the stage that we were watching groupies talking to Johnny Wright (JT's manager) trying to...well...whore themselves to him. It was a fucking trip.

I didn't think that I would enjoy the Xtina portion of the show, but I did. I got to sing along with her old school shit and now I have a reason to buy her CD. Not as raunchy as I thought. I was always a fan of her singing...I love it when concerts make me a better fan.

I haven't really been myself lately and I don't know why. I think it's all the pressure that's building from moving out and the fact that I'm too chicken to tell my parents. I feel bad because I've been taking it out on Byron, but I usually try to apologize when I do that. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't think about how big this step is for the both of us.

Graduation time. Pomp and circumstance. Starting new chapters, ending old ones.

Remember when you thought you knew everything...but as time passed you learned that there's so much more out there than you thought? You thought you've discovered yourself, but then realize that there's so much more to learn about everything especially yourself? And when you thought you've conquered the difficult stuff only to realize that there's more conquering that lies ahead?

It's interesting to see this change in people and know I was once there. Time does change everything, whether we like it or not , and we just have to accept change as it comes. A wise person once told me "it's okay to think about it, but it's not okay to dwell on it."

Class of 2003...welcome to the next step.

I think Janet Jackson (and Joni Mitchell) put it best when they sang, "On and on we seem to go, but you don't know what you got 'til it's gone."

There is someone special in my life and for the past 2 weeks or so, I haven't been able to spend time with them the way that I want to. I feel partly to blame because I know they're hurting and I don't know if they know that I'm trying my best to right the situation. I don't want them to feel that I am negligent in any way, but that sometime life gets in the way of progress.

For those who know me best, you probably have already guessed that I'm talking about my car.

I drove her to San Jose this evening because she's supposed to get fixed. The part comes in on Thursday, so I'm crossing my fingers that she'll be ready by next week. I've already come to terms with the fact that this is all coming out of my pocket and I'm prolly never gonna find the fucker that did this to her.

I just want to have my car (and my freedom) back.