I haven't exactly been the best at updating this thang right here (but it's not like I have millions of adoring fans), but since I finally have some quiet time...I'd like to reflect on the past year's events.

I could just make some cheesy list like some people or try to find one word that encompasses the whole year (but I won't bite off Cheryll, she's much cooler and smarter than I am). But I won't. It'll prolly be more "deep thoughts"-ish...you know, like Jack Handey.

Or I could go on about how growth isn't necessarily measured by inches or years, but by the status of your life. Are you still living with Mom and Dad, or old college roommates? Are you still working your retail job that pays you about $7.50/ hr or have you found a career with full medical/dental benefits? Are you still trying to pay off college debt or putting a down on a brand new condo?

I could tell you what I did this year...worked full-time, moved into a house with Byron...what I longed for this year...financial independence, emotional stability, a baby...what I want for next year...a better paying job, unconditional support, a family.

Looks like it's gonna be an interesting year. Party safe everyone.

"I cannot stand still. I can't be this unsturdy. This cannot be happening..."

I feel like shit.

I feel like shit because I've been up since 5 this morning, braved a 1 1/2 commute to Fremont, then another 30 min to Dublin, 8 hours of bullshit from stupid ass parents, 2 hour commute back to Fremont, almost falling asleep on the way to San Jose, a boyfriend that asked the same question over and over because he wasn't listening the first, second or third time, the same boyfriend that doesn't think that laughing and pointing out a booger on my nose is in anyway mean or embarrassing and now I'm on the damn computer because I just can't go back to sleep.

"This is over my head, but underneath my feet 'cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat..."

I guess I should get used to this right? No acknowledgement like I've become some kind of permanent fixture...like I'm not supposed to take anything personally.

"And everything will be back to the way that it was...I wish that it was just that easy."
-Lifehouse, Somewhere In Between

you are deepskyblue #00BFFF

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I cannot wait until this week is over...and the funny thing is, I haven't even gone to work this week yet! HA! As you all may know, there are only 9 shopping days left until Christmas. I think that Byron and I have gotten about...oh...1/4 of it done and that was all last night! Man...we already knew that this Christmas was going to be tight being that we just moved out into our brand new house and are still trying to get used to all the bills (not to mention each other) as well as recover from that extravanganza we called a "housewarming." I know that B has been stressin' about money and bills and what-not and I'm trying not to be (too much of) a bitch. Work's got me stressin' and these 2 bounced checks...gosh that hasn't happened in YEARS...like COLLEGE YEARS.

It's funny how just when you think you have a handle on your money (whoa, that rhymed!), some other shit has to happen like a traffic ticket or unexpected payments (like house tax). One of my biggest fears when moving into this house was money. You know that money is the root of all evil and breaks up happy homes and marriages. I'm glad that we're getting through this together and hopefully it'll get easier as we get used to it...that's until we complicate it with a baby or something (haha). But for the most part, we're handling it and that's all that matters.

NOTE for NEXT YEAR: Parents, please don't wait til the last minute to take your pictures last minute and if you do, don't get mad 'cuz you have to wait. It's not Kiddie Kandids fault that y'all are LAZY PROCRASTINATORS.

The Holidays Suck.

The Holidays in Retail Suck Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Sucks Donkey Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Dealing with Children Sucks Big Donkey Dick.

The Holidays in Retail as Management Dealing with Children and Their Retarded Parents SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY DICK.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS Y'ALL!

I feel like lately someone (or something) is trying to tell me something. My friend Lisa has a non-profit business that gives low-income mothers stuff like baby clothes that are donated by other people. She also spent most of her Thanksgiving at a food shelter with her family feeding the homeless. I called her a philanthropist and asked her where she gets the stregth to do all these good deeds.

She told me that God told her to do it.

So does that mean that God's trying to tell me something? If he is, speak clearer...I'm not sure that I understand.

It's weird how you could live with someone and never really get to spend "quality time" with them. I mean...you see them every freakin' day, they're the first person you see when you wake up and the last person you see when you fall asleep, yet there aren't many opportunities to just sit there and enjoy their company. It was like that when I lived at my parent's house and it's sorta like that now. Don't get me wrong...I love living at Mountain House and I love living with Byron (even though he REALLY knows how to PUSH MY BUTTONS) it's just that we get so caught up with our lives at work and truly forget to look around us and to enjoy the company of the ones you love. I thought that I learned so much about myself when I was away at school only to come back to the reality that I"M STILL LEARNING. There's so much more that I want to experience while knowing that I've experienced so much to this point in my life. Does that make sense? If it doesn't, forgive me...I worked 12 hours straight today.

I guess the point is...as adults we still grow. I don't think that I'll ever be the same person I was yesterday and tomorrow I won't be the same person I am today because I'm constantly wanting to know more about myself and about my life around me. How profound, huh? See what happens when you have about 30 minutes to yourself in the car alone speeding down the Altamont (sorry B, I know that scares you).

Hey! I'm going to Disneyland in T-minus 3 days! WOOHOO!

I was talking to a good friend of mine over IM today and I realized that I am now an adult. Not because I'm done with school...not because I'm working full time...not because I've moved out to live with my boyfriend...but because I was a part of a rather large event yesterday. There's so much planning involved and no matter how planned it is...it never goes the way you plan.

Not that I didn't think it was a huge success because it was. We were surrounded by loved ones and everyone was so great to each other and nothing broke...the walls were scratched up but that's pretty much it. It just made me think about the parties that happened when I was little, the hustle and bustle of the adults around me, talking to each other, the kids in one room playing together and I guess it just dawned on me...

I used to be one of those kids in the room and now I'm just an adult running around talking to everyone.

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you

You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a Black Celica.
You will marry Byron and have 5 kids.
You will be a District Manager in Santa Barbara.

-compliments of Play Mash

One day, I'll be able to handle everything that comes my way.

It's hard to be the stronger one when you feel weak yourself.

Stress is so unecessary, yet an essential part of life.

I'm worth more than they're paying me.

Byron said that we can have a baby next year.

I think that I want to get back into education again. Or at least some bastardized form of it.

We spent most of the day cleaning and organizing, but for some reason I was super sensitive to Byron's bossy, yet normal self. I felt bad, but I honestly don't know why today I just couldn't take his bossiness. But whatever, I know that it's not an ongoing thing...I'd like to think that I'm fairly understanding and pretty easy-going when it comes to suff like that. Just one of those days, I guess.

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on my life thus far (in the shower, on the toilet, etc.) and I've decided that if I am not promoted by the end of my first year at work (which is in March), I'm going to look for a new job, preferably near Byron's work so we can commute together in the morning (it's just more fun that way) and a job where I don't work on the weekends.

Hope the economy picks up by then...

Now I know...
It's meant to be.
It took awhile
But now I see...
Me for you,
You for me...

I LOVE YOU BYRON! MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!

Damn...I hate the way you know me...and Damn, you kill when you hold me like I'm your world, like this won't hurt, like a favorite cursing every nerve...Damn, I'm fightin' and I'm losin' it...Damn you, you're pullin' and a pushin'...I'm wrestlin with, I toss and twist...Baby, I give in...

Damn...

I'm beginning to think that I should actually have a life outside of my home...outside of just me & Byron because it could potentially ruin everything that I've worked so hard for. I dunno...I feel like a good portion of the time I'm trippin' over nothing and I honestly don't know why. I feel like I'm in HIGH SCHOOL because I have that same insecurity that I did back then and you would think that after 4 1/2 years of college and 2 in the real world would have snapped me out of it...but no...shit's still there.

It prolly stems from the fact that I've always felt so insignificant to EVERYONE especially my family, like nothing I'd do would really matter or just be overlooked in some way...but if I did something really terrible THEN it would turn some heads. I've been feeding off of negative attention for most of my life and lived by that "it feels so good to be so bad" mantra.

I hate this. I hate this about myself. I can't just let it go and move on. I have to take everything so personally and shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm a grown-ass woman and still able to throw little temper tantrums like a little bitch. I'm so disgusted with myself that it's not even funny.

SHIT. Maybe it'll look better tomorrow...

Compromise has got to be the most difficult verb in the English language. I'm telling you...it's not all flowers and sunshine no matter how much you love someone. I'm not saying that my relationship is in the dumps right now, but I swear to God I have the most terrible timing ever and unfortunately this is something I've been working on for the past 3 years. Ugh. Life is in no way perfect and I think that I got that yesterday. I remember when I was training for my old job, and I spoke to my supervisor about how I handle particular situations, like confrontation. To make a long story short, he likened me to a soda bottle capped very tightly. When confronted, the bottle is shaken and begins to build pressure. For the most part I can handle it, but it takes the slightest movement to just explode.

I wish there was a way I could stop the pressure from building. I try to talk about it, but as soon as I feel that whoever isn't listening, that bottle cap goes right back on and the pressure is back. I don't know where I got this mindset of neglect, like no one truly cares or is willing to bend over backwards for me. I try to tell myself it's not true, but sometimes you never know. I'd hate to think that I would be taken for granted and often wonder if anyone would truly miss me if I was gone. I know that in a universe so big (which I've actually learned over the past year that it actually is quite small, go figure) we all would like to feel significant, maybe not to every in their network of friends, but to someone that truly matters to them.

You always want to be important to the person that is most important to you.

.:LYRICAL GENIUS:.

10 things I hate about you
Number one, you've kept me on run
Number two, I never knew what to do
Number three, can't you see
You're making me go so crazy...

Why do you continue
To do what you do
I wish I never met you
I wish that it wasn't true

More to come...

.:LYRICAL GENIUS:.

I like how this thing gets updated like once a week. And the funny shit is, Blogger looks different everytime I try to post! Weird shit...

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since the first night we stayed at the Mountain House. I have to say that it is very interesting living with a significant other. I mean, I've had roommates and I know what it's like to live on your own, but this is so different. There's a lot of give and take...but most importantly, you get to see a side of that person that you've never seen before. I think that this is were most serious relationships fail. Some people are so set in their ways that they don't know how to bend. I know that my behavior at home is erratic (sorry hunny!), but at the same time, Byron has never lived with a girl (not even like a sister 'cuz mom don't count). I guess this post stems from an...uh...altercation that occured this morning.

Basically, I go to Union City on my day off in the week. So, I go to work with Byron in the morning and he picks me up when he gets off. This morning, Byron tries to leave at 6:30 am and woke me up at 6:12 am. That left me only enough time to wash my face and brush my teeth. Here's the conversation:

Byron: "Let's go."
Dawn: "I'm not ready you know."
Byron: "You have to put on make up still?"
Dawn: "Well, yeah!"
Byron: "I have to leave now! Just take it with you!"
Dawn: says nothing, just angrily puts stuff together

I was in a bad mood for the rest of the morning. I think I'm going to apologize for my behavior.

What kind of life are we leading, when we only know how to look towards the future? Today will mean yesterday, if we let it slip by us so quickly.

I don't know what made me think that, but I guess it's just me in anticipation of leaving work. My feet hurt and I'm tired. I'm hungry too, so guess who's looking forward to those leftovers I brought home from Mom's house yesterday.

RIP Mama Deling...9/9/91...I love you and miss you dearly.

This is the 4th night that Byron and I are living at Mountain House. I should re-cap what has happened over the past 4 days:

- The rails for our king size bed are too short. Instead of a Cal King, it's an Eastern King which is fine because now we have room at the foot of the bed for some kind of bench. Unfortunately, the mattress that was delivered was a Cal King. So, we've been hittin' it..er, sleeping...in one of the guest rooms, but that's only 'til the other mattress arrives.
- There are now 2 females trying to decorate this house.
- There is a gay ass strip of grass in the middle of the driveway. I'm proud to say that I ran over that and the front lawn. Tire marks commemerate the event.
- I discovered the biggest Safeway I've seen in my entire life. I could go crazy in there.
- It is difficult to shower with no blinds or curtains in your bathroom that looks right into your neighbor's bedroom.
- Byron scares easily ("what was that sound, babe?")
- My bamboo has grown 1/2 an inch and my money tree is starting to sprout more branches. My orchid still has flowers on it.
- Yesterday was the first time that I went out to eat at a restaurant with Byron's family. I also went to church with them that day and no, I did not burst into flames when I walked in.

But I think that the most important event was...Our (Byron and I) 1st year anniversary.

what do they really think of you by purple
lj name
sex
age
your best friend thinks	you're hot hot hot
your family think	you sing like an angel
strangers think	you'll sleep with them
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Dude...this totally makes my day.

Sometimes I think about how great it would be if I had a ring, but then I think that I may be putting too much pressure on the person I love most. I mean, it hasn't even been a year yet and I'm thinking marriage?

But then again I have to look at the nature of our relationship and its evolution. After all, he did tell me that he loved me the day we got together. Everything happens for a reason and I was surprised that such a declaration would have had me throwing up the peace sign and never calling him ever again. But alas, we spent so much time together. Sporting events, dinners, family parties, trips, clubbing...all the stuff that couples do. We are attached at the hip it seems, but in a good way. I dunno...everything was so whirlwind and even until today I can't believe how happy I am and how happy I have been since Byron came into my life.

I have approximately 3 more days here in Union City. I just realized that...now I'm kinda sad.

ARGH! My associates are a bunch of flaky morons.

This fucking sucks!

Got the keys, got the remote for the garage...

It's now official...I'm Byron's new roommate.

We had a very informal BBQ today, mostly to show off the house to our immediate family. I read something on Rose's Xanga today and it really stuck in my head. For those of you that have been religiously reading my blog, you know that I talk extensively about my relationship, how well it's going, where it's leading (marriage, kids, the whole sha-bang), etc. She put this excerpt about marriage and how love is just not enough and that there are 5 golden rules to relationships. I learned that "love just isn't enough" the hard way, yet I'm glad I learned that because it helped me to be more selective about who I enter relationships with. I am a hopeless romantic, but I know that there is more to life-long relationships than just love or sex (yeah, don't act like y'all don't know what I'm talkin' 'bout).

There's that mutual feeling of respect, sharing the same or similar values, being able to give and take, accepting the good with the bad...

...and there's nothing like them being the first thing you see in the morning and the last before you go to sleep.

It's funny how someone can say something that just sparks thoughts. My colleague's husband came to my work today and I asked him how he would feel if I sent my colleague over to Reno for a week. He said he would be sad and disappointed, but if it's for work she's gotta do what she's gotta do. It actually made my day because he's so supportive of her and her endeavours. I love it.

Then that got me thinking about my current situation. I'm proud to say that everything is going my way. I'm not so scared of what the future holds since shit happens, but I think that I'm prepared and calm enough to handle it. I'll have my brief moment of irrational, but can snap back out of it. I'm finally growing up and all that other shit is a thing of the past.

Don't worry babe. We'll get through this. But most importantly, we'll get through this together.

Yay! I'm officially a ninang. I am so privileged to be asked to be a part of someone's life like that. It's crazy since I've only been in Byron's friends lives for a little less than a year, but they feel close enough to me to ask me to be a godparent. When they asked me I thought I was gonna cry! But I guess that just goes to show you that you just don't know what kind of impact you have on someone's life until something like that happens...

It kinda makes me think about what other kind of impact I have on other people's lives. You ever get that feeling that you don't really feel like you're doing much, but in reality you are? I'm the type of person that has no idea how I must look to other people. I just go on thinking that I'm just like everyone else, trying to get by with what I do and believing that I'm no one truly spectacular. Then someone goes and makes me a ninang or tells me that I'm impressing the big wigs in my company or saying that they wouldn't mind woking for me if I was DM. I don't know if I should call it being humble or oblivious.

Or maybe I'm just the BOMB.

I think that I'm one of the few people that actually remembers their dreams. It's weird because more often than not, I wake up feeling like it was so vivid and that it actually happened.

Last night, I dreamt that Byron got my friend Rowena (who happens to be my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend, but that's another story for later) PREGNANT. It was like Byron and I were a month in our relationship and he told me that he had a baby on the way. It was so fucked up. I was crying so hard in the dream and I felt like someone just ripped my heart in half. In the dream, Byron was really excited about having a baby, but was trying to reassure me that Rowena meant nothing and that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course in my dream I wasn't trying to hear it and being so incredibly irrational that finally I just blurted out, "I'm hurt because it's not me that's having your kid."

I hate dreams like that because I end up calling Byron as soon as I wake up just to tell him. I have this theory that if I talk about the dreams that I don't want to come true then they won't.

Go ahead. Call me crazy. I don't mind.

I love Tuesdays.

I love them because I work late and I get to sleep at Byron's house on Monday night. I love them because the next day is my day off. I love them because I get to sleep in. I love them because I don't have to deal with traffic on my way to work and back.

I hate Tuesdays.

I hate them because I have to work late. I hate them because I can't do anything afterwards because I'm so tired. I hate them because I rarely get to see my boyfriend after work. I hate them because I wake up from sleeping in, only to realize that I have to go to work.

damn.

I work at Kiddie Kandids located in the Babies R Us at Hacienda Crossings in Dublin. I pretty much see the same people everyday, day in, day out, and I tend to notice things.

There's this one Babies R Us associate that I think is really beautiful. I get kinda embarrassed because I catch myself staring at her. Not just looking, like when you glance at someone, but really staring. Sometimes, she looks in my direction and she just smiles at me. I didn't see her for a few days and I was kinda bummed. Does this make me...GAY?

No, it doesn't. I'll explain.

I've had few lesbian encounters. I've kissed girls. I've been put in a situation to have sex with a girl (2 of them actually). I was even propositioned by my high school best friend to be in a threesome with her and her then-boyfriend. I'm happy with who I am with now and honestly, I wouldn't want go out with a girl for 2 reasons: (1) girls are drama and (2) they have smaller hands than me.

I guess my point is that I'm pretty tired of labelling and profiling. I'm tired of people trying to fit a category or saying, "well, if your not, then what are you?" Both my college majors devoted so much time into figuring out why this is so. I'm just really over it.

Do you ever have those mornings, where even though you really aren't that tired anymore, you still want to stay in bed? Not in bed for depression, not in bed cuz you're trying to catch up on your sleep, but just because it's comfortable and you are wrapped warmly in your comforter. I had one of those mornings and it made me think about when I started sleeping over Byron's house.

It was normally on a Saturday night, I don't know why it happened to be that night regardless of the fact that this was when I had the entire weekend off. I loved waking up next to him as I still do now. But the difference is that we would actually just chill in bed, watch some football (since it was football season) and I wouldn't get home until about 2 or 3 just to shower/change and head back to his house again.

I still sleep there, sometimes more often than I used to (I think the most I've slept at his house was like 3 nights in a row), but our lives have picked up the pace a bit. Now he wakes me up because he has to leave for work, and when I'm there on a Sunday we usually have a schedule and long list of things to do. We get tired more easily and honestly, I think we just get tired of driving back and forth between San Jose and Union City. And it's not even about if it's worth driving the distance because it always is (at least for me anyway, but I'm sure it is for him too), it's just that suddenly I've reached a new place in my life where I don't go out like I used to and I really only muster up enough energy to see my boyfriend and end up sleeping there anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I'm 26 or 27, and I'm beginning to forget that I'm only 23.

Oh well, it's not like I ever knew how to act my age in the first place.

I made the mistake of eating ice cream before I go to sleep. For those of you that know me best, I tend to have some fucked up ass dreams when I eat before I go to sleep.

Kinda scared, y'all.

"Sometimes you just have to let it go...
Let it go, let it go...
Leaving all my fears to burn down...
Push them all away so I can move on...
Closer to my dreams..."

I wish that all my insecurities would just go away. I realized today that there are so many times when I am so much talk and that I don't practice what I preach. Geez...how do you kow when to change? Why am I so concerned with being perfect? Why can't I just accept the fact that shit happens, nobody is perfect (especially me) and that I can't truly live my life to the fullest if I am tiptoeing around everything?

I'm tired...tomorrow's a new day.

Do you ever have that weird feeling in your stomach, like you know what will make you feel better but unfortantely it is not there at the moment? Or how about that feeling when you listen to your parents yell at you at length about something you were totally wrong about and all you can think about is how your going to make it up to them? How about that feeling that you just don't belong where you are and that you are counting down the days when you can just up and leave? What about feeling like you just want to sit there and do nothing? Or how about that feeling that you get when your boyfriend talks about something he did with his ex and regardless of the fact that you know in your heart that you have nothing to worry about and that he's yours forever, you can't help but still feel a little uncomfortable with a slight bit of jealousy?

I hope this is a good day.

It is so nice to have 4 days off in a row. I think that I should do this more often. Well, not too often. I'm finally getting used to this working thing now.

I don't know why I've been acting like I'm going to wake up one morning and everything will be gone...and then wondering why everyone else doesn't act the same way. I wish that I would just be happy with what I have...not that I'm not because I truly am...and just allowing whatever to happen...happen. As much as I would like to control everything, I must realize first that it you can't control life period. I keep saying that everything happens for a reason and up until now it's still so true.

I remember having a conversation with my friend Phillip. We were talking about the difference between guys and girls' approaches to relationships. He said that for girls, it's the right person and for guys it's the right time. I think that if you meet the right person at the right time, then you are one of the lucky ones. But for the most part, timing is everything.

I'M ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES. :)

Lately, I've gotten on this whole "how do you know?" tip with Byron. I've never found someone like him. He truly is "something else." I guess I just need to be reassured a lot of the time. I'm scared that this will go so totally wrong and I wouldn't know what to do if it all fell apart. He seems to get upset when I do stuff like that, but it's just me, you know? How does he know and why isn't he trippin'? But I guess it's pretty much set now...they close escrow on August 28...move in weekend is the weekend of the 29th...we already spent like $3200 on our bedroom and family room...and everytime we go to any store we're always looking for stuff for the house.

"We'll make it through and I hope you are the one I share my life with...
and I wish that you could be the one I die with...
and I'm praying you're the one I build my home with...

...I hope I love you all my life."

-Daniel Bedingfield, "If You're Not The One"

"The remedy is the experience...it is a dangerous liason...I says the comedy that is serious...Which is a strange enough nw play on words...I said the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your life with the light on...So shine the light on all of your friends...When it all amounts to nothing in the end...I won't worry my life away..." -Jason Mraz, "The Remedy"

I love this song! He's so cute!

I told my parents that I'm moving out.

My parents are pretty understanding people considering that they've had a lot of shit thrown at them for the past 4 years. I didn't think it would kill them that their daughter who has her degree and a stable job was going to move out of the house. They didn't yell. They didn't get angry. They didn't even go into how our family looks to other people. All they care about is that Byron and I understand that this is a big step and we should be committed to each other.

I was trippin' for nothing.

I haven't been on Friendster for 5 days now.

I'm starting to twitch.

Must. stop. Friendster. more. addicting. than. smoking.

YIKES!

"What's this? You're gettin' fat there!"

THINK BEFORE SPEAKING.

Sometimes, I wish that YOU held ME until I fell asleep. Sometimes I wish that I didn't feel this way. Sometimes I wish that I could better articulae myself so you know exactly how I feel. Sometimes I wish that I didn't take so many things so personally. Sometimes I wish that you're world revolved mostly around me. Sometimes I wish that you could read my mind so the words wouldn't get in the way. Sometimes I wish you would understand that it's not what you say it's how yu say it. Sometimes I wish I could grow wings and fly away. Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and everything looked better in the morning. Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't have to always explain myself...sometimes it just hurts. Sometimes I want to be with the person you love most. Sometimes I want you to humor me and accept the fact that I do my best thinking at night. Sometimes I want them to remember that even though I am working this Saturday, I am still willing to drive 2 hours to Roseville. Sometimes I want you to think about how difficult it is to not tell my parents that I are moving. Sometimes I wish that the little things didn't hurt in such a big way.

"Hold on...Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why...
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell. But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see...a different side of me."

Last night, I made my boyfriend cry.

It's hard to have your feelings acknowledged when you are so concerned abot making someone you truly care about (and love so dearly) feel better. I'm going through some..."interesting" times right now. I hate the fact that my associates can be fucking morons and that because of them I had to work all 7 days this week. I hate the fact that now that I work in retail, I miss a lot of cool, fun stuff (or I show up late to it). I hate the fact that I've been hiding an important secret from my parents, but don't know how to tell them. I hate the fact that I often say "long time no see" to the family I live with. I hate the fact that I have to drive 30 minutes to see my boyfriend. I hate the fact that my idea of spending time with Byron completely differs from his. I hate the fact that I cried myself to sleep last night.

I don't hate my job or my associates (well, maybe one). I don't hate my family or my parents. I especially don't hate my boyfriend. If anything, I love these things more than anything in the world right now.

I just hate the crappy stuff that comes with it.

Doooood...

Justin Timberlake is fine as hell. FINE AS HELL. Jenn asked me if I would whore myself to him while we were driving to the concert and I replied, "This is just not the week for that." I can't even whore myself to my own boyfriend...how am I supposed to whore myself to JT? Let me just say that we were close enough to the stage that we were watching groupies talking to Johnny Wright (JT's manager) trying to...well...whore themselves to him. It was a fucking trip.

I didn't think that I would enjoy the Xtina portion of the show, but I did. I got to sing along with her old school shit and now I have a reason to buy her CD. Not as raunchy as I thought. I was always a fan of her singing...I love it when concerts make me a better fan.

I haven't really been myself lately and I don't know why. I think it's all the pressure that's building from moving out and the fact that I'm too chicken to tell my parents. I feel bad because I've been taking it out on Byron, but I usually try to apologize when I do that. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't think about how big this step is for the both of us.

Graduation time. Pomp and circumstance. Starting new chapters, ending old ones.

Remember when you thought you knew everything...but as time passed you learned that there's so much more out there than you thought? You thought you've discovered yourself, but then realize that there's so much more to learn about everything especially yourself? And when you thought you've conquered the difficult stuff only to realize that there's more conquering that lies ahead?

It's interesting to see this change in people and know I was once there. Time does change everything, whether we like it or not , and we just have to accept change as it comes. A wise person once told me "it's okay to think about it, but it's not okay to dwell on it."

Class of 2003...welcome to the next step.

I think Janet Jackson (and Joni Mitchell) put it best when they sang, "On and on we seem to go, but you don't know what you got 'til it's gone."

There is someone special in my life and for the past 2 weeks or so, I haven't been able to spend time with them the way that I want to. I feel partly to blame because I know they're hurting and I don't know if they know that I'm trying my best to right the situation. I don't want them to feel that I am negligent in any way, but that sometime life gets in the way of progress.

For those who know me best, you probably have already guessed that I'm talking about my car.

I drove her to San Jose this evening because she's supposed to get fixed. The part comes in on Thursday, so I'm crossing my fingers that she'll be ready by next week. I've already come to terms with the fact that this is all coming out of my pocket and I'm prolly never gonna find the fucker that did this to her.

I just want to have my car (and my freedom) back.

...the return of...

QUOTABLE QUOTES!

"dude, Dude, DUDE!"

"I've been making decisions ALL DAY."

"I just don't like baked fruit."

"I don't think that reason is good enough."

"My feet stink. Let's just turn my shoe over."

"Yeah, 'cuz that's gonna make it all better."

"Shut up Dawn!"

"That's too much information."

"Cool! A retro room! Dude, they have FROGGER!"

"It was a $10 nap."

"Fill the boot. Fill it with what?"

I miss you already Miah. Come back (or move here) soon! I love you!

Dear God,

I know I don't ask for much being that I'm not a regular church goer, but as a person of faith I would like to ask one thing of you.

Please kill the bastard that messed up my driver's side fender, almost completely exposing my tire, making my car alarm trip out and putting my poor LUCKY out of comission for at least a week.

I realize that "kill" may be a strong word, so whatever uncomfort you want to bring into that moronic high-schooler's life would be good enough for me. I would also like to be reimbursed for the possible $300-400 in damages.

Please also do something to his stupid, loser friend. You know, Byron's neighbor's son. I don't think he deserves to have friends. I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

Thank you for your time and consideration with this matter.

One love,
Dawn

COUNTDOWN TO DAY OFF: 2 days.

It's nice to know that every dark cloud has a silver lining. As much as work has been stressing me out, my boss always tells me that I'm doing a fantastic job and that she is has a lot of confidence in me. You have no idea how it feels to know that someone has faith in you, especially since I don't really have confidence in myself. Yes, you heard it here. I am an insecure person. But don't I play it off so well?

Anywho, I should be sleeping. I'm really happy how my life has unfolded thus far. There are so many things that I'm so thankful for. I have a wonderful, loving family. I have a supportive, good looking, boyfriend who knows how to work it. I have a great job and work for a terrific company. I have a sexy, yet reliable car. I have true friends that love me for me and nothing else. And on top of all that....

I'm sexy as hell.

It's good to be me :)

"It's not about you. It's not about what you're doing or what you're not doing. It's not about how this is making you feel. It's about me. It's about how I feel. It's about what I'm going through. You don't have to change anything. I'm not feeling this way because of you. I want you to make me forget about it. That's what you're supposed to do."

ROYCE ANGELO SORIA REYES

born May 16, 2003 at 12:53 am

8 lbs 3 oz 20 1/2 inches


Mommy and baby are doing fine.

I am such a little bitch sometimes...it's not even funny. I guess I still like to be the victim. Watching my niece made me realize that. Why am I not more patient with the people that I love? Why am I so starved for attention? Why don't I know how to choose my battles? I'm just having one of those days when I wish I was someone else. I wish I was in another place and time. I wish I was making more money. I wish I wasn't living with my parents house. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and chill there for about a day or two.

Gonna go wash and vaccuum my neglected car. Sorry LUCKY.

When Miah asks me "how are you?"

ME: or maybe i just need to get some cuz i haven't had any since last week
ME: :-D
MIAH: lol
MIAH: ahem...whore...ahem
ME: i guess some things never change
MIAH: well...that's why we're soul mates

When Miah asks if I've told my parents I'm moving

MIAH: wimp
ME: i know huh
ME: i just really don't know how to say it
MIAH: just say...mom, dad...i'm moving
ME: and i'm living in sin with my boyfriend
MIAH: yeah
MIAH: i hope u approve
MIAH: lol

"What in this world keeps us from falling apart? No matter where I go, I hear the beating of our one heart. I think about you when the night is cold and dark. No on can move me the way that you do. Nothing erases this feeling between me and you. I drove all night to get to you. Is that alright? I drove all night and crept in your room, woke you from your sleep to make love to you. Is that alright? I drove all night..."

I realize that the first time our eyes met, it would be something so much bigger, so much more powerful than we could have ever imagined. And I find that the more I'm with you, the more I don't want to be without you. My life has changed. You're the one that makes me who I am today. You're the one I'll love forever. You're my best friend. You're "the one."

Here's to Chilli's and Starbucks...and being able to sit across from each other.

My boss is transferring me to a different store...the store that is 20 miles away from Mountain House. I haven't slept in my own bed for the past two days. It's weird being at my parents house on a week night. When I was in the car today, my mom said "when Dawn moves out" not "if Dawn moves out."

I guess this is going to be easier than I thought.

Thought for the day:

Life can be best summed up in three words: IT GOES ON.

R.I.P. Auntie Mila

Wow.
It's the last day of April.
Wow.

She was sitting in the audience, mesmerized by the sounds and sights of the performers in front of her. Relaxed in her chair, she folded her arms in front of her and closed her eyes. Smiling, she opened her eyes and came to an epiphany.

I'm surrounded by a bunch of fucking FOBs.

What a show. Thanks honey.

Sigh...

For some reason, I cannot sleep past 7:30am. So, I decided to take a personality test.
Here's the results:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate

I'm starting to get that feeling again. You know, the one where you feel like you need to get out...but you really don't know where to go.

I would talk about it with someone, but he seems to be sleeping.

I grow exhausted with those who can be (and most of the time are) walking contradictions. You know, that phenomenon of "the tea kettle calling the pot black" or some shit like that. It irks me that so many people have their heads so far up their asses, that they aren't even listening to what they are saying. Get off your fucking high horse, you ain't shit. It's still the same struggle no matter how much more you think you've suffered.

No babe, I'm not talking about you so don't worry.

On a lighter note...Miah is going to visit me at the end of May. YAY!

We make our choices based on the life experiences of not only ourselves, but by the people closest to us. Whether it is due to advice taken, mistakes learned from, or preventive measures to not repeat history, we should remember that it all happens for a reason. Resentment, like jealousy, is a wasted emotion that has no positive outcome. You get nothing from it, except negativity towards those you harbor this feeling against. Realize whatever you want...

...but realize the person that was holding you back just might be yourself.

Man.

Nothing sucks more than wanting some...and not getting any.

Man.

Although I do realize that I am fortunate enough to get booty on the regular...it still sucks when your NOT getting it.

Man.

I would like to thank...

Kiddie Kandids for taking a chance on a girl like me
Bay Area Traffic for not being as bad as I thought
Justin Timberlake, JT Snow & Morris Chesnut for being so hot that I am proud to not be a lesbian
Toyota for creating a Celica as fly as mine
Santa Barbara for giving me a home away from home
Pharell Williams for proving that ANYONE can sing and make millions
American Idol for giving Paula Abdul steady work again
Syndicated Shows for something to watch on my days off
Ex-Boyfriends for showing me what NOT to look for
Warriors for creating an interest in basketball
Kevin Smith for being the man
Mom for birthing me
Dad for giving me money
Zen & Ben for a computer with DSL
Jimbo for something to laugh at
Taryn for something to spoil and take pictures of

and...

My baby Byron...

...for last night (muahahaha)

I was driving home from my sister's house. Byron was in his car and I was in mine. He rolls down his window like he usually when he pulls next to me. He always manages to make me smile, regardless of how I'm feeling. As I approached my street, he continued to go straight. I was left waiting at the light, watching his tail lights get smaller and smaller.

It was then I realized that I HATE it when we part.

QUICK! Someone find a solution!

MULLET HAIKUS

I plan to look fly this summer, which means that I have exactly 2 months to do so. I went grocery shopping this morning after I came home from Byron's house. My plan is to eat Cherrios in the morning, a salad for lunch and a reasonable dinner. I will also not drink any more soda. Snacking at work will now be replaced by drinking a shitload of water or chewing gum. I will also start an excercise regimine that includes the use of my Tae Bo tapes.

I CAN DO THIS!

Aww...

How cute.

...last night i spent the night in san jose...as i do from time to time...but there was something about this sleepover that was different than other times...and not different in a bad way...but different in a good way...i wasn't thinking about going home too late...about staying awake as someone slept...or even dwelling on my day up until that point...we slept...side-by-side...occasionally flinging our arms around each other...it was like it was normal...like that's how we are supposed to be...coming home from work to each other...talking about our day...maybe even crying because working 9 days in a row just sucks...then laughing and making each other laugh...then falling asleep...and waking up to go to work.

have i mentioned that we're looking for a house together?

i can't wait :)

Guess who!?!?

Quick Update: I was in Reno from the 25th to the 27th and have been working everyday since.

Remember when all my entries used to be about me going crazy because I was unemployed?

I should be careful what I wish for.

I hate waiting.

Waiting sucks. What the point of telling someone what you want if they're not gonna remember it in an hour and a half anyway? I mean, what the fuck is that shit? Why can't shit run on my time schedule? Why can't shit happen when I want it to? When do I get to be queen, when everything I say happens within the next 20 seconds and I don't have to wait for anything?

I hate waiting.

Remember how back in the day, when you were like in junior high, how concentrated you were about events that were just out of your control (i.e. wanting to know if the boy/girl you liked was into you or if your current "relationship" would work out) and would do just about anything to see into the future? I know I did. I used to be way into that astrology shit, seeing if my sign/his sign matched and religiously read my horoscope every day. I've learn over the past couple of years that it's all a bunch of bullshit (sidebar: although the people that DO believe in that stuff, far be it from me to knock your belief system), yet I still manage to have my horscope sent to me everyday via email. Usually, it's just amusing to me and I like the fact that I get email everyday (I'm a loser). But my horoscope for today scared the fucking shit out of me because it was fucking DEAD ON.

"Today you might decide to sequester yourself within the home, catching your breath, getting your thoughts together, and recalling the events of the past several days. You'll also find yourself thinking of plans for the future, DAWN, as you're feeling especially optimistic now and energetic enough to pursue whatever goals you may have. At some point you're likely to share this with a close friend and seek their support and opinions."

I had a long day at work today and all I could think about was chillin' at home and seeing my boyfriend. I recently started my job and have been learning so much, so alot of my thoughts revert back to work. I just had a long conversation with my good friend Phillip who I've known forever and I totally respect his opinions and thoughts. We were talking about how he wants to get married and how I'm going to look at houses with Byron and his parents tomorrow morning.

Coincidence? I hope so. If not, God help us all.

My STD:
(Shit To Do)

Number 1: Think of ways to market for work
In my old job, it was bad to take your work home with you. I have yet to learn the same rings true for this one.

Number 2: Thoroughly plan my sister's baby shower
I can't begin to tell you how difficult it is to plan a shower for someone with major control issues.

Number 3: Pay of Citibank credit cards
Job = $$$ going to bills

Number 4: Buy a new bed and furniture for my room
I was thinking before that maybe this would be a bad idea, but now...not so much.

Number 5: Hang out with Cheryll and Jenn
I'm surprised that they still want to hang out with me even though I've been incredibly flaky...since I've moved back.

Number 6: Buy a generic remote for my TV
Sometimes it's nice to be able to change the channels from the comfort of your bed.

Number 7: Do something nice for Byron
He is very spoiled.

Number 8: Plan a trip to SD to see my gay boyfriend or somehow get him to come up here
I miss you Miah!

Victoria Secret Online + Employed Dawn = lots and lots of panties and bras

YAY!

My feet HELLA hurt.
Why you ask? I'll tell you...

I started my new job today! I already have a business trip to Reno next week!

I'm excited because this is so different than what I used to do, but at the same time I can't help but feel overwhelmed. I mean, in a matter of months I'll be running my own store. Scary. But I'm the shiznit (or at least I act like I am) so I should be okay.

Thanks Byron for being so supportive even though I know you don't like the fact that I'll be working Saturdays and will be going to Reno next week. I love you baby!

Crazy.

I got a phone call today at approximately 6:30 AM this morning. I have been offered that position that I interviewed for last week.

YIPPEE!

Now I can live the glamorous life...

Suddenly...I'm overcome with the feeling of crawling into my bed, throwing the covers over my head, and not coming out for a really long time.

Period, you suck.

No call. Poor Dawn.

MUST. GET. OUT. OF. THIS. HOUSE.

I can't take it anymore...I really need to not live here. It's not that I don't love my parents and my grandmothers (well, one grandmother and one great aunt), but shit...I'm like the youngest one that lives here and I'm only trully sane when my brother is home and that's only for the weekend. I have so many things to think about and today especially I'm on edge...I've had 2 interviews for one job and they're supposed to be calling TODAY if I got the job. I don't know what time...but it is TODAY. I hate this feeling of uncertainty and the fact that I know what I'm up against (I had a group interview with the other 2 candidates yesterday). I don't mean to "toot" my own horn...but TOOT TOOT! For real...I know that if I do get rejected, I should get back on my horse like I always do. But sometimes, it's hard you know? You can only take so much rejection and still come out with a smile. Some people just aren't built like that and as much as I'd like to think that I am...sometimes I'm not.

I think she may call after 10AM. Check back here for any updates.

LOVE. What is it? It's the mystery of the ages...an enigma that has plagued mankind since the beginning of time. So many people devote their time and energy in finding this LOVE, this unconditional emotion that is the stuff dreams are made of.

I know these people, these LOVE hunters, but more often than not, they're shooting blanks...can't distinguish between actual LOVE and being in LOVE with the idea of LOVE. Then there are the LOVE cynics, who think that LOVE is so overrated or overused. These people used to be hopeless romantics, but a rock must have shattered their glass hearts, and all the heartware store had left was stone to replace it. I think I lie somewhere between these hunters and cynics because while I can be a hopeless romantic, I'm still on-guard about who I let into my heart.

I'm in LOVE. How am I sure? Because regardless of little spats, sweet kisses, bad moods, warm hugs, irrationality, quality time, snoring, sports watching, word mojo playing, orange eating, all the good and bad...

...just the thought of him makes me smile. And that's more than enough to get through the day.

Fortunately, I was able to remove that stick that was lodged within the confines of my large deiry-aire, or as Traci Morgan would put it, my "ku-dunk-a dunk." Lately, I've been more relaxed, which is a good thing considering that I was contemplating putting "thinking" as a hobby in my AOL profile.

I decided not to because I didn't want to appear like I had too much time on my hands.

After all, I do have an image to uphold.

I love going to SB...no matter how long the drive, how packed the weekend, or how much I know I'm going to miss it when I leave.

SATURDAY:
4:15 AM: Wake up ridiculously early, shower, pack and load up the Accord (the car I DIDN'T want to take).
5:00 AM: Call Mr. Evangelista to make sure that his ass is up.
5:30 AM: Pick up Agnes and Uncle Keith up, respectively.
6:20 AM: Arrive at Byron's house, load up his stuff.
6:30 AM: Starbucks for coffee, McDonald's for breakfast. Unfotunately, McDonald's doesn't open until 7:00 AM.
6:45 AM: Decide to hit up the McDonald's at the outlets in Gilroy since it will be 7 by the time we get there. Says "wouldn't it be moded if that McDonald's doesn't open until 8:00 AM." Rest of car agrees.
7:15 AM: Gilroy, Breakfast, car happy.
7:30 AM: Chop it up with Agnes, while Byron and Uncle Keith sleep.
9:30 AM: Byron asks to stop to use the bathroom, later reveals that he was holding it from 20 minutes after we left.
11:00 AM: Arrive in SB (yay!), check in, say hi to other band members...EXTREMELY TIRED.
11:15 AM: Yell at Jimbo on the phone...BITCH BITCH BITCH
11:30 AM: Advised to take nap.
11:45 AM: Took nap.
1:00 PM: Left for sound check at Earl Warren.
1:30 PM: Saw Rose (LB Chi Delt), talked for a while.
3:00 PM: Finally, went up for sound check. Good times.
4:00 PM: Back to the hotel after going to McDonald's for lunch, trying to get shit done before 6:00 PM call time.
6:00 PM: Showered, hair and make-up did, leave for Earl Warren.
6:30 PM: Arrive at Earl Warren. Say hello to everyone. Show supposed to start at 7:00 PM.
7:00 PM: Show has not started. Sitting in audience.
7:30 PM: Show starts. Great music, gay fashion show.
10:00 PM: Candy 4 Strangers rocks the stage.
11:30 PM: Show ends. One band doesn't get to perform because it ran over time (I wonder why). Decide in parking lot to hit up Zelo's since it's free before midnight.
11:59 PM: Up in the club (Zelo's). Byron, Agnes, Uncle Keith make a beeline for the bar. Designates self as designated driver.

SUNDAY:
1:00AM: Drunk boyfriend climbing on shit and hella talking, drunk Uncle buying more drinks, drunk brother smoking cigarettes, drunk friends being drunk. Dancing with my boyfriend.
2:00 AM: Jack in the Crack for late night, drunk munchies. Back to the hotel.
2:30 AM: Pass the fuck out.
9:00 AM: One word: GRINDIN'. Call front desk for late check out.
11:30 AM: Ben wakes us up, takes Uncle Keith back to the Bay with him.
1:00 PM: Check out. Hit up Urban Outfitters, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, and Auntie Anne's.
2:30 PM: See Denny's place.
3:00 PM: On the road again.
4:00 PM: Splash. See Julie and Lauren. Eat fried oysters and french fries.
5:00 PM: Driving again. Listening to Rex Navarette (courtesy of Byron).
6:30 PM: Bathroom break.
8:00 PM: Byron's house. See the homies, oh wait, it's those homies.
9:00 PM: Back in UC.
10:00 PM: Back in San Jose.

I'm sleepy. Good night.

Wishful Thinking

it could happen
...that job I interviewed for yesterday
...for gas prices to go down, so it won't be so expensive to see Byron
...to see Miah because I miss him so very much (watching Will & Grace is just not the same)
...a chance to audition for some cool Broadway show
...a night of marathon sex (I'll make this shit happen)
...paid off debts (credit cards, loans, etc)
...get the HELL out of Union City (please GOD!)

I dunno if anyone ever noticed, but doesn't Mario (lil man that sings "Just a Friend") kind looks like Chris Rock?

Just a thought.

Being unemployed gives one ample time to think...almost to the point of near insanity. Yet, there are some days that are really good ones (such as today) because I actually had shit to do. It was great. I woke up before 8, got home at around 8:30 (teehee), had an interview at 12 (which btw, I think that went pretty darn well, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up), got my oil changed (for an SB trip this weekend...woohoo!), chopped it up a bit with a girl mechanic at Jiffy Lube (about my car, which I love), saw Byron for lunch (like watched him eat), and hung out with my sister. It's days like this that I truly needed, especially after the emotional turmoil I've been going through the past couple weeks, but when they're over...

I want more.

But the day's not over...still got practice with C4S and gonna see my man (aw yeah, baby).

SWEET.

Lent is a difficult time of year for me. You have to give up something, or sacrifice because the whole purpose of the Easter season is to remember what God sacrificed for us.

I was told that I should give up smoking because 1) I have been for the past month (well, buying packs anyway) and 2) its something that I should be doing anyway. Instead of being in agreement, I started yelling at him. Why you ask? Because I'm a fucking bitch. Because lately I've been incredibly irrational and I have no idea why. A suggestion was being made and I jumped down his throat so quickly without looking back. I said he was telling me what to do, but dammit, it's hard. It is so difficult because smoking is a fucking addiction.

I'm still pretty upset, mostly because I wasn't given the opportunity to say my thoughts about the whole thing. I thought about it, but why should I use Lent as an excuse to quit? Shouldn't I be wanting to do that anyway? It shouldn't matter that it's Lent right now, I SHOULD BE MAKING AN EFFORT TO QUIT NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF YEAR IT IS. With that said (which I suppose is what I wanted to say before interrupted), I guess the logical thing to give up would be smoking. I'm gonna take a short nap before colorguard and band practice.

mango is still chillin' in the fruit bowl.
don't worry, you'll soon be devoured.

yay! i have an interview tomorrow. hopefully it won't end up in a rejection letter like the other ones did. but i won't hold my breath.

Hey Love,
What a great 6 months its been and I can't seem to find enough words or ways to show you just how much you mean to me, or how much I love you. I think I'll be spending the rest of my life doing that, but I really don't mind. Maybe I should just rock your world like I always do. Happy 1/2 a year Anniversary...or 6 monthaversary (heehee).

It's ASH WEDNESDAY. What are you giving up for Lent?

i don't know how to cut a mango up.

i guess i'll eat this grapefruit instead.

According to dictionary.com...

narcisist n. a person with excessive love or admiration for oneself.

FUN FACT:

Byron has 21 pictures of himself alone in his room.

I don't think I need to say any more than that.

What a weekend.
Actually spent 24 hours away from Byron
Got to kick it old school.
Cool shirt for showcase, now need hat.
Possibility that JT ticket may be given away due to flakiness.
Dawn sucks for that.
People can't take jokes anymore.
Lots of drugs and alcohol, didn't touch any of it.
Practice, practice, then voice gives out.
Back to reality.

Dear God,
Please help me to understand this baby lust that I'm having.
I will be waiting for an answer.
Love, Dawn

This is going to be incredibly personal, but I need some type of release. I want a baby. I've been feeling like this for a long time now. I don't know where it came from or how I'm supposed to resolve this, but the feeling has been growing progressively. I got the phrase "baby lust" from a book of short stories called Her Wild American Self. The story was about a woman, who was pregnant at an inopportune time in her life, miscarried and suddenly developed this "baby lust." She wanted to be pregnant again. I use this phrase, not because I was and now am not pregnant, but becauseI want to have a baby. I want to have a baby.

But you know what? I still live at home...I have no job...all the circumstances in my life say that I'm not ready.

Still...
I want to have a baby.

I spent the night in San Jose last night. I haven't done that in a while because a lot of the time I would bounce at like 11 or 12 just so Byron could get a good night's rest. But after what my mom told me as I came through the door at 10 this morning, I might just think twice about leaving any later than that. Apparently, one of her co-workers died in a head-on collision while driving home from work early Wednesday morning. Scary. You know what else sucks too? He husband found her. It just freaks me out how quickly life can pass like that. I would write something more profound to add to that, but shit, the bottom line is that life's fucking short and unfortunately we can't do anything about it.

Live it up, y'all.

Ahem...
I would like to take the time out to present some haikus by a very good friend of mine, who right now shall be nameless...but he said that later he wanted to be linked off my site as if a lot of people frequent my site, except Miah, Byron and Cheryll (and welcome to my insanity Cheryll...it's good to have you here). I found them absolutely hilarious, but I have this feeling that some other people might not. Just goes to show you how twisted my humor is in the right company.

the longanisa
glistening with oil and fat
on your breath all day

combos and cheez-its
raisins as ants on a log
some sorry ass hor doerves

chick won't stop eating
i think she's gonna explode
small children, beware

top ramen with cheese
rabbit cutting its own hair
that shit is CRAZY!

it's toonces the cat
driving off a cliff again
stupid cat can't drive

OH! OH! I WANNA TRY! I WANNA TRY!

i always wondered
what Justin looks like naked
will find out in june

That was fun!

Thought for the day:

It's a small world after all.

How fucking scary is that?

This is an email I wrote Byron a couple weeks back. I feel terrible everytime I do this to him, but I'm so grateful that he's strong enough to let me do it.

"I could go into everything that I'm feeling...but I won't. A problem I have is that I have a difficult time telling people what I want especially those closest to me. Instead it stays bottled up and the pressure builds to a point that I just can't take anymore...and I explode. I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier...and for any other time I took the irrational route by letting my emotions get the best of me. I'm writing you this email because its the next best thing to talking to you...and this way I know you won't interrupt me (that was a low blow...I know...I sorry). At the risk of sounding incredibly selfish, I want to tell you that there are days when I just want you to focus on me...just me...not anything else. You and I in an empty room...well, maybe a bed could be there, but that's it...I could just sit there and stare at you. Like I do when your sleeping and I just can't. I just can't because I want to cherish every single moment I have with you. I can't risk feeling like I took you for granted. I'll tell you I love you everyday just because I want you to hear me say it every day and it will never lose it's meaning. I'll do all these things because I want to...not to make you feel good about yourself...but to make me feel good because I need you. I've suddenly become incredibly dependent on talking to you everyday and seeing you almost everyday. It's like an addiction. You know how sometimes you feel so strongly about someone that it spawns insecurity...I'm not insecure about you leaving me for anyone."

Yeah. He's a keeper.

I can't believe how much more I can learn in one hour. I had no idea that my grandmother holds a master's degree in education. I learned my mother and grandmother's view on being bilingual.

GM: A child only should learn one language at a time.
M: But you'll be surprised how much a child can learn. They can learn both languages at once.
GM: In America, they can't be speaking in their native tongue. You need to speak English to be successful.
M: Now it's okay to speak two languages.

At that point, I was silent. I could easily argue for both sides. I was a product of this struggle. I wish I knew how to speak Ilocano or Tagalog. My Filipino-ness was questioned by a complete stranger because of this. You always want to place the blame on someone, but sometimes the only thing to blame is good intentions.

At least I know this now.

"How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb.
Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.

Now that I know what I'm without...you can't leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real...bring me to life."

I still love you BYRON!

Phillip's the bestest friend a girl could ever have!

What can I say? You're right. I run away. I don't know why I do this. Actually, I do. I have a hard time dealing with shit. I choose to leave and hope that it clears itself up. I can't keep running away like this. I test you. I'm not going to lie. I want to be chased after. I want to know that you'll work as hard at this relationship as I will. I have been hurt too many times...and I can't keep comparing you to them. I refuse to. You are in a class by yourself. I remember when we first started dating, I hoped that you were the one. Six months later...I know you are the one. I have entirely too much time on my hands. I'M SORRY.

Heard some good news today. One of my friends from way back when (meaning I've known him since the first grade) is getting married at the end of March. I'm really happy for him especially because...well...he's blind. Well, not completely blind...but it's not like he can drive a car or anything.

I admit, I was shocked...
...and part of me felt bad for being shocked.

Why wouldn't he fall in love and get married? It's times like those where you just don't realize how shallow you can be. Then I got to thinking about myself...when I was in high school, 23 seemed like a good age to get married and "start" my life. And here I am...jobless and not getting married anytime soon, although it happening within the next two years is a definite possibility :) But I'll say this like I do all the time...LIFE DOESN'T GO HOW YOU PLAN.

Congrats Adam...I'm truly happy for you!

I don't really like Dream, but the chorus part sums up the way that I'm feeling right now.

"You better see, we're different as can be. She and I are not alike, so don't compare her to me."

I can understand being traumatized by the past because there is not one person in this world that is apprehensive about something because of what happened before. Hell, I went through the same shit yesterday. But you know what's different about this one? It was resolved. And not just in an "I'm sorry babe, I'll never do that again" way, but in a "we are going to talk about this because we're both adults and hell naw I ain't gonna turn the other cheek like I always do" kind of way. I guess we're stronger than this. Wow, I actually got to say how I felt about everything. I actually didn't bottle it up like I usually do. Finally...PROGRESS.

Off subject: Why the fuck did Ja-rule and Ashanti use "Grease" as a theme for their new video? Could somebody please explain to me, like I'm fucking two years old, why would we do such a horrible thing? WHY GOD WHY?

Quote of the Day:

"Everything I needed to know I learned in pimp school."

-from my friend Phillip's T-shirt

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Honestly...we should be celebrating love everyday, but Hallmark deemed it necessary to create a day where couples could fall in love all over again and for the single people to be contemptuous and resentful.

Have a good one everyone.

Strolling down memory lane...with the visuals of my last 2 years in PCN glowing on my TV screen. I'm nostalgic yes, but I snap myself back to reality as soon as the tape runs out and my VCR shuts itself off. Hey Conan, I didn't know they replay your show again this late...oh wait, yeah I did...what else would keep me company at 3:30 in the morning as I busily type a 6-10 page paper for my sociology or asian american studies class that is due at 8 AM. Procrastination...I know you too well. Escape...escape...life has made a sharp turn into uncharted territory so the first thing you do is try to relive the past. Silly girl...don't you know that you left that life behind? I know its hard...and you want to remind yourself of what was and not of what is. Heck, I bet you want to hop in your car and buy a pack of cigarettes right now. That'll take you back. Back to Apt 30, back to the Arbor, back to the days of certainty and to the faces you remember. Where are you now? Good question. You are in the present. Remember your first two years? You couldn't stand it...how did that same place that you loathed become something you loved? This too will become familiar territory...you will remember the faces and the places. It will change. I promise.

Life is constantly changing, one moment can either prove more difficult than another or not. I have no job, I have much time on my hands. My sister is at high-risk for going into pre-term labor, meaning my nephew will be 4 months premature. It was hard to see my sister feel all those emotions. I could totally read her...like a book. Like I would be thinking the exact same thing if I was in her position. It's hard to put things in perspective especially since I don't know what she's going through. She can't get up out of her bed only to use the bathroom and to take a shower, so that means she can't work or take care of Taryn by herself. I guess it was a blessing in disguise that I quit my job. I'm totally willing to help my sister out. Although part of me can't help but feel a bit resentful. Some habits just don't die. But the bottom line is, I can't turn away from family...I hope we get through this.

I've been running for 20 minutes everyday for the past 4 days. I'm pretty proud of myself considering that I haven't really worked out like this since I was single. It's weird how my motivation to do things now has changed. Not that my actions have always been selfish and self-fulfilling, but I just realize that there are other people that I now share my life with. I don't know if this all makes sense, but I was thinking this when I was talking to my mom about my life. We talked about my current situation (I am jobless and have a boyfriend). Byron comes up in a lot of my conversations with both my mom and my sister. My mom asked me if Byron wanted to get married. I told her yes. She asked me if he wanted to marry me. I again said yes. My mom looked thoughtful for a minute and then told me that I before anything happens, I need to find a job and be stable. I don't know what to make of that. I guess I'll find out later.

I feel bad because lately I've been having a hard time telling the person that I love the most what I want. I feel bad because lately I've been so edgy and all I do is take it out on that same person. I feel bad because I can't seem to control my emotions anymore and that I have to start all over again learning who the fuck I am. Who am I? I just want to be assured that these mental breakdowns are allowed. I want to know that what I'm feeling is completely normal and that I am going to get through this. My horoscope told me that I should be looking into a new career and "don't settle for less than you deserve. See what you can find, and move toward a more fulfilling future." I guess Astrocenter.com wasn't aware of our current economic situation. *sighs* It's been 4 days since my last cigarette...and I haven't tried to kill anyone yet. Good times.

(THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE NO JOB AND ALL YOU DO ALL DAY IS THINK)
rational thinking makes me tired
it's so much easier to be irrational
i wish someone would listen to the stupid shit i have to say
no matter how dumb it sounds, just listen, and not judge
give thoughts, but not necessarily advise
i'd like to show weakness sometimes
i want to be human
i'm scared that people will give up on me
that i'm too much for them to handle
are you strong enough to stand by me?
i have this habit of keeping it in
wanting to cry over little things
the desire to scream and kick
and throw things across the room
i'm passionate about alot of things
i live from extreme to extreme
in a world of gray, i can only see black and white
does this make me blind?
oblivious to the obvious?
how do i become an optimist?
i've slowly become insane
i forgot what it was to be normal
everything is so much easier said than done
i can't keep pulling this weight if i expect to go further
i need someone to help me carry the burden or let it go all together
what's the deal with me?
i've hit rock bottom again
i'm never where i want to be
have i become what i fear?
insatiable...never satisfied
this world i've created...does anyone want to join me?
(I have too much time on my hands)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 26th BYRON!!!

Goddamn, you're old! Just kidding love! The first of many together...I know things have been stressful at work, but have a great day anyway! Hmm...I may make an appearance at your house later if you're up to it!
*wink, wink*
I love you so much!

"i'll be the embrace that keeps you warm, for you're the sun that breaks the storm." -Vanessa Carlton, Pretty Baby

The best things that happen in life are the ones that you don't expect. I have an incredibly long list of events in my life that I never would expect to happen. I didn't know that going to Santa Barbara for school would be the best experience of my life. I didn't know that joining a sorority would introduce me to the "girlfriends" that I never had since most of my really good friends are guys (but I don't consider Miah a guy or girl friend...more like a "diva-friend" hehe). Most importantly, I believe that the people closest to you, should be the people that anchor you. In my quest to become more rational, I've come to the conclusion that we are not rational people. We have our emotions and our biases that cloud our vision and we expect the people closest to us to bring us back down. I've never thought of it this way and I've been trying so hard to figure out everything on my own instead of allowing myself to ask for help. I'm thankful for each and everyone of you that has brought me back down...especially the ones that aren't afraid to "tell it like it is." Without you guys, I wouldn't know that it's okay to make mistakes...as long as you learn from them.

Miah: I want you to know that of all the things that I can remember and cherish about SB...you're the person that I miss the most. I hope that I can see you again REALLY soon because I'm just not a fag hag without my number one fag. *smiles* I'm glad to know that you're reading up on my shit. I love you!

My life has undergone some major changes lately. This weekend, I actually realized what those changes were. Some people may call it an epiphany...but I call it a slap in the face. Actually...make that a bitch slap in the face because no amount of warning or learning from others could have braced me for what was to come.

Picture this: a weekend trip to sunny Santa Barbara where you spent the last 5 years of your life making memories with the love of your life (and the dude you're gonna marry). Two worlds met this weekend...the past and the present. I guess I expected the same passion and emotion that I felt for this wonderful place to somehow be carried over to Byron because SB was home to me...for a long time. I did a lot of growing there, so of course I wanted to share this with him. I want to call his reaction indifference, but in reality it was just a trip. Like how I would feel going to Tahoe or Hawaii. No special meaning, just a get-away...a change of pace. I wanted him to feel as deeply for this place as I did, but when he didn't...it hurt.

After much soul-searching (within about 30 minutes time lying in bed), I came to terms with the fact that MY LIFE HAS CHANGED. I'm not the same woman I was a year ago. I'm not Dawn the Chi Delt...Dawn the girl you'd ditch class with to go shopping downtown with or have a cigarette with at the Arbor...Dawn the PCN Urban Queen...Dawn the friend that's always down to party...I'm just Dawn.

It was hard...but no one ever told me it was going to be easy.

I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. It was so unintentional and I want you to know that I would never hurt you like that on purpose. I've told you before that "I'm sorry" can only be said so many times before it loses its meaning...but I don't know what else to say. I love you so much and to know that something I did hurt you so much...well...it hurts too. I don't think you'll ever know how much I love you, how much I enjoy watching you move, how much I love talking to you, how much I savor every moment of you, how far I would go just to be with you...I'll spend the rest of my life showing you that you mean more to me than anything in the world. I never knew love like this before...I'm so happy that I do now.

I made a decision that altered my life forever. I decided to quit my job. I guess I just got tired of the spitting, the name-calling, the unwanted emotional stress. Do you know how hard it is to realize that you just can't help everyone? I don't want to help them this way. But I will miss my co-workers. If anything, that's what was keeping me there. It's time to be selfish and that time is now.

"These aren't laced are they? 'Cuz I don't wanna be lying on the floor later, making love to myself." -response from a man being offered a free lollipop at Mission Rock last night (1/4/03).

Clubbing @ Mission Rock + Food from Lucky Chances + friends you haven't hung out with in ages

...you do the math.

This is my favorite email that I've gotten and it totally describes the way I feel about stupid people...

"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ...oops ... never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side of the road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning....okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said,"Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

You are a work in progress.

You over-analyze and criticize everything that you do.Give yourself some credit.
You still have so much more to learn.
Remember that you have already learned alot.
You are afraid to take risks.
The ones that you did take ended up in your favor. *BPE*
You know that there are at least 5 people that love you so much that they are willing to die for you.
You are that same person to those 5 people.
You try not to make the same mistake twice.
Acknowledge that you are only human.

It will all work out.