finally...

As of December 25, 2004...Byron and I are officially engaged!

Let the wedding planning begin....

happy fucking holidays

Well, it's been a LONG time since I written in here and many things have happened over the past couple of weeks.

Remember the car that I mentioned in previous posts? IT WAS STOLEN FROM OUR DRIVEWAY...right in front of our garage. Ain't that some shit. But no worries...the Modesto PD found it and it wasn't really damaged. We should be getting it back in a week as it is at the shop...but who's gonna give our sense of security back?

Taryn turned FIVE on Monday. It's official...she's a kid now. I looked at Royce and his head is starting to become more proportioned to his body. Why won't you kids stop growing!

I am now finacially independent of my parents...I paid off the rest of my car, I have my own insurance...it was liberating and disheartening at the same time.

Have a safe holiday season everyone...I hope I get to see all of you soon. I'm only a phone call away...and if you have AT&T or Cingular, we can talk for free. Word.

being loved

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

well adjusted

Eating popcorn and watching FRIENDS in our 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom home made me realized that I am now...an adult. I walked in from the garage to emptiness, but not the kind of emptiness I've been dreading for the past couple of months, but a comfortable kind. Like when you're sitting with a close friend and just enjoying their company...that kind of comfort. I've bitched and complained that I have nothing to look forward to...but I do. I don't take myself too seriously at work (just enough to actually keep my job...I do have shit to pay for now) and in turn I have this new found appreciation for life. I had Taryn and Royce for the weekend...they were a handful! But not to the point where I don't want kids anymore because I do...it's just that I'm okay with waiting for the "right" time. I'm in such a rush to do things that I don't really take the time out to just enjoy everything...especially myself :)

I think it's funny that there are people out in the wonderful land of blogging who get offended when something is posted that really pisses them off. In response, they go off on their own online journal and talk shit. Then, after that, they get mad because other people are up in their business when what started this whole thing is them getting in other people's business.

Strange world I tell you. But, as the saying goes...people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...

I have an announcememnt. There is a new addition to our household. On Saturday, October 30, 2004...Byron and I took a big step.

We own the 2005 Altima SE-R.

I have about an hour or so before Byron gets home and we can go to Wal Mart to get some stuff for our Halloween costumes. What are we going to be? Freeways. I even talked my unit at work to come dressed like that tomorrow too...I'm super excited, which just shows how much of a loser I've become.

My friend and fellow Gaucho Alum Jason recently joined the Allstate family. I'm happy because FINALLY I get to be around someone I hung out with in college. Good times, good times.

We now have access to our equity line...and I've paid off both of my credit cards and will soon be paying off my car. I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. What's next? I think you guys can guess...

random thought: sexual harrassment is for ugly people.

I went to SB this weekend...and as always, it was fucking good ass times.

And then I found myself crying on my couch last night, holding onto Byron for dear life.

Fun times, sure...but at what cost?

Unlike me, Byron will never experience this. It's like re-living a period in your life when you know that you were truly happy. When everyone you loved was within a 1 mile radius from you, when you laughed so hard that your stomach muscles actually cramped, when you always knew the right thing to say and even when you didn't, people believed you anway...

Not that being here with Byron or living on my own sucks or anything, but it's just a different kind of happiness. It sucks when you know that you have to close that chapter in your life and move on to bigger and better things. But for some people, it's there and accessible...you experience different things and you experience them together. I'm not that fortunate. I depend on blogs to update me on people that I used to see everyday. I see them for one weekend a year and on special occassions. How do you keep the people who meant so much for 4 years close to you like you never left?

Lately, I've been feeling really lonely. It doesn't help that I'm even further away from my family. I just want to know that this will get easier...

I can't fucking believe that it's October already...I'm still living in June!

The weather is getting colder and it's gonna start to rain soon...and that means it's going to be buys at work. I swear...if I've learned ANYTHING over the past 4 months at my job, I've learned that PEOPLE CAN'T FUCKING DRIVE. Geez...how the hell did you get your license people? Ugh...and the people who drive the expensive cars are big time turds too. They hella swear the world revolves around them. The last time I checked the world revolves around the sun and I'm pretty sure that the sun doesn't own a car or have a license for that matter.

Byron and I are getting fat and every so often, his parents are not afraid to point it out. I think back to when I was still in college and how I lost a lot of weight the summer before senior year. It was easy because I hardly ate (you need money to do that!) and I was single. I had a reason to look good...and now that I've landed me a man for the rest of my life...my appearance just isn't as important. But, we're trying...I've been bad and stopped going to the gym. I need to get my motivation to go back again...maybe next week. I need to be more hardcore about this weight loss thing. I know that the holidays are just around the corner...so I gotta do SOMETHING. It would help if my roomie would portion his food too. But I've noticed that I don't snack during the day. I should stop drinking soda and eating candy...ugh, I need to find a new comfort.

This is a rambling post. It's Tuesday night and Byron won't be home for another 4 hours. I get bored easily. I hope I don't snack to pass the time. I've been really tired lately and moody. Maybe I'm pregnant...ha.

Haven't updated in a long while...

Nothing really new. I had a job interview with University of Phoenix...didn't get the job though, but that's okay. Some things just weren't meant to be...

But...Byron was approved for an Equity line of credit against the house...so that means we'll be getting some stuff paid off and...planning a wedding! We've decided that we're getting married here because I've never had a big celebration for myself. No cotillion...no grad party...so call it self-centered, but shoot...my wedding's gonna be a big event.

I just need to wait for Byron to offically propose...and then the planning will begin!

Happy 25th Birthday to the most important person in my life...

me.

I came home from work last night to a husky man sleeping in my bed, complaining about the heat in the room and that he didn’t feel good because of something he ate. After a shower and a short nap, I tried numerous times to wake this man up but with no success.

My “little sister” calls me up and saves me from the boredom. We talk about everything from paying bills to sex and spend almost 2 hours on the phone. After realizing the time and the fact that I would have to work the next day, we part ways on the phone and I go back up stairs to the husky man.

In the morning, he states, “You never tried to wake me up yesterday!”

*rolls eyes * right…

If I could have some sort of sign...I would just really like to know if I'm headed in the right direction.

Time does fly when you're monogamous...(thanks Miah)

I can't believe it's been 2 years and we've been living with each other for 1 year.

It's Tuesday...and Byron has a softball game at 9:15pm. That means that I'm going to be by myself tonight. *sigh* It's cool for like the first couple of hours, then I just get bored and lonely. You know what else bugs too? My family makes a big deal about me not visiting them as often, but when I ask them to come visit me it's like pulling teeth.

Argh...I'm hungry. Time to eat dinner.

2 years down...a bazilllion to go!

Happy Anniversary Babe!

I have no real plans for my birthday, other than Byron taking me to watch "Lion King" in the city...yay! We were supposed to go to Seattle, but that kind of panned out with certain circumstances in our lives (ie no money). It's all good though...we have those 3 days off, so we'll just spend that time with each other.

I think about how lucky I am to have Byron. I actually think about it alot. At the risk of sounding mushy, I have to say this is the best relationship I've been in. I always wondered what it would be like to be with this guy that I was going to marry and I have to say, it has not been bad at all. I feel taken care of and I do feel special (despite what I say once a month) which is something that I've been looking for. After a year of living together and adjusting to someone's idiosyncracies, I still love him...I still want to be with him...and I can't imagine my life without him. I always knew that it was work to maintain a healthy and loving relationship...I just never knew it would be this easy. Whoa...this is what an adult relationship feels like. I love it!

I think that I've gotten pretty good at admitting I'm wrong...especially since until recently, I believed I was right about EVERYTHING...but after my monthly spaz-attack, Byron brought up a pretty good point:

"Don't ask what I used to do with whoever because it doesn't matter and you're just going to end up like this (i.e. crying like a lil bitch)."

So true. My response? He's right

Which brings me to my point...what makes us more human than wanting to know how, why and what makes us better than anyone that came before us? Damn it...why the hell do I care? I really don't. He doesn't mention anything about his past unless I bring it up, jokingly or not, and he's obviously more focused on the present/future than I am. It's just insecurity on my part, but how do I work through this? This is stupid high school/college shit. Geez Dawn...you're damn near 25 years old...we're living together, getting married (summer 2005), having kids (I'll keep you posted)...I'm stupid. I'm acting immature. I need to get over myself and stop tormenting the love of my life.

I hate it when I'm wrong...but I'm glad that I have someone that isn't afraid to let me know.

17 days until my birthday.

Along with all my college folks...I, too, will become 25.

My insurance gets lower...I don't have to pay extra to rent a car...I'm still alive...life is good.

Still want kids, still want to get married, still not settled on a career path.

Happy Birthday to me.

When you live with someone, it's very easy to take them for granted (whether intentional or not). It is also very easy to turn off your ears, especially when they say stuff that you really don't want to hear. I, for one, have always had some trouble with this...I get so darn defensive about shit I don't want to hear...and it ends up with me not listening and stewing in my anger.

Lately, I've been feeling very alone. I don't really see my friends as often as I like. My co-workers are cool, but damn, I see them 8 hours a day, 5 days a week...anymore than that and I just may go crazy. It's like pulling teeth to get my family to come out and see me (actually, anyone I know for that matter). So, all I have is Byron and I can't be all up in his grill all the time...he needs his space too. I hang out with Byron's friends a lot, but we all know my issue with that. I have become an island...

I understand that after college, life gets in the way. When I do see my friends or Byron's friends, it's always good times. Byron is very good to me and is always there when I need him. It's mostly my family right now that I'm having a hard time dealing with. They make all these plans and don't let me know about it. I invite them over and they don't come, so it hurts.

Byron actually brought up a very good point last night to me and I have to say, it was the most intelligent analysis of my current situation I have ever heard from him. Usually it's just "I don't know" or "What do you think you should do?" Basically, my family is going through some trying times right now. At this point, there are 9 people living at that house. My bro-in-law isn't making as much money as he used to. My sister is stressed out about the kids and money. My mom is crazy. My dad is losing his job in 1 month. My brother can't find a job because of his DUI. Byron kinda laid this all out for me and said that from an outsider's perspective, they're all going through a lot right now and that I shouldn't take it so personally. They've got other shit to think about and it's up to me if I want to bitch and complain or help them through it.

It made me feel so much better...especially since I actually had my ears turned on.

Me: "Will you love me forever?"
Babe: "I'll love you forever."
Me: "Okay. I'll love you forever too."

I stumbled on my very first "real" boyfriend's xanga (my first kiss...aw) and I read that he's getting married pretty soon. Congrats to him...I know the girl that he's marrying has been with him for a LONG time. It's nice to know that there are relationships that stand the test of time, growth and maturity. It's beautiful.

Then it got me thinking that I've been in and out relationships for about...oh...almost 12 years now and I must say that I've become a bit of an expert on the subject, well, psuedo-expert. I've learned a lot about myself...what I would do for love and what I wouldn't do, stuff like that. People have there own biases about relationships and love. I bet if you look back, there was a time where you loved being single and times when you hated being single, times when you wondered why you stayed with someone for so long, times when you were with someone and secretly wished that you were with someone else, times when you were afraid to move on because you didn't want to be alone, times when you wished that you tried harder and wanted a second chance, and times when you wished that someone would just sweep you off your feet.

I know how to love. We all do. But what took almost 12 years to learn was how to be loved.

I saw my aunt (my mom's younger sister) yesterday because her and my grandma are going to the PI for the next 3 weeks. So, you know what that means...pasalubong galore! I really wish that my aunt lived closer...everytime I see her we always talk. Me, my sister, my mom and my aunt just sit around the table and talk...and we laugh so loud too! I totally see my sister and my relationship in my mom and my aunt. I know that eventually, my sister's gonna move away and to know that my mom and my aunt can still maintain such as close relationship helps me to feel a little more at ease about that. Shoot...that's what growing up is about right?

Which brings me to another subject...my mom's side of the family is coming to California for Christmas and I found out that they were going to LA the week after to go amusment parking hopping. BUT I CAN'T FUCKING GO :( I have to work. I wish they told me sooner...but that's what they do...tell me shit last minute and get upset that I can't go. Nothing I can do about it now...

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas...ha!

I'm anxiously waiting the arrival of someone that is incredibly important to me...I consider her a best friend...but it's more accurate to call her a little sister. And I get to see her two cutie daughters...I'm very excited!

I'm content with my life so far...my job is treating me well and so is my boyfriend...I really feel like a part of the Evangelista clan and I'm actually comfortable talking to them. The only thing is...what do I call his parents? Auntie and Uncle are not right, especially if the plan is to marry into the family...but is it too much to call them Mom and Dad? I guess I'll just stick to addressing them directly, you know, like waiting for them to actually look at me in order to have a conversation. That's how it has been...I know his brother's girlfriends refer to them as Auntie and Uncle...but I just don't feel comfortable saying that. Sigh...

I'm always waiting for something to happen. I'm going to let my life take it's natural course again...I'm such an impatient person...

Here they come a knockin' again...and I've already opened the door...

We were supposed to go to to San Jose for a first birthday party, but thanks to miscommunication those plans fell through. I was upset at first, but today actually turned out really well. I spent the entire day with Byron shopping at Target, Walmart and Albertson's...and the day has yet to end. We rented "50 First Dates" and are going to watch it later tonight...

Whoa...I'm boring now. Damn.

It's sad that I give a damn...but I do.
It's unfortunate that I would take the time out of my day...but I do.
It sucks that I can't control this...and I know I can.

Fuck man...it's all here...all for me and only me.

I fixed my comment thingy...I know that only blogspot users were able to post, but I changed the settings. Comment away!

Everyone and their mom is having/has kids...wait...scratch that...everyone is/is becoming a MOM.

Went to a christening reception yesterday...and it was good times with Byron's college homies, but it was also a time where Dawn realizes that she still really wants to have a baby.  Driving home, I realized that I have one more pack left in my prescription of "no-baby" pills and Byron said that after that I could stop and let nature take it's course.  Who knows...this time next year I could become a mom too...

Which brings me to marriage.  I think about my sister and my mom...they got married and had kids at a really young age.  My sister is having her ups and downs of her own...and it made me think that it's good that Byron and I are living together now.  It's been almost a year (can you believe it?) and I enjoy living with him.  I've never been so comfortable with someone and it just lets me know that when we do get married, there will be no surprises.  What you see is what you get and I'm okay with that.

I ate 4 plastic bowls of Rice Krispy Treats yesterday.  I'm such a piggy. *oink oink*

I'm bored out of my mind right now...so what do I do then? I browse around other people's blogs/xangas/livejournals. I've got about 15 more minutes before my feedback session with my facilitator (I'm in training right now). Have I mentioned that they are running on CST...meaning my ass has been getting up at 430am every morning since Monday? I'm thinking about getting some more hot chocolate, but that's like 120 calories! That's 10 minutes on the EFX machine easily! But I digress...the purpose of this post is to summarize what I've seen after browsing through many journals:

-Xanga/Livejournal picture posting. I've noticed that we are very conceited people. Do we post certain pictures because those are the best pictures? Like if a stranger were to browse my site, they would be like..."damn their hot!" I shouldn't talk though...if blogger had the same capabilities, then I'd be posting pics too!

-The profound quote. Some journals do, some journals don't. I personally like the journals who have those quotes that make absolutely no sense at all. The ones that make you go "what the fuck?" Yeah...those are cool.

-Middle finger pics. If the journal owner is still in school (college, high school, etc) there is at least one picture of them on their site where they are flippin' the bird.

-BF/GF shout outs. AW...to be young and in love...and then it change again the following month.

-Billions upon billions of links to other people's sites. Why have friendster and myspace when you can find it all here?

-Music. While your getting lost in the words of someone else, get lost in the music as well. Or get incredibly annoyed because you don't know how to turn it off.

-Surveys and quizzes. Yeah baby, I always needed an excuse to not do work.

-Content. Someone's either screwing over or just plain screwing someone else, along with what happened at at family functions/work/school/etc.

and finally,

-"I'm free to speak my mind however I please" (not necessarily in those particular order of words.) Free speech is a wonderful thing. Don't abuse it by telling someone else they can't have their own opinion.

Who Is Dawn?
Take my Quiz! and
then Check out the Scoreboard!

I didn't think it was possible...but how can you miss someone you live with?

Tuesdays kinda suck.

the little things

  Byron and I one of those days yesterday.  We were supposed to have his brothers come over, but that kinda panned out.  So it was just me and him for the rest of the day.  I thought that he would be really bummed out about it, but to my surprise he wasn't.  We cooked hamburgers on our George Foreman grill, baked some garlic fries, rode around the neighborhood on our newly purchased bikes (before my inner tube popped) and ended the evening sitting on our porch eating ice-cream sandwiches.  I've never felt so content being at home, just us.

  And it's just those little things that get ya...but damn do I love 'em.

For the next week, I am going to have the longest days EVER. I have to be at work by 6am for training. GREAT. At least I get off early though!

I got a text message last night from someone (you know who you are) that said "It's funny cuz it's true"  Dude, what the hell are you talking about?  Let me know...I'd like to laugh too!

  Thanks to those leaving comments.  If you like something, leave a comment.  If you wanna talk shit, go ahead and leave a comment.  If you are someone that I know and new to my site, please, leave a comment.  Spanks!

So glad it's FRIDAY...I forgot how nice it was to have a weekend to look forward to, but the past month has been super busy and I've really had no time on the weekend to relax or breathe for that matter...

I'm at work and the only reason why I'm posting right now is because my supervisor isn't here. Just like at Kiddie Kandids. Only one more hour til the weekend and then it's off to the gym!

I can't save either y'all. I'm glad that my fellow Santa Barbarians can't do it either!

I'm currently in my Claim Portfolio Training class. I'm in a class where I'm supposed to be learning how to use this particular software, but I've known how to use this software for the past 2 months. I can't believe that I've been here for the 2 months already! Geez...where does the time go?

I know that from my previous post that it may sound like I'm engaged, but officially I'm not. I don't have a ring, I haven't picked my bridesmaids or my dress, I have made a list of who I'm going to invite...Byron and I talk about it and we've begun planning for the planning. Make sense? I mean, in so many different ways it's like we're married...and I know deep down in my heart that it'll just be me and him for the rest of our lives. When we decided to live together, it wasn't one of those situations of convenience or because we were in the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship where we couldn't be apart...we really did think the whole thing through and with the plan of eventually getting married when we could afford to do so. Now that I have a better work schedule, Byron and I don't argue so much (not that we really do all the time or at least in my eyes we don't) and we started to focus on each other. This past weekend made us both realize that we really do want to spend the rest of our lives together and that we want our wedding to be special.

Don't worry y'all...I'll give plenty of notice when we are officially engaged. There's a good chance that we'll be getting hitched in Hawaii, so start saving up now Miah :P

Back from LA...it was a truly beautiful wedding. And...it got Byron thinking about the kind of stuff that he wants for ours!

Mom and auntie behaved themselves...my sister was moody the whole weekend...Taryn smashed her finger in the door...Roycee went swimming...Ben saw his best friend from HS...Jimbo has an "interesting" haircut...I miss my cousins...Byron won at playing Texas Hold 'em...

It was a good weekend.

I'm going to LA this weekend for my cousin's wedding. I'm excited because I get to see the cousins that I pretty much grew up with...but then I'm not because our parents have some issues with each other. My mom and her cousins (which are my cousins parents) have this long standing resentment towards each other. Well, it's actually more from my aunts and uncles than my mom...and it's really stupid too. Some shit about how their grandfather paid for my mom and her siblings to go to school and how he didn't help my aunts and uncles out, but from what I understood they didn't need the help at the time...bottom line: it's a stupid fight and 30 years later there's still a grudge.

Although it's been alleviated since then, the tension is still there...and of course, the children suffer. It was hard enough that my cousin went to SB too and it just felt weird to be around when his parents were visiting...but whatever. I hope this trip goes well...and if it doesn't at least I have Byron there to keep me sane.

Nothing brings about self-relfection more than someone's passing.

To add to the long list of things we normally do on a weekend, Byron and I added a funeral on Saturday.

Byron's good friend from college died in a really bad car accident on the 27th. She was vacationing in Florida and from what I understood at the wake, she was a really fun girl. I ended up crying more than Byron at her eulogy because everything was just so touching...you could tell that she was loved by many and that she herself loved life.

I admire people that have this great love for life and what's around them. They don't taint the ones around them with their cynicism and really understand that it could be all over in a matter of seconds and that if you aren't living up until that moment...then were you really ever living?

Sigh...RIP Linette. I wish I had met you sooner.

I have a bachelor's degree, a good job, a beautiful house, a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend/fiance, a close circle of friends, no huge problems... I'm so fufilled...

Looking back, I realized that there were moments in time when I would do things just for the drama. There are a lot of people in this world who swear up and down that they've got it harder than everyone else and that makes them "better." I'm admitting right now that I had a pretty easy time growing up. I had parents who supported everything I did from going to all the county fairs I used to sing at to all my winterguard shows (Dayton & Phoenix) to my crossover formal to graduation...and yes, I was handed almost everything on a silver platter. I'm lucky. I know.

There are too many people in the world who do things just for the drama...you're average...so what?

I never have money.

I always eat out for lunch, I pay $200/month for each credit card, I have student loans, I told my parents I'd start paying for my car, I joined a gym, I'm addicted to online shopping, I pay a mortgage, I give my sister money, I pay when my brother goes out...

Does it ever stop?

My dad wasn't even in Union City for Father's day...boo!

No matter though, I spent the morning with the in laws instead. We went to church then had dim sum in Milpitas. It's actually kind of funny because I feel like I go to church with their family more than my own. We spent the afternoon in Union City for some Father's Day bowling with my brother and the Reyes family. Damn...I suck at bowling. Byron made Taryn say "Happy Father's Day" to him because the priest at church said "Happy Father's Day" to the uncles too. Maybe next year babe, maybe next year.

I've had a lot of anxiety lately, mostly because of my job. You know those first couple of months when you really suck because you're still learning the ropes? Well...that's about where I am now, but I'm doing good. Lately I've been thinking about money a lot and I'm seriously considering going bakc to Kiddie Kandids (part-time and only taking pictures), but I don't know if I can negotiate getting paid more than $10/hour. That's really the only way it'll be worth it. We'll see...

I haven't seen Taryn and Royce for 2 weeks. That's TOO DAMN LONG. But that's okay 'cuz I'll see them Sunday.

Work is...work. I hate that first couple weeks when you feel like you don't know shit and it really shows. I know that in the beginning you should "be comfortable with being uncomfortable," so I'm dealing and trying not to think about it so much. After all, it is the weekend.

I'm seriously considering getting my license and selling insurance. What do you think?

NOT COOL: Sitting in my car with the AC blasting...and I'm still hella sweating.

OLDSKOOL vs. NEWSKOOL

What is the big deal? Why can't people move on? That goes for both parties...hate to break it to y'all...but no one gives a fuck about what you did in college. I held on to Chi Delts up until I left SB. I was Urban Coordinator for PCN until I left. I took away many positive attributes that help me today, but you don't see me all up in there business...goodness that was like 4 years ago. And even if they did say something back, does it make them look just so mature? Like they're ready for the bullshit that you encounter in the workplace? You don't see me going up to my manager and running my mouth about how they don't know how it is or that it's different now. NO...my ass would GET FIRED. It's great to have an opinion, but goddamn...choose the time and place...life's too short to be self-righteous about everything. All that shit don't matter in the end.

If you post something on the internet, it's there for everyone to see. If you respond to whatever's posted, then you just stoop to the level of the person who posted it before you. I've been a victim of guestbook tagging and berating, but what I've learned now is that shit won't matter when you're in the Real World. So they have something to say...don't we all? Geez, do us all a favor and grow the fuck up.

I will now welcome any comments, positive or negative.

I got to see my best friend from high school, who currently resides in NYC (Queens, to be exact) and it was great to see her as it always is and now there's plans for me to go for my 25th birthday! Yay me! I haven't been to NY since I was little and my family took a cross country road trip (all 2 months of it) so I'm very excited...hopefully, my supervisor will okay the time off since I'll prolly be one of those schmucks working during the holiday. I also found out that her parents live in Mountain House too! It was a trip being in another home that wasn't ours or the model homes.

Losing weight is like a 24 hour job and shit. I've been trying to be really careful about what I eat and stuff...but damn it's hard. I think the only reason why I lost weight in college was because I was too poor for food! How sad is that?

Every month I go through the same thing...and every month I'm depressed over something I want but can't have. Just because I'm understanding about it doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to have my on feelings about it. I'm starting to feel like there's no plan. There's nothing to look forward to in the future y'all, so let's just sit our asses back down and staring longingly at the past because that's what the focus is.

Or am I being unfair because I've lived away from the watchful eye of my parents? That I actually know what it feels like to live and budget on my own or *gasp* only pay the minimum balance on my credit cards? That I did a majority of my growing and found myself in sunny Santa Barbara? I'm just so fixated on this life I've idealized for myself...when I was done with school, where my "permanent address" isn't my parent's house anymore, when I found a job that didn't make me go crazy...all of this would somehow culminate into this marriage and family I've wanted so badly. I'm realizing that right now, I'm the only one that truly wants this and is ready for it RIGHT NOW.

It's so much easier to see it through the looking glass, but it sucks when you're looking at it alone.

Yes, it's Monday and I'm at home...sick. We had a BBQ yesterday with Byron's family and the girlfriends (Abby & Aimee), which led to me flaking on my mom and felt really bad about it later. We ate so much yesterday, but I feel like I'm the only one whose stomach was just not being good at all. I thought that it would only be a one day thing, but I'm here at home suffering. I'm scared to eat. I HATE THROWING UP, but luckily that hasn't happened yet. It could be a number of different things, but what I think it is...well, I've already said too much. I just needed to get it off my chest because it's been weighing on my mind for the past couple of weeks.

I found a letter that my mom and dad wrote me when I was a Freshman in High School. At that time, I was an ignorant and rebelious teenager, dating someone who my parents could have pressed charges for statutory rape, and just immature. I put my parents through alot that year and even made my dad cry. No one makes my dad cry...he barely did at his parents' funerals. Reading the letter brought me to tears, especially now that I am an adult that can have adult conversations with my parents. They've evolved from parents to people I can see eye to eye with...my friends.

It crazy how we now see what our parents were trying to do for us back then. They were just trying to prevent us from making mistakes and protecting us the best way they know how. Lying in my bed & in my own house made me realize that I'm ready to instill that in someone. This need for me to be married with a child keeps growing more and more everyday...

AHHH...it's nice to have the weekend off.

On Friday, I watched CSUH'S PCN. I really didn't want to because I really want nothing to do with Byron's college life (except for his Alum heads that I hang out with now) and I knew that his ex was a coordinator (I'm being such an adult right now...har har), I just feel really uncomfortable being the only person in his life now that wasn't apart of his life before. It's weird because we know so many of the same people (it's pretty inevitable being that I lived in Union City for 18 years) yet we only really met by chance...you know, if he hadn't been sitting in that audience that fateful August afternoon, who knows how our life could have ended up.

But I digress...I don't know why it bothers me so much. I remember when we first started going out I would look through his billions of albums. He said he was hesitant to show me a few of them because it had pictures of his ex in there and I told him as long as you don't point out who she is, it'll be fine . And of course, his dumbass pointed her out on the first picture. I shut the book. I think now "ignorance is bliss," I wish she didn't have a face to me, I wish that I didn't know that all the stuff he kept from that relationship is in our home, I wish I didn't know anything altogether, but I do realize his past makes him the person he is today and there are so many things to look forward to and dwelling on that shit, whether intentional or not, is just so unhealthy and so not the person I am.

I know that I purposely get him mad whenever we hang out with this college friends because I feel really uncomfortable, regardless of the fact that they have accepted me with open arms and made me feel like family. I don't want to do this anymore...*sigh* something else to work on.

Anyway, the PCN was alright. The acting was FABULOUS...dancing and storyline was okay. I like last year's better.

BYRON: "The pauses are too long between scenes."
ME: "Maybe you should take up that issue with the coordinator."
BYRON: "Um yeah...I won't be doing that."

For all inquiring minds that want to know...I am training to become a Claims Adjuster for Allstate Insurance. If you know anyone that is currently looking for employment (and has a bachelor's degree) there are 3 (yes, 3) openings in our Livermore office. It would be a great opportunity for those who were thinking about moving up here (but I'm not gonna hold my breath!), so if you know anyone...please let me know!

Thanks for all the support guys...I labs you all!

Hello my peepoles!

I've done everything I said I was going to do...

New Job...got it!
New Body...joined a gym today, plan on going Mon-Sat for at least an hour

I am going to concentrate on myself for the next couple of months. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and not really knowing why...so if anyone wants to follow my lead, please do!

Yay! I have coworkers I can bullshit with now! My eyes are so tired from staring at the computer all day! I stopped by my old work today...I'm such a dork!

Stolen from BOS

Current mood - lethargic
Current music - VH1
Current taste - bathroom cleaner (bleh!)
Current hair - in a ponytail
Current clothes - blue sweatshorts & an old Chi Delt Rush shirt
Current annoyance - dishes that WEREN'T done last night
Current smell - bathroom cleaner
Current thing I ought to be doing - cleaning the bedroom now that the bathroom is clean
Current windows open - Blogger
Current desktop picture - that chick from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
Current favorite band - U2
Current book - The Da Vinci Code
Current cd in stereo - John Mayer
Current crush - the Arrowhead guy (haha!)
Current hate - cleaning my bathroom

DO I
Do drugs? no(t anymore)
Have a dream that keeps coming back? - yeah...about having babies
Read the newspaper? - on Sundays
Have any gay or lesbian friends? - look who you're asking
Believe in miracles? - will believe when I see
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? - yes
Consider yourself tolerant of others? - I was a manager that worked with kids AND parents all day. So, the answer is yes.
Consider love a mistake? - it might be a mistake, but it's worth making.
Like the taste of alcohol? - sure, why not?
Have a favorite candy? - Hugs
Believe in astrology? - not really...I just like to read that stuff
Believe in magic? - what kind of magic?
Believe in God? - I believe there is something out there bigger than all of us.
Have any pets? - does at my parents house count?
Go to or plan to go to college? - i just realized that I graduated 3 years ago. Where does the time go?
Have any piercings? - 2 holes in each ear.
Hate yourself - No
Have an obsession? - right now, it's online shopping
Have a secret crush? - uh...
Do they know yet? - uh...
Care about looks? - I care about my looks

LOVE LIFE
Ever been in love? - still am :)
Do you believe in love at first sight? - Taryn & Royce
Do you believe in "the one?" - I think I may have found him
Describe your ideal significant other - someone more like me that can put up with my shit.

JUICY STUFF
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing? - I don't like to call it a game so much as foreplay.
Have you ever been intoxicated? - If I had a nickel for everytime...

LAST THING YOU
Bought - clothes online yesterday
Ate - popcorn last night
Drank - fruit juice
Read - Miah's journal
Watched on tv - Ultrasound on MTV2

EITHER/ OR
club or houseparty - house party
drinks or shots - both
cats or dogs - dogs
pen or pencil - pencil
gloves or mittens - gloves
food or candy - both
cassette or cd - CD
coke or pepsi - water

LAST PERSON YOU
talked to - Byron
hugged - Byron
instant messaged - Jon

WHERE DO YOU
eat - wherever when the urge strikes
cry - in bed
wish you were - I usually say "at home" but that's where I am right now

HAVE YOU EVER
Dated one of your best friends? - yeah, in high school and most of college
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? - yes
Drank alcohol? - how many alcohol questions are on this thing anyway?
Done drugs? - Man, talk about repeating questions
Broken the law? - Moving violations count?
Run away from home? - naw
Broken a bone? - no, thank goodness
Played Truth Or Dare? - yes...back in seventh grade and shit.
Kissed someone you didn't know? - no, they kissed me though
Been in a fight? - not like a fist fight
Come close to dying? - no

WHAT IS
The most embarrassing CD in your collection? - I dunno
Your bedroom like? - So messy, it used to have a bunch of clean clothes in laundry baskets at the foot of the bed, but they were all folded and put away by yours truly.
Your favorite thing for breakfast? - coffee
Your favorite restaurant? - Chili's

RANDOM QUESTIONS
What's on your bedside table? - clock, phone, cell phone, night cream for my knees
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? - ice cream
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie? - Jerry Maguire
What is your biggest fear? - not having kids
What feature are you most insecure about? - my tummy
Do you ever have to beg? - like I'm gonna tell y'all
Are you a pyromaniac? - no
Do you know anyone famous? - no
Describe your bed - big with a dark man snoring on it
Spontaneous or plain? - I'm not spotaneous anymore, too old for that shit
Do you know how to play poker? - yes, but if I'm good at it is another question.
What do you carry with you at all times? - my cell phone
What do you miss most about being little? - not being an adult
Are you happy with your given name? - I didn't like it before, but you don't meet very many Filipinas named Dawn. It's more of a white name.
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year? - ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.
What color is your bedroom? - white
Do you talk a lot? - Sometimes I don't shut up
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? - Yes
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? - No
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? - For the most part, yes.
Do you spend more time with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your friends? - I spend alot of time with Byron by virtue of us living together.
Are you a tease? - I don't think so...at least, not anymore.
Make the first move? - If I'm tired of waiting...yes.

I'M FREEEEEEEE!

Officially umemployed until Monday!

Yay...Jasmine went home (I'm such a hater)!

I was on the damn phone last night for a good 2 hours trying to vote for Fantasia Barrino so that she could stay for the final and win that shit.

You'd think that 2 hours on the phone, I placed a vote....NOPE. I wish her all the luck in the world, but if the world was fair at all...Jasmine's ass would be on a plane back to Hawaii tonight.

commentary:
For all you Filipinos out there...STOP SUPPORTING JASMINE TRIAS. Seriously. I think we as a community have royally fucked ourselves by allowing this to continue. I'm all for seeing a pinay in the spotlight, but she has probably become the most hated contestant in AI history and the Filipino & Hawaiian community has ruined it all for us. Stop the madness...wote for someone you know is good, not someone you know is Filipina (but hasn't really mentioned that, but that's a whole other can of worms).

Thanks Regan

Name Four Bad Habits You Have :
1. picking scabs
2. eating junk food
3. not folding laundry after it's been washed & dried
4. not exercising

Name Four Things That You Wish You Had :
1. a baby (bet you saw that one coming)
2. more time in the day
3. the ability to to transport myself in the blink of an eye like in Star Trek
4. the body I had my senior year of high school

Name Four Scents You Love :
1. Byron after a shower
2. Rocyeeboy
3. Mango Body Butter
4. Grandma's cooking

Name Four Things You'd Never Wear :
1. Plaid golf pants
2. Ugly shoes
3. Cowboy hat (just doesn't look right)
4. Basketball jersey

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now :
1. What to cook for dinner
2. My last day tomorrow
3. Giving myself a foot treatment
4. Cleaning the oven (damn, it's like a 2 day project and shit)

Name Four Things That You Have Done Today :
1. Went to work
2. Bought lunch for Liz & Princeza
3. Talked to Byron about not going to his softball game
4. Checked other people's journals

Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought :
1. Clothes from Old Navy
2. Meat Calzone at Me & Ed's
3. Pepsi
4. Rice Krispy Treat

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink :
1. water
2. coffee
3. juice
4. soda

First Grade Teacher's Name:
Mrs. Hebel

Last Words You Said:
"Good Luck at your game tonight. I love you!"

Last Song You Sang:
”Oh Baby bring it all to me. Gimme your time, your love, your space, your energy.”

Last Person You Hugged:
Jimmy (one of my associates since I wasn't going to see him on my last day)

Last Thing You Laughed At:
Liz talking about her first ICP concert

Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It:
An hour ago

Last Time You Cried:
Sometime last week

What's In Your CD Player:
John Mayer - Room for Squares

What Color Socks Are You Wearing:
White ankle socks that are grey at the toe & heel

What's Under Your Bed:
Closet doors (don't ask)

What Time Did You Wake Up Today:
7:00 am

Current Taste:
Uh...I dunno.

Current Hair:
Just got a hair cut...cut about 3 inches off and it's layered with grown-out highlights.

Current Clothes:
Kiddie Kandids uniform

Current Annoyance:
The spot on my thumb where I pulled out a hangnail. It's pretty sore now.

Current Longing:
Read my journal and figure it out.

Current Desktop Picture:
That chick from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" on her hands and knees with a tank top and a thong on.

Current Worry:
My sister and my brother.

Current Hate:
Stupid ass parents.

Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex:
Hands...big hands mean...better massages.

Last CD You Bought:
Jason Mraz - Waiting for My Rocket to Come

Favorite Place To Be:
At home with Byron

Least Favorite Place:
Work

If You Could Play An Instrument:
Guitar, mos def

Favorite Color:
Right now, it's pink...may change later

Do You Believe In An Afterlife:
Yup

How Tall Are You :
5'3", but my license say 5'4"

Current Favorite Word/Saying:
Anything with "bitch" or "bitches" tagged to the end

Favorite Season:
Fall

One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To:
My Hallmates from UCSB

Favorite Day:
Sunday

Where Would You Like To Go:
Europe

What Is Your Career Going To Be Like:
not boring

How Many Kids Do You Want:
As many as I'm blessed with

Favorite Car:
2001 Celica GT named Lucky

A Random Lyric :
"I'm addicted to you...don't you know that you're toxic? And I love what you do...don't you know that it's toxic?" -Britney Spears

Identify Some Of The Things Surrounding Your Computer:
Checkbooks, Framed pictures, Bills, Can of Pens, Printer, Me

2 more days...

...and I am up out this bitch! I had lunch with Cindee (my boss) and Jose (BRU Manager), saw my girl Lisa (the new San Jose manager) and just enjoyed being here, which is something that I actually took for granted being that more than half the time I wanted to be somewhere else. But, like I said many, many times before, it's just time for me to move on, to have some kind of continuity in my life and to just focus on the important things that I've lost touch with along the way. Namely, my friends from college and MINDSTATE.

MINDSTATE...I miss those guys. I really do. So much has changed over the past 5 years and those guys truly showed me how to have fun and not take myself so seriously. I feel so out of touch with them and it's not like I can't pick up the phone and call...but with my fucked up schedule, I don't even know how I had time to breathe. Maybe it'll change...

I have this feeling a new challenge is on the horizon...and it has nothing to do with my job.

Time will tell if my gut feeling is right.

CHANGE

I always envisioned it to happen a different way and with this reflection I hope that things will only get more challenging for me. Even at 24 years I still am not sure where I fit in, but I know that everyday I get closer and closer to my place in life. The only constant thing in my life other than my family was change. In fact, looking back on the past year, that’s all I really knew. My job changed, my home changed, even my family changed. I moved out of my parent’s house to another permanent residence, unlike in college when I was just moving around from apartment to apartment. I changed jobs from something that was more along the lines of my major to something that had nothing to do with it at all. My family has become bigger, with Byron’s help. I’ve learned to embrace change and know that’s just the way it’s going to be.

  HAPPPY 1st BIRTHDAY ROYCEE BOY!

This time next week, I will no longer be employed with Kiddie Kandids. *teardrop* I get 4 fabulous days off (not to mention a fucking awesome last paycheck thanks to the saved up PTO) and start at Allstate on Monday. Yay DAWN!

I'll miss seeing babies everyday (now I'm just stuck to the weekends I see Princess Taryn & Roycedizzle), but maybe that'll snap me back to the reality that Byron's in or make the baby lust worse, who knows. My time at Kiddie Kandids was a good time...now it's time to move on.

Poor babe is sick 'cuz of his allegeries, so I came home to him snoring. I hope he feels better when he wakes up. These damn allergies are kicking my ass too.

Why don't people update! I'm bored y'all!

Stolen from ROB (I'm so bored!)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Not having kids
02 | Snakes
03 | Cockroaches (bleh!)
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Byron
02 | Jimbo & Tony
03 | Taryn & Royce
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | Byron
02 | My Family
03 | My Friends
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | Stupid People
02 | Rich, White Parents
03 | Not Getting What I Want
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | Byron
02 | Some Parents
03 | French
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 | Checkbooks
02 | Pictures of Me & Byron
03 | Computer
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | Doing Laundry
02 | Squirming 'cause my tailbone is sore
03 | Thinking about paying bills
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | Get married & Have a family
02 | Learn to cook like my grandma
03 | Record an entire album
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | Take Pictures of Babies
02 | Sing & Dance
03 | Make some BOMB-ASS spare ribs
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | Blunt
02 | Don't take shit from nobody
03 | Can't ask for what I want
--------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | Think of myself first
02 | Dance the way I did in High School
03 | Get up after 8am
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | Your Heart
02 | John Mayer
03 | Jason Mraz
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | What everyone else says
02 | George W. Bush
03 | J Lo
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | "What did I say?" (instead of "I told you so!")
02 | "Oh...my goodness"
03 | "Uh Oh!"
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Chocolate
02 | Cali Rolls with Tobiko
03 | Meat Calzones from Me & Eds
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 | How to change my oil
02 | How to play baseball correctly
03 | How to cook like my grandma
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | Water
02 | Coffee
03 | Coke or Pepsi
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | Full House
02 | Perfect Strangers
03 | Cosby Show
------------------------------------------------------------

COUNTDOWN TO LAST DAY:9 days

I hate this feeling. I know what needs to be done and I don't think that it's fair that everything rides on my shoulders. Am I expecting too much?

FRIENDS finale was exactly what I wanted it to be: Rachel and Ross together forever. Byron said it was too predictable, but I don't think that I would have wanted it to end any other way. *sigh* I need a new hobby for Thursday night.

Worked a 12 hour shift today, but I'm in a pretty good mood because I know that 11 days from now I'll be throwing a peace sign up to Kiddie Kandids and having a glorious 4 days off! The Rentar girls came in and I got to see my goddaughter. Byron was holding her the whole time and she didn't cry once. He must have felt really good about that...they were so cute together. One day man, ONE DAY... At least he's starting to break down...and the fact that I'm starting a new job helps alot too!

I put the comment thingy there for a reason...use it bitches! jk *smooches!*

I found out some shit yesterday that really pissed me off...up until today. Now, I'm just kinda hurt because the person who said this about me I respected in many ways, but not so much anymore.

Here's the story:
On Monday, I put my 2 weeks notice at my work because I got a job at Allstate (M-F; 8:30-5...woohoo!). I'm pretty tight with my boss so everything went really well and she wasn't as upset as I thought she would be. But then I get this call yesterday from my girl Meisha and she tells me that my boss was upset because I didn't tell her boss that I was looking for a new job. So I'm thinking What the fuck? I'm supposed to tell your boss that I'm looking for a new job? This was bullshit. I'm not contractually obligated to tell her boss shit, so she can kiss my ass. I've been totally honest with her about everything that I was feeling about Kiddie Kandids, she knew that I wasn't completely happy and that I was putting my resume out to see what hits I would get and she had that nerve to talk behind my back to a close friend of mine? How fucking professional is that? I thought that I had a good relationship with my boss up until that point and I have no desire to talk to her or see her, all I want to do is work my 2 weeks out and be up out of there.

What sucks even more is that it strained our relationship and I was hoping that we could hang out and shit even though I didn't work for her anymore. I'm not gonna talk to her about it because I don't think that I should have to. I'm fucking tired of being the bigger person and if she had issues she should have talked to me. Another one bites the dust, I guess.

I may be cynical, but I think that eldery people and gas stoves are a VERY BAD IDEA. Someone should have told my mom that before remodeling.

As a request from the reegsta, I have now placed link so you all can place comments. If you are a hater visiting my site, please don't leave negative comments annoymously. Just have some balls and leave your full name...spanks.

A couple of days ago, I was looking through my phonebook on my cell phone and I realized that I don't really speak to half of the people that I have numbers for. So, I decided to take some "friend inventory" which makes me think of who came into my life so quickly, impacted me for the time being and how easily some of those relationships slipped away. Needless to say, my phone book is not nearly as packed as it used to be and with every name I went through I noticed that I had some sort of memory about them. I had a bunch of old co-workers on my phone (from Seneca days), guys I used to talk to back in SB (I'm such a pimp...jk), classmates, high school folks, etc. I never realized how many people I knew and coming from someone who's felt more than alienated lately, it was kind of an ego boost. I know that I can make friends very easily and I know that I mean something to at least 5 people out there (not including my family or Byron). It makes me think that I don't really need people to tell me that their life is a horrible mess without me, but that they're at least better off for having known me.

I highly suggest to you all to look at your cell phones and erase the numbers that you don't call anymore. It'll make you realize that the people you do call mean that much more.

I hope that I'm not overreacting. I think that part of me may be and I'll admit it. But sometimes I feel taken for granted. I think about so much when I'm by myself, almost to the point of insanity, but I've gotten better at keeping it under wraps.

This wasn't the case this week.

Maybe it's because a new change is on the horizon or the fact that I'm truly feeling tired and burnt out from work, but whatever the reason, I feel like it's gonna take some time before this feeling goes away. How do you ask for something that you need and actually get it? I've been trying to figure that out for days and for days I've been going crazy because the answer isn't as clear as I'd like it to be. For a long time, I've felt like something was missing. There is a void that needs to be filled and I don't know how or what to fill it with. I think a much needed vacation is due, some time for me and only me. I was talking to my friend Tricia today (the first Evangelista I've lived with..ha) and I told her that. She said, "But Dawn, you're not." I'm in denial about alot of things, and I'm starting to realize that whatever I feel, I'm creating for myself. Lately, I've been feeling like someone is putting himself WAY before me and being incredibly selfish with his time. I don't know how to get over this. I haven't talked to him since I left this morning, but it's not like he tried to call me either.

MIAH: Thanks for calling and checking in with me. Miss you mucho!

*hee hee* I'm soooo excited!

I don't even really give a fuck that my one of my associates is gonna be late!

"I'm up out this bitch!"

-Me to one of the BRU managers as I was checking out

I'm sad.

I'm sad because I talked to my lil sis Margarita...and I truly realized how much I miss her to the point where it actually hurts. Some people just don't know how lucky they are to see their college friends on the regular and bullshit with them whenever they please. Damn, I remember when I used to be able to do that, but now it requires so much planning to just even see them for a few days (like when Miah came to see me LAST MAY). Shit. I suppose that was the down side of me moving away from home to go to school, but the memories will last a lifetime...

At least I can say, "Hey, remember when..." or "Dood we did some stupid ass-shit when..." I cherish my memories as much as my true friends, but in a time where I don't see my friends as much as I'd like...

*sigh* The memories will just have to do.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that my thoughts can potentially kill me if I'm not careful. ACK...I better than that. I come up with the most stupid shit sometimes and in addition to that I become WAY insecure. I think that I've gotten a handle on not taking stuff personally, but when it rains it pours.

Do you ever feel like your being watched...or like someone's keeping tabs on you? I dunno man...people are prolly reading my shit, but then again maybe not.

There are a few people that you cross paths with who makes you feel so much better for having known them. For me, that's my MIT Liz. I love this girl, I swear she's just like a skinny white version of me. Just knowing her for the past 3 weeks has made me a better person. I've always been afraid of letting people down, putting their needs before mine and just thinking of others beside myself. Liz has taught me that it's more than just okay to put yourself first, it's something you have to do.

With that, I pray that it all goes well for me tomorrow. I would like the opportunity to start the life that I want to have: M-F, 9-5 job, marriage, & kids...

I can't wait 'til I can have sex again...sheesh 24 more hours.

When you were little, possibly 1st or 2nd grade, you said, "When I grow up, I wanna be __________." Here I am, 24 years old and I still can't fill in the blank. I know that there are alot of things that I like to do, but no real desire to work towards something. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that hasn't got a clue of where I envision myself. Right now, all I'm sure of is that I want a Monday to Friday, 9 to 5 job. Retail hours fucking suck. Props to those who can do it, but I just can't anymore. About the only thing besides my family that I know is going to be there for the long haul is Byron. I'm going to marry this man and have babies with him. Maybe that's all I really wanted for myself...to be loved and to give that same love right back.

"For once in my life, I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Would make my dreams come true

For once in my life, I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before
For once, I have something I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore

For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, i have someone who needs me"

-Stevie Wonder, For Once In My Life

I gotta lose some weight...even Byron's parents said something today :(

I went to church on Good Friday and Easter Sunday only to realize that I really should start going again. I think that I'm at a place in my life where I'm ready for my faith again. I just need the right kind of parish/church and I think that we found it today. When I was little, I did the whole "Raise a Catholic Child" thing - baptism, confession, communion, youth ministry, confirmation - which led to me never going through college (not even on the major Christian holidays). I knew too much about Catholicism and the real world. I just didn't fit in anymore. I think that the best way to sum it up was a line from Dogma: "Faith is like a glass. When you're small, the glass is small and it doesn't take much to fill it. As you get older, the glass gets bigger and it takes a bit more to fill." I'm not saying that I completely agree with all aspects of Catholicism, but if it taught me anything important, it was how to have faith.

I've always been envious of those whose faith is so strong and unfettered. I longed for that, but didn't know how to get there. Looking back on it all, it was just a matter of time. And the time is now.

I need this all to some how end up the way that I want it to.

Dawn Marie Ramirez Soria

The first name of Dawn leads you to assume considerable responsibility and to prefer to work independently, without direction or interference from others because you have very definite ideas of your own. Your mind is quick to comprehend and you can be depended upon to do any job well. Because you tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist, you might insist on doing too many things yourself instead of delegating jobs to others who might do less satisfactory work. This name does make you quite direct and straight-to-the-point.

Your name of Marie has created a practical, responsible, stable nature, and you desire to direct the efforts of others rather than to take order or ask permission. You have a determined, self-reliant, capable nature and resent any interference, although in your desire to help you are inclined to become involved in the lives and decisions of other people. You like to make your own decisions and to be the master of your domain. You feel a limitation in your own expression when it is necessary to reach another through tact and understanding.

Your name of Ramirez makes you very idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others. You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry. Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines. You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones.

Your name of Soria has created a deep, sensitive, refined nature with an intelligent mind. As you are particularly clever along business lines, and have mathematical ability and a keen appreciation of material values, you are inclined towards the business world. You would do well in a managerial position, as you have executive ability and a poised manner able to take charge and see that procedures are followed. You appreciate the finer things of life and look for quality in your material possessions. Your sensitivity and rather reserved manner make it very difficult for people really to know you.

Cool man. What does your name mean?

I'm full from lunch with Mr. Rentar and all I wanna do is sleep. Man, only 2 more hours then I get to go home...woohoo! I'm still waiting to hear back from UOP and I have an interview with US Bank on Tuesday. Yay. I get to drive up to Sac.

I was kinda surprised that Ron wanted to have lunch today, but then again I'm not. After all, I am his youngest daughter's ninang. Geez, kids grow up so fast. I look at Taryn and I still remember the day she was born. She was so tiny. She's still pretty petite, but that girl can talk your ear off if you let her. It's funny how time flies...

I wish that I could turn back the hands of time
And just erase the memory of you out of my mind

I think that my efforts to find a new job have been pretty much governed by one thing. No, it's not because I think my job sucks now or that I want a new career (well, maybe that's part of the reason). I've been actively searching for new work because I want to have a baby. Even though it has already been discussed that Byron's real reason for not being ready is mental and not financial, I still think that a better paying job equals having a baby.

I think that it's because that would be easier to fix. But what fixes someone that's not mentally ready?

Answer: TIME. Damn.

I don't like my body. I just don't feel motivated to do anything about it. SO who even knows if I'm going to do anything about it. I'm so tired when I get home...all I want to do is sleep.

I just finished writing a thank-you letter for that interview I had on Friday. She said that she didn't have an immediate opening, but she knew that she would need someone soon (I guess they're letting someone go or reconfiguring the department). She said that there is going to be at least 1 more interview and that she would be in contact with me by Wednesday.

Woo hoo. I get to close tonight. I hate closing. I hate retail. I don't mind talking to people and being nice and friendly to them, but I do mind being treated like shit and still have a smile on my face. Damn, I miss colleagues.

My allergies suck a big fat one...and I could only take one Benadryl because I need to stay up at work. Geez, I can't win today...although I did do pretty well at my interview this morning. It didn't suck royally like the other one did. I vibed really well with the hiring manager and smiled the whole time. And I was there for 2 frickin' hours. Now that's gotta be a good sign. She basically made it sound like she would have hired me on the spot if it was up to her, but she had to talk to her boss...so things are finally looking up. I think I may have another interview, so wish me the best and cross your fingers (all 7 of you, ha!)

Why is sex such a touchy subject for people? I mean...you do it or you don't...and I don't think there's such a thing as a "bad" lover...maybe an untrained/uneducated one (and I've had many, believe me)...so not all hope is lost. All you have to do is ask "what do you want?" and actually do it. A big part of a sexual relationship is actually getting off on the fact that your significant other is getting off. Like your girlfriend is screaming and moaning and your like "Dude, I'm making her do that!" Take pleasure in giving pleasure and trust me...your sex life will improve dramatically.

And that's the public service announcement for today.

I broke a plastic fork trying to eat my calzone...and it cut my finger. Son of a bitch.

Nobody should care about what I think or what I say...and if you do, I don't think that it's in your best interest to give me all of that power. I don't let anyone measure my worth, so why would anyone let me measure theirs? It just doesn't make any sense.

I'm gonna talk out of my ass like I always do with no apologies or regrets. I don't care about your life...so why care about mine?

Leave it alone...please. I'm too old for this shit.

I want the new (well, newer than Room for Squares) John Mayer CD! Why is he so tight? Why is he such a good singer/writer/musician? Why can't more guys be like him and Jason Mraz? Why?

Right now...
feelin' tired...wishin' that it was Tuesday...glad that I'm alive...excited about Friday...loved by many especially Byron...stuffed with McDonald's...watchin' the Simpsons...keepin' it real...

Exactly how I feel right now...

"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return."

-John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

Ugh...she didn't even come through yesterday (my boss that is), but she's coming today so I'll be seeing her in about and hour or so. If she's coming with the news that she's leaving, then I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll do. I feel like I always come to these crossroads and at the same time in the year too. I don't know if it's something about Spring and starting shit anew.

I got an unexpected call today...and now I have an in-person interview on Friday morning. I'm looking forward to it...but I'm not going to get my hopes up. Which leads me to my dilemma...if my boss comes in and says she's staying, it'll be all good...I could interview without the extra mental baggage. But what happens if she is leaving and they want to promote me? Do I really want to keep a job that impedes on my days off like it does now? Too much thinking makes me anxious...I'll just take it a day at a time.

Although...if I do *crosses fingers* get the job i interview for on Friday, babe & I would be at rival schools...now that's some funny shit.

I was creating a deadline calendar for my fellow managers (partly because I'm an over-achiever) and I usually add my boss' schedule on there so it's all on one calendar. She had sent out this month's and next month's and I was thinking Damn, she made a schedule for next month so I guess she's staying. I was really bummed out...but whatever I got over it. I didn't notice this before, but when I was looking at her next month's schedule and her name wasn't in the corner (and it usually is) and the notes section said "Subject to Change."

Hmm... I thought. Does that mean she's still may be going to Utah? She's supposed to come in today with my review...hopefully she comes in with different news too...

LOVE ME because I'm a selfless and caring person.
HATE ME because I'm highly-opinionated and will tell it like it is.
RESPECT ME because I'm intelligent and full of potential.
DISS ME because I'm better than you and you just can't handle it.

I lent Nelson some money today. It was strange that he asked and knowing the type of person he is, it must have swallowed alot of his pride to do it. But I know that if I was in the same situation, he would do it for me.

It's good to be friends with your ex.

"It's like being with your best friend everyday...and she let's you touch her boobs too!"
-Homer Simpson on being married

I don't know how I'm going to get through these next 2 weeks...ARGH! I saw an old associate from the Union City store when I was an MIT there for like 3 weeks (damn, that was like a year ago) and she asked me how long I was going to work here. I just looked at her and said, "I got a house payment...I just can't be up and leaving a job like that." As irritated and stressed out this job makes me, I know in my heart that it's going to lead to something good. I've always trusted my gut feeling and it's never led me astray...someone somewhere is gonna hook it up...so I'll just wait. You know that saying Good things come to those who wait is so fucking true that it's scary.

Byron and I went to the new model houses that opened up at Mountain House. There was one that we liked in particular and he said something to me that kinda took me by surprise.

(subject change) Okay, parents...I don't know why you people think that it's perfectly OKAY to touch my fucking props and come into my studio how ever the hell you please. The props are not toys and you are sending the message to your kids that it's OKAY to touch other people's things WITHOUT permission. Tak a goddamn parenting class. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK!(end subject change)

I'm too pissed off to continue...sorry y'all.

God damn...3 shits at work? Ha ha...I know that's TMI, but whatever. This is my blog dammit and I'll put whatever the hell I want. Been workin' like a mad woman and doing something that I never thought I'd do...work more than 40 hours a week! It's not like I'm hourly or anything, so after the 40 hours I'm basically working for free. Damn you salaried pay! *shakes fist*

I've been less edgy this week, which is a good thing (especially for Byron). Stressing out about shit I can't control has been the theme for the past couple months and now that I've figured out that it's just wasted energy, I've pretty much stopped. As much as I'd love to be promoted within the next 3 weeks, I can't hold my breath and I know my time will come. I've reached this sort of eerie calm lately, partly because I'm finally getting my store back to the way it was and I really don't mind the late hours because there is light at the end of the tunnel and I see it. I didn't see it before, but now I do and that's more than enough motivation to do well.

As for Byron and I...we'll be fine. We always seem to come out on top and the bottom line is that we come home to each other. I'm sorry for all the stupid fights that we've been having, but I guess that we've just hit that comfortable point in our relationship. We're just in dire need of a vacation...and June can't come soon enough.

Did You Know...

If I was living in SANDY, UT and making $40,000 per year...that would equal $63,136 in TRACY, CA. Can you believe that?

October 26, 2003...Dawn wrote:

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

There's a good chance of promotion happening very soon (within the next month or so) and I'm crossing my fingers that it's actually going to happen. As you can see my anniversary date of March 17 is quickly approaching...I'm not a regular church-goer (although I should be), but I'll be praying every night.

I hope that my boss doesn't change her mind.

I have much respect for people who don't take shit from anyone, have much to say even if it can be very unpopular and controversial, who take responsibility for their actions and that on top of all of that still have a sense of humor about it all.

Someone like me, I guess :)

My judgment is this...we're very similar people. Scary, huh?

I just have one more thing to add to my previous post. It has come to my attention, that some people just have a hard ass time letting shit go. I, for one have been guilty as charged, BUT guess what...I got over it. Did he beat you? Did he try to get you pregnant every chance he got just so you wouldn't leave? Did he try to kill himself in front of you, not once, but twice? Did he push you out of his car numerous times? Did he publicly embarrass you by pushing you into lockers and sucker punching the guy he thought you were cheating on him with? Did he cheat on you? Shit, this was my very first serious relationship...

Everyone's entitled to their own experiences...hell, I shouldn't be judging anyone...yet there are still more important things in this world. This is the first time I've ever talked about this particular guy.

And this will be the last. Let it go.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Your future occupation by meteoric
Your name
Your future occupation	Manager
Yearly income	$293,040
Hours per week you work	49
Education	College graduate
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

DAMMIT!

You're not going to be there forever. You're better than that. You have so much potential that it actually scares people. It will happen for you. It will happen.

Sometimes you need those daily affirmations...you know?

I want to talk about my relationship with Byron. I'm sitting at my parents house on my day off, listening to Taryn watch Teletubbies and I would like to talk about our relationship. At the age of 24, I feel that emotionally I've come full-circle...I'm definitely more patient and rational than I used to be, have a higher tolerance for certain behaviors, and have come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON. I understand that love is relative...it's not only this strong emotion that connects you to another person, but lifestyle as well. It's something that you grow into in time and you either fit or you don't. It's something that you're always working on and constantly making better...when you lose the desire to make it better then maybe it's really over. Love to me is a journey, not a destination. I used to think that I'd find love and that would pretty much be it for the rest of my life. I don't know if any of this is making sense and I could go on and on by comparing what I have now to what I had then, but what good would that bring? I know that what I felt at the time was what I thought was love AT THAT TIME. Who gives a fuck if I knew better or not at the time? I hate how people talk about "I wasted my time on him...blah blah blah." Okay, so you're obviously a completely different person than who you are now...shit, that's a part of growing. But you gotta remember that it was you BACK THEN that was in love, not the you NOW.

I'm happy because I've evolved into a person who is in love and will continue to be in love with Byron. I'm happy that I met him when I did because he evolved into a great guy too!

I absolutely despise certain white people. Whatever, man. Call me a racist if you want, but I have no respect or tolerance for those white people who feel that they have established an "alternative" way to raise their children. These same people allow their 3-year-old to make a decision...if you ask them if they want to take a picture, they're gonna say no...they also do not how to properly give a time-out...just ignore them people...and they allow their children to run a muck and destroy other epole's property. What kind of child-rearing is that?

Some people just shouldn't be parents...

"Wasn't it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not for me. All things were gonna happen naturally. Oh, taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side and balancing the whole thing. But often times those words, get tangled up in the lines and the bright light turns to night..."

*Sigh* When is it gonna happen for me...

Anxiety has become a familiar feeling to me. That sucks. But on the bright side...my ad went on Craiglist today and hopefully I will have a sleu of applicants pouring in. Maybe in 2 weeks I'll have a full staff along with an MIT.

Babe's so cute...he wanted to make adobo tonight but decided on tomorrow instead. I told him that I would be home and could make it for him and he said, "No. I want to make it myself." He kinda messed up the last time, so he was asking me in the car if we had all the ingredients. I also reminded him that he needed equal parts of soy & vinegar, you know, just to make sure he's successful this time around. Aw...what a sweetie.

I love you. Thanks for putting up with me.

It's not about YOU, it's about ME.

It's like the kettle calling the pot black...

Sad, ain't it?

Me: Lisa's quitting. Her last day is the 27th.
Babe: Aw...for real?
Me: Yeah. Dude, I feel like my right arm's been ripped off.
Babe: What? What happened? Did you hurt yourself? Is it like stinging or something?
Me: No! It's like a metaphor!
Babe: Ohh...I get it.

Don't laugh. My boss said the same shit too. But it is sad because I love Lisa so much and I've become so accustomed to seeing her everyday (she's my manager-in-training). I don't want her to become one of those friends that I lose contact with...but that's up to me right?

So...if you know anyone that's looking to go in management...HOLLA!

People in Dublin are so snobby. Especially the older women, you know, the grandmothers that come in buying all sorts of baby items for their grandchildren knowing full well that the child will not be small long enough to use all the items. It's those same women that tend to look down on me, making me feel like anyone can do my job and as they turn their noses up and look away, their grandchild gives me the hugest smile that only I could get out of them. And it's those same women, who drool over each picture and thank me endlessly for perfectly catching a "moment." Those women look forward to our next visit and I can only hope that they feel like shit for the way they treated me when they first walked in.

And all I can do is smile.

I suck because I'm fucking working on my day off.

No matter though...I'm getting off early on Saturday! We'll actually make it to a baby shower on time...yay!

"You and I both loved...
What you and I spoke of...
And others just read of...
And if you could see me now...
Well...I'm already finally out of words."

Must. survive. 2. more. hours. of. work.

And this is how I spent my Valentine's Day.

I had a good conversation yesterday. It was probably the most Byron has opened up and said to me in a long time. I feel good and I didn't really cringe while he was talking about his exes (well, ex). I guess it's true that some people can't stay friends or be friends with their exes. But for me, there are just some people I can't see not in my life, regardless of the evolution of our relationship.

Go figure :P

Is it so fucking hard to do something for someone else without caring about if it'll fuckin' benefit them or not? I am impatient because I just don't have the energy to be patient anymore.

I have needs too...DAMN IT!

I've been away from home too long. Instead of going home like everyone else did after the District Meetings, guess where I am...that's right...work. Although I do have to say that my motivation has come back slightly. I can't make my life go the way I want it to, so I'm just gonna sit back and let it all unfold the way it's supposed to. I'm tired of being stressed out for no reason, tired of being depressed over shit I can't control, and tired of just being a little bitch all together. There's so much more to life then this...and I'm just gonna live it.

Now...if only time could move faster so I can see my Byron.

"Today you may find yourself wondering about some questions, DAWN, but it will be hard to put them into words. You're concerned about your emotional security, as it is not very well defined in your life at the moment. However, it will probably be impossible to resolve anything completely today. Wait a few days. Your feelings will be a lot clearer, and the answers to your questions will be all the more obvious to you."

compliments of Astrocenter.com

I don't know what irritates me more...
People that don't listen...or people that make it excruciatingly obvious that they aren't listening.

On a different note, I will be spending 2 nights away from my bed partner. *Sigh* I miss him already.

I don't know if I could do the long distance relationship thing again. It was hard on me the first time (leading to its subsequent break-up) and difficult the second time (I cheated, damn). It's not even an option anymore...and I hardly think a job is worth all that trouble. I mean the opportunity is there and pretty much guaranteed, but something in my gut and my heart is telling me that it's just not worth it.

Even though I'm unhappy at work, I'm happy at home. As much as I'd love both, moving away could lead me to be unhappy with everything.

And the job search continues...

Here I am at a crossroads again. I feel like I'm never truly satisfied with what I have. I feel like I've been applying everywhere and haven't heard anything. It's hard to be positive when nothing positive has really happened. I wish that I had one of those Magic 8 balls to tell me that everything will be O.K. and that I shouldn't be stressing over what I can't control.

It's funny how I depend on something and/or someone else to validate my feelings when I can totally do it on my own.

Here I am at work again...closing for the 2nd time this week. I have this eerie feeling that I may be by myself tomorrow...I hate that feeling. Ugh. I try to keep a positive outlook on life, hoping that someday something will fall into my lap. Did you ever wish that you had a crystal ball that could look into the future so you could see if things would go you're way or not? I wish I did right now. ugh...

The last hour of work always drags...damn.

15 more minutes and I get to clean up. This night seemed like it dragged on forever...I hate closing sometimes because a minute feels like an hour and and hour feels like an eternity. I've lost alot of motivation here. Sad. I should be getting pulls or calling birthday club, but no...I'm blogging away and filling out job applications. Tomorrow, I'm going to Pleasanton to drop it off and hopefully be able to speak to whoever is doing the hiring. Sounds like an interesting position...I've always had an interest in HR...and it would be for a college district. Sounds very appealing...I think that I would do well. I'm perfectly qualified. Kiddie Kandids and Seneca Center has taught me how to deal with stressful situations and come out cool as a cucumber.

Damn, will the time ever go faster? Back to the applications...

How fucking boring and lame is my life right now? I'm sitting here at work, it's 2:35 pm and no one wants to take a picture. What the hell is wrong with you people? It's just a free 8x10. Thank god I told Lisa to go out marketing. I'm just not in the mood to be bitched out by my boss, not that she would really...she likes me too much. Sometimes it's a good thing, but I'm beginning to think that it's not. I should be doing some kind of work...but no...I'm lazy.

Is it bad that I don't do much at work or at least I don't feel like I do?

In the words of Miah...BLAH.

Do you ever not feel like yourself and kinda wish that you were in someone else's skin, even just for a while? I feel like I've been like that for at least a week now and I don't really know what to do. It's affecting my life and my relationship...I'm way too hard on Byron and I just need to let up. I'm so unhappy with my job right now and I take it out on him. I really wish I had something else that would take my mind off it, but then my cell phone rings and guess who the fuck it is...that's right...work.

Revelations come in strange forms. Yesterday, one of my associates was about to call out and I just flat out said, "I can't stay after 5, so you either need to be here or somebody else does." I just couldn't take it anymore. A job shouldn't impede on your life. A career maybe, but not a fucking job. Which is what Kiddie Kandids is for me right now. I'm scared that I'll just get trapped. I just want to be happy and proud of what I do. There ain't no fucking prestige in being a manager. You're just the person they bitch at if your associates fuck up. I want my life to turn around now and if I talk to anyone about this they'll tell me to be patient. Fuck. I have a hard ass time being fucking patient. I just want it to happen for me.

I envy Byron because even though he has to sit in traffic for 2-3 hours, he still is so happy to wake up in the morning. Even though it's just work, he looks forward to it. I hella want that. He's so lucky that he found that, but he always tells me, "It'll happen for you too, just wait. In the mean time, keep looking." He's right. It will happen for me, I just wish it would happen soon.

This blogging thing has become instant therapy for me because (a) I can vent all I want without interruption and (b) I can go back and read my entries and figure out shit on my own. On my own...I feel like that's where I am for the most part. I don't like to consider myself a loner, but sometimes I feel like no one understands me. I just want to be heard and spoiled like hell. I'm tired of being that person that always gives in, that person that feels awful if I do something that would even be considered remotely selfish, that person whose patience is endless for the most part but as soon as it wears people notice and aren't afraid to point it out.

I wish I knew why I was like this. I wish I didn't feel like crying every night. I wish that Byron would realize that I'm not always trying to start a fight and to stop taking things so damn personally. I'm not trying to piss you off, I'm doing something that I was never able to do before I met you...

...I finally trust someone enough to tell them how I truly feel. I don't want to tiptoe around any issue because avoiding a fight isn't going to make anything go away.

I don't fucking know. I have no clue how to fix this. What happens when someone runs out of patience for you? Is it because you're testing them? Like...how much do you truly love me? What the hell man...I should just stop.

Easier said than done.